Debbie wrote to me about her husband's anger and frustration at being passed over for an office coordinator job. On February 20, 2009 I posted Debbie's concerns and I received more than one comment from my readers.
David's comment and words to Debbie inspired me to contact her to see if she was willing to share how she chose to handle this situation. I was hoping Debbie would share with us how her husband, Marty, ultimately reacted to being passed over for the office coordinator position.
Debbie contacted me this weekend and said I could share her story with my readers.
After a lot of thought, Debbie decided to have an open and straightforward talk with Marty about his reaction to not being considered for the management position. She told him that she felt his reaction was out of proportion to the actual situation and that he should not take that exaggerated reaction into his boss's office or he might lose his job.
Marty was angry with Debbie after she told him this and said he felt she wasn't supporting him and refused to discuss it further. Debbie decided to let Marty cool down and talk with him about it again when he was no longer angry or feeling attacked.
The next day Marty brought up the subject again and said that at first he was really hurt that she wasn't being supportive of him. But he realized that she had been very supportive in the past and that this time there must be a reason for her challenging his behaviour and reaction to not being promoted.
Marty said that he realized a lot of his reaction had to do with his brother's personality. Marty's brother has always been very outgoing and a natural leader. Marty's parents constantly praised his brother for being such a people-person and often wondered why Marty wasn't more friendly. Debbie said that Marty realized that his parents' criticism had made him even less friendly and that he has been avoiding socializing with his colleagues because of this issue with his parents.
Debbie said that Marty went on to say that he doesn't really want to be an office manager and that he really likes his job the way it is. Marty has also realized that he has been missing a lot of opportunities by being so solitary. Marty was unconsciously pushing people away from him so that he wasn't 'like his brother' and in doing so he missed out on having friends and good working relationships with his coworkers.
Marty has realized that he doesn't have to be like his brother, but he doesn't have to try not to be like his brother either. Debbie is happy to see that Marty is a lot more himself since they talked it all through.
Learning about our true selves is a life-long journey and different situations that come up in our lives help us delve deeper into who we truly are. I think Debbie handled this situation really well and I am proud of Marty for admitting that he felt continued resentment towards how his parents compared him to his brother.
Now that Marty is conscious of this issue from his past he can recognize it if it comes up again in the present. Over time he will learn how to be himself and separate himself from any old feelings that come up because of childhood rivalries that were fueled by his parents.
