Jane wrote to me about her co-worker Nancy who talks too much. Jane and Nancy share a cubicle in an open-concept office and Nancy talks almost constantly throughout the day. Jane is having a lot of trouble getting her work done because Nancy is very demanding about the way she tries to get Jane's attention. Also Nancy never wants to listen to Jane talk about any of her own things. Consequently, Jane knows all about Nancy's life, but Nancy doesn't know anything about Jane.
At lunchtime Nancy tags a long with Jane without even asking so Jane never has any time to herself. Jane knows that she has to do something about this situation because her work is suffering and so is her peace of mind. Jane's work is very demanding and she needs quiet lunchtimes to give her brain a rest.
I know a man, who I run into now and then, who is very much like Nancy. He goes on and on about his things, but doesn't know anything about me and he really doesn't want to. When I run into him I tell him that I don't want to talk about work, for example, but he doesn't listen and goes on and on about work anyway. When I remind him that I asked him to stop talking about work he gets angry. The last time this happened I said 'You can get angry if you want but I told you when I came in that I didn't want to talk about work. If you choose not to listen that's your choice, but I don't want to talk anymore.'
I think that Jane needs to be more proactive about her emotional space and her time. Jane can request to have her desk moved so that she isn't constantly being bombarded by Nancy's chatter. Jane can also tell Nancy that she is trying to work and her constant chatter is too disruptive. Nancy may not listen, but it is important for Jane to express her feelings.
Jane can also tell Nancy that she needs to have her lunch hours to herself, that she needs the time to wind down and that she doesn't mind having lunch with Nancy now and then but not every day.
It is important to confront people like this because their behaviour is socially unacceptable. They are unconscious of their constant talk about themselves and the way that they monopolize every conversation.
It is almost impossible to be friends with a person like this. How can you have a conversation that is open and honest with a person that isn't interested in anyone but themselves? Quite simply--you can't.
Nancy may be insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-absorbed or lonely--or maybe all of these qualities put together. Whatever her reasons are for monopolizing conversations, Jane should let Nancy know that her behaviour is unacceptable. It is important not to 'go along' with this kind of personality because sacrificing your work quality and peace of mind for this type of person will get you nowhere.
One of the reasons why people like Nancy don't have any friends is because they make no effort to know anyone. They are not interested in other people's lives and they are unconcerned that they monopolize other people's time because they are only concerned with what they want. There is no point sacrificing any of your time for a person like Nancy.
