Peter wrote to me about his relationship with his father. When Peter was a young boy his mother died and his father expected him to look after his younger siblings. Peter was expected to be both a mother and father to them. Peter's father worked long hours and was rarely at home, he claimed that he had no choice but to work those long hours so that he could provide for the family. This put a huge amount of pressure on Peter to be very responsible from a very young age.
Peter's father is overbearing and very, very harsh. He is always right, according to him, and he expects people to take his advice all the time. Peter's father is not only harsh with his own children, but with his grandchildren as well. He has not made any real effort to get to know them, but he feels justified in criticizing them and how Peter raises them. If Peter didn't keep in touch with his father, his father would never even visit his grandchildren. Peter's father is incapable of maintaining any close relationships because he is too abrasive and controlling.
Peter has come to the point in his life where he will no longer put up with his father's belligerence. For a long time, Peter felt an obligation to maintain some form of relationship with his father. But he has realized that he was doing this out of a misguided hope. Peter had hoped that his father would realize how difficult he is to be with and change his ways. Peter also was hoping that his father actually wanted a relationship with him and his children, but he has realized that his father really doesn't care.
Families often put a lot of pressure on their members to conform and Peter has realized that his father simply wants to control them. The control is not based in love or genuine interest, but in a self-serving need to feel more important by telling other people what to do. Peter has had enough and has realized that he loses nothing by not seeing his father. Peter and his father have never had a real loving, respectful relationship.
It is difficult to realize that one or both of our parents never really enjoyed being a parent or wanted to know who we are. But, for some people this is the truth. I remember reading a letter that was sent to 'Dear Annie' from a nurse in a retirement home. The nurse commented on how she thought it was very neglectful of people to never visit their parents in the nursing home. The nurse saw these sweet old ladies being constantly ignored and felt sorry for them. A few weeks later 'Annie' printed some responses to the letter and they were very enlightening. One woman said that the sweet old lady sitting in the nursing home used to burn her with an iron when she misbehaved and had thrown her down the stairs more than once. Another woman wrote in to say her sweet old mother drank excessively and never looked after her at all as a child.
These examples open our eyes to the reality of parents and parenting. If your relationship with one or both of your parents is dysfunctional, toxic or simply non-existent then that is the way it is. You do not have to maintain a relationship with anyone in your life out of obligation. The idea of respecting your elders simply because they are older than you is unrealistic. The people in your life that deserve your respect are the people that earn it.
Peter has decided that he only wants to maintain close relationships with people in his life that he respects and who respect him. He will no longer bend over backwards for any person, especially his father. Peter's realization comes from experience, time and a lot of thought. Holding onto the hope that someone will eventually love you is very damaging not only to yourself, but also to your extended family.
I wish you all the happiness you attract to yourself, Peter. And I am proud of you for realizing that you deserve better.
