Michael wrote to me about his infatuation with a co-worker. Michael is the first to admit that he is happily married, but says he is bored. That his life is too routine.
Michael and his wife have two kids and they do the traditional family things with the kids, but they only have fun with the kids. Michael and his wife don't go out alone together and have fallen into a rut.
Michael's co-worker is single and she goes out a lot and talks about her evenings out. She also travels a lot for work and it sounds exciting when she talks about the places she visits and the people she meets.
Michael isn't thinking about being unfaithful, but he is feeling as if he's missing out on life. He is concerned that his life is passing him by while other people are out exploring, having fun and having lots of adventures.
I understand why Michael is feeling as if life is passing him by. It is not uncommon that when people have young children they feel as if their life is very, very routine and lackluster. His wife may feel the same way as well.
It is important that couples work at maintaining a close relationship because when the kids get older they need their parents a lot less. This will leave Michael and his wife alone together a lot more. If they don't work at maintaining a relationship now, what will they have to say to each other in the future? According to my readers, not much!
Michael's infatuation with his co-worker is a sign that he is focusing on external things rather than what he needs to work on within himself. The answer is not outside himself, but within. Once he realizes that then he can talk with his wife about his feelings and she can talk with him about hers as well.
Michael and his wife can come up with some ideas about how to make time for each other that is fun and regular. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for couples with children to have a 'date night.'
A 'date night' is a night once a week where couples spend time alone together and go on a date. I have spoken with many people about this concept and I have also heard a lot of excuses as to why they can't go on a regular date night.
These same couples can go to their yoga classes every week, their hockey games, their after-work meetings and their kids' soccer and ballet, but they can't set aside even two or three hours for each other. That is their choice, but how are they going to maintain a healthy relationship with their life partner if they don't give them any of their regular time and attention?
The true answer is they won't.
A lot of people take their life partners for granted. Michael's fairly innocent infatuation is only the tip of the iceberg. That is only the beginning of Michael losing focus. Over time his innocent infatuation may turn into a serious infidelity and he may lose the marriage and family life he now finds boring, which is a code word for takes for granted.
It is easier to 'believe' that things outside of yourself will make you happy than finding happiness within yourself and taking responsibility for your own life.
Michael hasn't discussed his feelings with his wife, nor suggested they spend more time together, or do something different and fun, or anything at all. He simply chose the easiest option and focused on a co-worker.
Relationships of any kind take time and effort and thought, and a relationship with a life partner also takes a lot of love. You don't just marry someone and then take for granted that they'll be there for you no matter what. Michael needs to stop paying attention to his co-worker and start paying attention to his wife and their relationship. If he chooses not to he will be denying himself, his wife and their children a fulfilling life together.
