How is Joyce coping with not avoiding her children anymore?
Joyce wrote me this weekend and said that it has been hard. She has to stop herself from slipping back into her avoidance behaviours. She signed up for three after-work meetings last week and she said she did it automatically.
When Joyce then looked at her schedule she realized that meant she wouldn't be home one evening before supper and three evenings not until after her children went to bed. She ended up only going to one meeting and made the effort to leave the office at 5pm every other evening so that she ate dinner with her children every night last week, but that one.
She said it made her feel guilty to leave work at 5pm. The first couple of days were very hard and she really had to force herself to do it. It caused her some anxiety and she felt as if she were leaving her co-workers in the lurch, that was until she really took a good look around on the third evening and realized pretty much everyone else was leaving at 5pm too.
Then she started to re-evaluate how she was feeling versus what was really happening around her. She realized that no one at work expected her to stay late. That she had been projecting that people around her expected her to stay late because that helped to reinforce her avoidance behaviour. It helped Joyce feel justified in staying late every night, but it wasn't the reality of the situation.
Joyce has also already seen big changes in her children at home. At first they thought it was really strange that she said she was going to be home for dinner and they were cautious about believing her, especially her 6 year old. The younger child took it at face value, if Joyce was there Joyce was there, but the 6 year old was surprised that she really came home when she said she would.
The kids were clingy at first and followed her everywhere, but after the second week they wandered a bit farther away from her. Her 6 year old said to her, while she was giving them a bath one night, "I like when you work, but I like it more when you're home." Joyce said, for the first time in over a year, she could honestly respond back to her son, "Me too, Honey, me too."
It's not easy to control your dysfunctional coping mechanisms, Joyce's struggle is a good example. It can even feel as if your coping mechanisms have a will of their own and that giving in to them is easier than fighting them. In the short term it may feel easier, but in the long term giving in to your dysfunctional coping mechanisms will only pull you farther and farther away from yourself.
Joyce is fighting her avoidance behaviour and her will power is benefiting her, her children and giving her a clearer perspective on what she wants her life to be everyday. Joyce wants to be a good worker, but, above all, she wants to be there physically and emotionally for her children and she definitely wasn't before.
As she continues to fight her avoidance behaviours and replaces dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones, the avoidance behaviours will lose their strength and fall away. Joyce will need to be vigilant that she doesn't start up new avoidance behaviours clouded in something else, but if she spends time with herself, gets to know herself and what she wants for herself and her children everyday, she will be able to stay on track.
It's important to always remember that little changes and little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life, and the lives of your loved ones.
I wish you all peace and love,
Jacqueline
