Jennifer wrote to me about her teenager, Bradley. She said that recently Bradley started coming home late, not calling her when he said he would, complaining a lot and was difficult to talk with. Jennifer found his behaviour a strong contrast from what he'd been like as a boy.
At first Jennifer felt frustrated and unsure about how to deal with his behaviour. She said that reasoning with him and hoping he would change his behaviour just didn't work. She said she didn't want to yell or lecture because she didn't like being treated that way herself, but she wondered how she could teach him reasonable consequences for his unacceptable behaviour.
Jennifer said she decided to stop reacting emotionally to Bradley's behaviour because it was exhausting to have emotionally charged conversations all the time. Jennifer realized that she had been taking Bradley's behaviour personally and that her emotional reaction was making the situation more volatile. Jennifer, instead, started treating Bradley more as she would if she were his 'office manager' at work. She outlined exactly what she expected from him and if he didn't do what he agreed to do she would give him reasonable consequences without any yelling, raised voices or lecturing of any kind.
So the next time Bradley came home late from a friend's house without calling like he said he would Jennifer told him (in an unemotional, business-like voice) that because he hadn't called he wouldn't be able to go to a friend's house after school for the rest of the week. She further said that if it happened again that he wouldn't be allowed to go to a friend's house after school for the rest of the month. When Bradley started to complain and raise his voice she said, 'You said you would call and you didn't. You have a choice to keep your promises or not, but if you don't keep them then you won't be allowed to see your friends after school.' She then walked away and refused to talk about it anymore. After all, managers don't allow their employees to yell or bully them so why should Jennifer allow her son?
Jennifer was prepared for just about any situation after that.
If Bradley continued to break his promises then she would go to his friend's house and get him. She felt that her responsibility was to make sure her son was safe and she couldn't do that if he didn't listen.
Jennifer also made sure that if Bradley did keep his promise he was praised for it and sometimes rewarded. If he had remembered to call her then she would thank him when he came home. If he remembered for a whole week she'd praise him and let him go to a Saturday afternoon movie with his friends, for example.
Jennifer felt the key was to remain consistent no matter what. Even if Bradley kept all his promises she still kept the same rules and didn't waver from them.
Jennifer said she found thinking of herself more like the 'office manager' helped her remain unemotional when she had to discipline Bradley. It also made Bradley less reactive because she didn't appear angry so the situation became matter-of-fact.
As time went by and Bradley realized that Jennifer meant what she said his behaviour improved. Bradley still broke his promises now and then, but he accepted the consequences more easily and seemed to feel relieved sometimes that she held him accountable for his behaviour.
It isn't easy being the 'office manager' all the time, but it is very important that we teach our children that their behaviour has consequences and affects other people's lives too. I often say "Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever love." But the rewards for raising a responsible and well-behaved child go beyond this generation. Bradley will be a better father, husband and role model for future generations because he learned that his behaviour is under his own control and that there are consequences to inconsistent, disrespectful behaviour.
