Children and fulfillment

Nancy wrote to me and said she has missed out on a fulfilling life because she does not have a child. Nancy said that she hasn't met a man that she wanted to have a child with and now feels very lonely and somewhat depressed about it. Even though Nancy is only 40, she thinks that she is too old to have a child now.

Being a parent is a very rewarding experience and also a huge responsibility. Becoming a parent is not a decision to be taken lightly. I think if Nancy hasn't felt right about having a child with the men she has met so far that she has made the right decision in not doing so.

The concern I have is that Nancy seems to feel that the only way her life will be fulfilled is if she has a child. She thinks she won't ever have a child now so her life, consequently, will never be fulfilled.

Nancy needs to accept the fact that she may never have a child and realize that her life can be extremely fulfilling without having children. There are many ways Nancy can make a contribution to a child's life without that child necessarily being her own. She could even adopt a child if she felt able to do that financially and emotionally. It may not be exactly what she had imagined her life would be, but it is important to be flexible because there are always alternatives if you keep your mind open to them.

I hope that Nancy learns to accept that she may not have a child. If she accepts that then she can start coming up with alternatives that will make her life fulfilling. Nancy has so many options that she may not yet realize. I don't want her to only focus on what she feels she doesn't have.

Why?

Focusing her energy only on what she feels she'll never have is a sure way for her to become depressed and negative.

Nancy thinks she will never have any children and won't ever be happy so she may end up rejecting people and situations that arise in her life that could give her exactly what she wants. Nancy could actually end up rejecting what she really wants simply because she thinks she will never have it.

This may sound strange, but people actually do this to themselves a lot. People can end up undermining themselves and not realize it because they are limiting what they believe. That is why it is so important to keep your mind open and to be flexible, rather than rigid.

The only sure thing in life is change. Nothing ever remains the same.

This is a very inspiring and liberating truth because it means that there are always alternatives if you are open and willing to see them.




Thank you all for being here at The way is love today. If you have any comments or questions feel free to contact me.

Peace and love.

Tuesday In depth

Did Jake really believe that his girlfriend would be happy being second in his life?

I don't believe he did.

If Jake had truly been putting his work first and his girlfriend second I don't think he would have been upset that she left. By his reaction to her leaving I get the impression that she was not second, but that he was having trouble balancing his need to succeed at work and his need to be a boyfriend.

Our society puts a lot of pressure, especially on men, to be successful and to make money. Men are encouraged to identify with their careers more than being good boyfriends or good people. It is unfortunate that our society focuses on superficial things that don't really matter. What do I mean by that?

Walk by any magazine rack and you will see beautiful people airbrushed and smiling, skinny fitness gurus and things you 'must' buy to keep up with your neighbours. If you look at the business racks you see magazines about making more money, how you should invest that money and what gadgets you can spend that money on.

Our society has become all about superficial things that don't really matter. You are not a better person if you have a beautiful face or body, or if you have a lot of money and an iphone, for example. These are all exterior qualities or things that are of no real intrinsic value.

Having said that there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, staying in shape and enjoying your work. There is everything good about wanting to be successful, but in all of these desires something is not being mentioned, not being faced.

Why was Jake upset his girlfriend left? It was because he loved her and didn't put his priorities in the right order for him. He fell into society's trap of focusing on doing, working, having, and not focusing on being present for his girlfriend emotionally. It is so important to remember that people want to be heard. People want to be acknowledged and they want to be loved.

I doubt that Jake would have been happy being second in his girlfriend's life. How would he have felt if she were constantly checking her phone, e-mails and working first and spending time with him only when she could 'fit him in'?

He would have resented her time spent away from him and likely asked her to put all that aside sometimes to only focus on him. Would that have been an unreasonable request? No, I don't believe so. If she couldn't even go away for a week without working what would that have told him? That would have told him that nothing is more important than her work, not even him.

Behaviour is everything. Everyone can take a week off from work. Some people choose not to, but everyone can do it. Life is about making choices. If you behave as if your work is more important than anything else but don't actually feel that way, then you are off balance.

I believe this is what happened to Jake. He focused on fulfilling his work commitments, but forgot about his commitment to his own feelings. He loved his girlfriend and wanted to be with her, but didn't end up behaving that way.



It was great to have you here at Tuesday In depth. Come by on Friday for my weekly The way is love blog and feel free to ask questions or make comments.

Peace and love.