Children and fulfillment

Nancy wrote to me and said she has missed out on a fulfilling life because she does not have a child. Nancy said that she hasn't met a man that she wanted to have a child with and now feels very lonely and somewhat depressed about it. Even though Nancy is only 40, she thinks that she is too old to have a child now.

Being a parent is a very rewarding experience and also a huge responsibility. Becoming a parent is not a decision to be taken lightly. I think if Nancy hasn't felt right about having a child with the men she has met so far that she has made the right decision in not doing so.

The concern I have is that Nancy seems to feel that the only way her life will be fulfilled is if she has a child. She thinks she won't ever have a child now so her life, consequently, will never be fulfilled.

Nancy needs to accept the fact that she may never have a child and realize that her life can be extremely fulfilling without having children. There are many ways Nancy can make a contribution to a child's life without that child necessarily being her own. She could even adopt a child if she felt able to do that financially and emotionally. It may not be exactly what she had imagined her life would be, but it is important to be flexible because there are always alternatives if you keep your mind open to them.

I hope that Nancy learns to accept that she may not have a child. If she accepts that then she can start coming up with alternatives that will make her life fulfilling. Nancy has so many options that she may not yet realize. I don't want her to only focus on what she feels she doesn't have.

Why?

Focusing her energy only on what she feels she'll never have is a sure way for her to become depressed and negative.

Nancy thinks she will never have any children and won't ever be happy so she may end up rejecting people and situations that arise in her life that could give her exactly what she wants. Nancy could actually end up rejecting what she really wants simply because she thinks she will never have it.

This may sound strange, but people actually do this to themselves a lot. People can end up undermining themselves and not realize it because they are limiting what they believe. That is why it is so important to keep your mind open and to be flexible, rather than rigid.

The only sure thing in life is change. Nothing ever remains the same.

This is a very inspiring and liberating truth because it means that there are always alternatives if you are open and willing to see them.




Thank you all for being here at The way is love today. If you have any comments or questions feel free to contact me.

Peace and love.

Tuesday In depth

Did Jake really believe that his girlfriend would be happy being second in his life?

I don't believe he did.

If Jake had truly been putting his work first and his girlfriend second I don't think he would have been upset that she left. By his reaction to her leaving I get the impression that she was not second, but that he was having trouble balancing his need to succeed at work and his need to be a boyfriend.

Our society puts a lot of pressure, especially on men, to be successful and to make money. Men are encouraged to identify with their careers more than being good boyfriends or good people. It is unfortunate that our society focuses on superficial things that don't really matter. What do I mean by that?

Walk by any magazine rack and you will see beautiful people airbrushed and smiling, skinny fitness gurus and things you 'must' buy to keep up with your neighbours. If you look at the business racks you see magazines about making more money, how you should invest that money and what gadgets you can spend that money on.

Our society has become all about superficial things that don't really matter. You are not a better person if you have a beautiful face or body, or if you have a lot of money and an iphone, for example. These are all exterior qualities or things that are of no real intrinsic value.

Having said that there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, staying in shape and enjoying your work. There is everything good about wanting to be successful, but in all of these desires something is not being mentioned, not being faced.

Why was Jake upset his girlfriend left? It was because he loved her and didn't put his priorities in the right order for him. He fell into society's trap of focusing on doing, working, having, and not focusing on being present for his girlfriend emotionally. It is so important to remember that people want to be heard. People want to be acknowledged and they want to be loved.

I doubt that Jake would have been happy being second in his girlfriend's life. How would he have felt if she were constantly checking her phone, e-mails and working first and spending time with him only when she could 'fit him in'?

He would have resented her time spent away from him and likely asked her to put all that aside sometimes to only focus on him. Would that have been an unreasonable request? No, I don't believe so. If she couldn't even go away for a week without working what would that have told him? That would have told him that nothing is more important than her work, not even him.

Behaviour is everything. Everyone can take a week off from work. Some people choose not to, but everyone can do it. Life is about making choices. If you behave as if your work is more important than anything else but don't actually feel that way, then you are off balance.

I believe this is what happened to Jake. He focused on fulfilling his work commitments, but forgot about his commitment to his own feelings. He loved his girlfriend and wanted to be with her, but didn't end up behaving that way.



It was great to have you here at Tuesday In depth. Come by on Friday for my weekly The way is love blog and feel free to ask questions or make comments.

Peace and love.

Relationships and ambition

Jake, a web developer for a high tech company, wrote to me about his last relationship and why it ended. Jake said his girlfriend became annoyed with how often he checked his e-mails and text messages and how much time he spent online. During their last vacation together she wanted him to promise not to work at all while they were away. He said he had to work while they were away because he is responsible for uploading new content to his company's web site.

Jake is having trouble balancing his ambition and a relationship. He wrote that his work was his first priority and yet he wondered why his girlfriend had broken up with him. He asked me, don't women want men to be ambitious. Yes, but I think balance is the key.

Being ambitious does not mean putting your career ahead of your personal relationships. It is important to be honest with yourself about what your true priorities are. The question I asked myself after reading Jake's letter was why it had bothered him that his girlfriend had broken up with him. He told me plainly that his work was his first priority and she likely realized that she was second and decided she wanted something else. Did Jake expect her to be happy with being second in his life and knowing that his work would be his most important priority?

Clearly she was not happy and chose to leave. Putting work first and your relationships second changes the dynamics of your personal relationships. Jake will not attract the same type of woman if his work comes first. Anyone that is content being second (or third or fourth) doesn't want the same level of intimacy.

Ultimately this is something Jake has to work through. What does he want from his life right now? If he wants to concentrate on his work that's fine but he cannot expect to maintain a close, highly intimate relationship when he puts that person second or third or fourth.

Jake's career is only one way that he expresses himself and if he focuses exclusively on only one facet of his life then he will definitely lose his footing. And, as he has experienced, sometimes he will lose important relationships as well.

(If Jake was really putting his work first wouldn't he be relieved to be single? I will discuss this issue and more in my Tuesday article In depth, I hope you will join me then.)

I hope you enjoyed The way is love and feel free to express any insights you have about Jake or any other issues that are on your mind.

Peace and love.

Cross-cultural relationships and the root of intolerance

Jason, who is French Canadian, wrote to me about his cross-cultural relationship with his Russian girlfriend, Tanya. Jason is frustrated with his girlfriend's family and how negative they are about their relationship. Tanya's extended family, especially her mother, treats him very poorly simply because he is not Russian. As a result of this bigotry Tanya is thinking of ending her relationship with Jason. Tanya's family wants her to marry a Russian man, not a French Canadian. Jason feels alienated and hurt by her family's reaction and is worried he will lose Tanya because of her family's intolerance.

This is not the first time my readers have written to me about this issue and I think it is an important one to address. Cross-cultural relationships can bring out the worst in family members as I know first hand from my own personal experience. I am English and married a French Canadian here in Montreal. More than once my husband's mother made it clear that she was disappointed he had chosen an English woman. When my husband and I separated his mother didn't hesitate to say it would have likely worked if only I had been French Canadian.

This, of course, simply isn't true.

My marriage didn't work, not because he is French and I am English, but because we grew apart and our personalities became vastly different. That could have happened with anyone from any cultural background.

Some people cannot see cultures, experiences or even situations outside of their own from an open-minded perspective. Some people fear anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or different.

It is important not to fall into the easy trap of blaming something external to yourself for your own fears. Tanya's family is guilty of doing this and my ex mother-in-law is as well. She couldn't speak English very well and never felt very comfortable because of that fact. That likely contributed to her snobby behaviour. Snobs are simply insecure people with their noses in the air.

Anyone who is confident within themselves never has to talk about 'us' versus 'them.' After all, we are all human and that means we all share common concerns no matter what our skin colour or our cultural upbringing may be.

Having relatives that are snobs and bigots isn't much fun, but it is important that we don't let their immature behaviour affect our genuine love for our mates. Tanya needs to realize that she should not allow her extended family to pressure her into a relationship that she has not chosen for herself.

Personally I stay away from, or spend as little time as I can with, relatives that are closed-minded. I don't need nor want that kind of energy in my life and I don't want to spend my valuable time with people who are fearful.

It is important that Tanya makes choices based on her wants and needs because no one else knows her better than herself. If her extended family does not support her love for Jason that is their choice and their loss. By being true to herself (and Jason) Tanya may not have the support of her family, but she will have her self-respect and Jason's love.

In time, Tanya's family may overcome their fear and open their hearts to Jason. If Tanya's family does not overcome their fear at least Tanya won't be perpetuating their bigotry by leaving Jason.

Hopefully Tanya will stand up for her own happiness and have the courage to be true to herself and the man she loves.

These gut instincts of ours

This week's heart-wisdom quote by Albert Einstein highlights our society's disregard for the mind-body connection. Our intuitive mind, or gut instinct, communicates with us through our bodies, but we have not been taught, even as adults never mind as children, to pay attention to what our bodies know.

As humans evolved and adapted from the beginning of our time on this planet gut instinct has been an essential part of our survival. Not only can we sense danger through our bodies, but also through our senses as well. Likely our gut instinct was just another tool our predecessors used to stay safe and survive. It is not a tool that is rational however and that is likely why it has been discounted over time. As Einstein says we have forgotten the gift.

Our five senses are quantifiable and therefore slip into the rational realm. Intuition is more difficult to measure, but a crucial part of being human nonetheless. Just because our gut instincts are difficult to measure does not mean that they don't exist or aren't important. Judith Orloff discusses how important listening to our bodies is from the point of view of health and wellness. If you work in an environment that is toxic to your body, your health will suffer. Maybe not right away, but over time it likely will. For example, if your work environment makes you tense you may develop an acid stomach and headaches. With prolonged exposure these early signs from your body may turn into an ulcer and migraines. Listening to the early warning signs is part of keeping your body healthy.

Staying in situations or relationships that adversely affect your body is a way of ignoring what your gut instinct, or intuition, is trying to tell you. If you listen to your body, however, you realize that something in your work environment is toxic and find a solution that your body feels good about. For example, you could change departments, position or even find a new job. As long as your body feels good in that new environment you are keeping yourself healthier, not only physically but emotionally.

Christine Northrup discusses our mind-body connection at length in her book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. She has helped countless women learn how to interpret their physical problems and realize where those problems originated. As a culture we have been raised to put aside our personal feelings to fulfill the roles that we have taken on. Whether that role is worker or wife or husband, we are often encouraged to sacrifice our personal feelings to fulfill these roles. We keep that toxic job or stay in that toxic relationship against our bodies better judgment and pay the price with our health.

Listening to our gut instincts is as important to our survival now as it was in the beginning of time. Our lives can be healthier and more fulfilled by listening to our intuitions. Trusting our bodies to guide us through our lives is a healthy choice, physically and emotionally.

I wish you all a wonderful day and hope that you will take the time to pay attention to what your gut instinct already knows.

Thank you for experiencing The way is love today. Feel free to ask questions and make comments about today's blog or any other subject that interests you. I will respond to your comments as soon as I can.

Peace and love.

Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle

I started reading Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle about one week ago.

Actually it was exactly seven days ago because I'm on page five. Sound strange? I will explain.

Stillness Speaks is not a book in the traditional sense and it is definitely not like The Power of Now nor A New Earth.

Stillness Speaks is a collection of thought-provoking ideas that help us return to ourselves and our inner stillness.

The many phrases and paragrahs in the book have been written to make us peaceful and more ourselves. We are encouraged to not only notice but pay conscious attention to the nature around us. Tolle also encourages us to read the book slowly, carry it around with us, spend more time not reading it than reading it and to read it in bits and pieces not necessarily from cover to cover.

I admit when I started reading it I was a bit disappointed. I was expecting a book I could really sink my teeth into like his other books, but I have come to understand the wisdom behind this book.

As Tolle states, "It is reminding you of who you are and pointing the way back home."

One of the reasons why I have become so interested in writings such as Tolle's is that the world around us can seem so chaotic. I used to be caught up in that chaos at a time when I still believed that drama in life was normal.

I no longer live a life that is chaotic or dramatic and I have Tolle, in part, to thank for that.

Even so it took me a couple days to really read this book less and become peaceful more.

Now I leave the book on the corner of my office desk and I pick it up two or three times throughout the day and read the same entry again and again.

I then allow myself to think about what he has said or become still and focus on a tree and really feel peaceful in my soul.

I highly recommend this book to you whether you have read Tolle's other works or not.

As Tolle says, "It is the stillness that will save and transform the world."

If you have any questions about this book or any of the other books I've mentioned please leave me a comment and I will respond to you as soon as I can.

Thank you very much for reading and experiencing The way is love.

The spiritual community

I have been doing research for my Friday blog and I am overwhelmed by the amount of spiritual information on the web.

I searched the authors and speakers that I know of and have already found a wealth of information on Eckhart Tolle's, Marianne Williamson's, Judith Orloff's, Christiane Northrup's and Oprah's web site.

There are books, podcasts, CDs, lectures, weekend retreats and the list goes on and on.

It's all very exciting!

The book 'A Course in Miracles' is still a strong voice in the spiritual community. But there are also many new voices that reinforce what spiritual leaders (from all over the world) have been communicating since time began.

It is the similarities of idea and voice that astounded me the most. That is not to say that new people don't add to the revelations, because they do, but the essence of all the teachings seem to remain the same across background, country and belief system.

I will continue my research and write a beginning post on Friday--so please stay tuned.

Peace and love.

On Fridays

Good day all! I want to let you know how I am going to be approaching this new blog of mine.

I will post a new blog every Friday that will discuss a topic that is current, hot or close to my heart relating to spirituality.

I welcome your questions and comments about my post throughout the week.

And please suggest new topics too if anything inspires you.

Welcome!

I want to welcome my faithful blog followers and any newcomers that happen upon 'The way is love.'

This blog is an amalgamation of my love for writing and my deep belief in the spiritual.

I hope this blog will become an open forum for honest discussions about all that is healing, loving and spiritual in our universe.

Every person on this planet is their own unique universe, but, as humans, we share common bonds as well. It is important that we acknowledge the uniqueness of all while accepting our common bonds.

I have been on an incredible journey and it has spanned many years of my life. I have arrived here after reading many books and magazines, living through some incredible relationships and finding myself each step of the way.

I will try to lead this blog with forward-thinking, ingenuity and my love of life. I welcome any questions and comments you may have about the books I post, the blogs I write and any other topics you may want to discuss, hear more about or ask questions about.

Today is a new day--embrace it!