Marcie wrote me saying that she recently realized, while watching how well her son deals with emotional situations, that she has made her own life a lot harder than it needed to be.
Marcie said she grew up with an abusive mother that was either overly critical or neglectful. It was a life of contrasts and as a consequence Marcie spent a lot of her childhood and adolescence either angry or trying to win her mother's love. Marcie feels that because she spent her time reacting to her mother's inconsistency, she came to view the world in a very narrow, hostile way. Marcie became very isolated and independent and strong-willed, but felt she had to fight for everything in her life. Marcie was constantly in self-defense mode and this made her defensive and reclusive. It also made Marcie's life a lot harder than it needed to be.
Marcie wrote me because she wanted to express how important it is for people to realize that they are not a product of their upbringing. Marcie has spent many years coming to terms with her mother's abusive behaviour and has learned through her own children that she is not the person she had to become to 'survive' her criticism and neglect.
Marcie is well aware that she became combative and very self-sufficient as a way to retain her inner-self while being abused by her mother. Marcie has realized some very important things: she is not responsible for her mother's mental illness, she has openly admitted to herself that her mother's behaviour had nothing whatsoever to do with her, she has confronted her mother and keeps her at arm's length emotionally, she has told her mother that it is not acceptable for her to behave abusively with her grand children and she has realized she is not an abusive personality herself.
Marcie has come to understand that her life is no longer a battle unless she thinks it is. And that is really the key. Reactions to situations come from within and Marcie realized she was reacting to a pattern that hasn't existed since she moved out of her mother's home. But it is an old, ingrained pattern that she can slip into without even realizing it.
Marcie has chosen not to allow her old, combative patterns to influence her life in the present. When she feels the old patterns coming out and feels like pushing people away and doing everything on her own, she now stops and looks at what's making her feel like fighting. Marcie says it's often old issues related to how her mother treated her. When she knows her feelings are being influence by past trauma and pain, her anger disappears.
It is important for all of us to realize that no matter how hard our life has been or how poorly we've been treated we can rise above our past. We do not have to carry around pain and anger every day of our lives. We don't have to let our reactions to our past control our present.
Marcie will not let her mother's abuse affect her life now. Marcie knows who she is separate from the abuse and is her own person because she has chosen to leave her past and old patterns behind.
Marcie is an inspiration to anyone who has lived with an abusive parent or in an abusive situation.
Thank you very much for your letter, Marcie.
I would like you all to remember: Your world comes from within.
I hope you enjoyed The way is love this week.
I will soon have a new website and my blog will be a part of it.
Stay healthy, centred and truly yourselves.
Until next time, peace and love.
