Jake, a web developer for a high tech company, wrote to me about his last relationship and why it ended. Jake said his girlfriend became annoyed with how often he checked his e-mails and text messages and how much time he spent online. During their last vacation together she wanted him to promise not to work at all while they were away. He said he had to work while they were away because he is responsible for uploading new content to his company's web site.
Jake is having trouble balancing his ambition and a relationship. He wrote that his work was his first priority and yet he wondered why his girlfriend had broken up with him. He asked me, don't women want men to be ambitious. Yes, but I think balance is the key.
Being ambitious does not mean putting your career ahead of your personal relationships. It is important to be honest with yourself about what your true priorities are. The question I asked myself after reading Jake's letter was why it had bothered him that his girlfriend had broken up with him. He told me plainly that his work was his first priority and she likely realized that she was second and decided she wanted something else. Did Jake expect her to be happy with being second in his life and knowing that his work would be his most important priority?
Clearly she was not happy and chose to leave. Putting work first and your relationships second changes the dynamics of your personal relationships. Jake will not attract the same type of woman if his work comes first. Anyone that is content being second (or third or fourth) doesn't want the same level of intimacy.
Ultimately this is something Jake has to work through. What does he want from his life right now? If he wants to concentrate on his work that's fine but he cannot expect to maintain a close, highly intimate relationship when he puts that person second or third or fourth.
Jake's career is only one way that he expresses himself and if he focuses exclusively on only one facet of his life then he will definitely lose his footing. And, as he has experienced, sometimes he will lose important relationships as well.
(If Jake was really putting his work first wouldn't he be relieved to be single? I will discuss this issue and more in my Tuesday article In depth, I hope you will join me then.)
I hope you enjoyed The way is love and feel free to express any insights you have about Jake or any other issues that are on your mind.
Peace and love.
