After writing my last blog about making sure our behaviour reflects our priorities, I received a letter from Joyce. Joyce went through the ten questions and then wrote out her priorities and realized a shocking discrepancy between what her priorities are and her actual behaviour.
When Joyce's children were three and five years old their father left. One day their father just never came home again. He was finally found, by the authorities, in the United States and Joyce had to come to terms with the reality that he'd deserted them all. She had been staying at home looking after the kids up to that point and suddenly found herself out in the job market once again with two kids to look after all on her own.
Joyce worked very hard and found a good job and has been able to provide for her children well. When she wrote her list of priorities her children were at the top, but when she worked out the amount of time she actually spends with them she was really dismayed.
Joyce makes enough money to pay the mortgage, own a car and pay for a nanny, but by taking this route she spends almost no time playing with and enjoying her children. She said that the time added up to less than three hours a week with her kids. Joyce had scheduled herself to the max with meetings, seminars, business dinners and so on to avoid dealing with her pain of being abandoned by her husband. She has realized, by doing this exercise, that she's been avoiding her children because they remind her of being abandoned and being a single mom. Her wish for a happy marriage and family walked out on her the day her husband disappeared.
Joyce has decided to change her behaviour. She knows that her children really are her priority and she does love them very, very much and she is going to show them that now.
It is so important to realize that old pain and hurt can turn into dysfunctional behaviour if it is ignored and pushed aside. Joyce didn't realize she was avoiding her children until she actually calculated the amount of time she spent with them. She said it was like a lightning bolt hitting her when she made this discovery. It also helped her understand why her kids are constantly trying to get her attention and why her nanny keeps encouraging her to slow down and play with the kids. Joyce always found the kids' demands and the nanny's encouragement annoying before, but now she realizes it was the universe's way of trying to wake her up.
Joyce realizes that she's missed a lot of great time with her kids, but it's not too late. Joyce says, from now on, she is only going to work from 9 to 5 and won't go to extra meetings that she doesn't need to attend. She will only go to the occasional business dinner when her presence is truly necessary. And she is going to spend quality time with her kids whenever she can.
Joyce's husband hurt her deeply and left her with two children to look after all on her own. Joyce was overwhelmed with the sudden change and the immense responsibility. She knows that those realities don't excuse her behaviour, but at least now she sees what she's been doing and why she's been doing it.
I hope Joyce forges strong, loving relationships with her children. And I am happy to know that my last blog influenced her in a positive way.
Peace and love to Joyce, and to you all.
Until next time,
Jacqueline
