Debbie wrote to me about her husband Marty, who is a kind, quiet, unassuming man. Marty is a diligent office worker and has had the same job for three years. Marty has not been promoted in those three years, but it didn't concern him until an opening came up for an office coordinator.
Debbie said that Marty assumed he would be considered for the job and was very disappointed and angry to find out that he hadn't even made the long list of candidates, never mind the short list.
Marty came home very upset saying he'd been wronged and forgotten and that his boss obviously doesn't value his work and his contribution to the team. Debbie, however, doesn't believe this is true. Debbie thinks Marty is considered a valued member of the team, but that Marty's boss has correctly given him a position where he isn't responsible for managing other people.
According to Debbie, Marty is not a very sociable person. He doesn't have a leader type of personality and has never made an effort to get to know his colleagues. He doesn't talk very much and has never been able to maintain a lot of friendships. He is not the type of person anyone would consider for a management position, but Marty doesn't seem to realize he is the way he is.
She thinks Marty may storm into his boss' office and make a scene and she is worried he may lose his job because of it. Debbie is also concerned about Marty's perception of himself. He doesn't seem to realize that he isn't outgoing enough and strong enough a personality to be an effective leader. Debbie loves her husband dearly but understands why he wasn't considered for the job.
Should Debbie tell Marty her observations or keep quiet?
I think that if Debbie truly believes Marty may make a scene with his boss then it is time for her to have a kind but firm conversation with him. He is obviously unaware of the way he behaves with people and needs to know how he is perceived before he makes any poor career choices.
I had a similar experience with one of my good friends in university. She was passed over for a head counselling job and was very angry about it. I remember thinking that I understood exactly why she hadn't been considered. She was the type of person that blended into the woodwork. She didn't have a strong enough personality to be an effective leader.
At the time her anger and frustration mystified me, but I chose not to say anything to her. Now I wonder if I should have said something.
I would suggest to Debbie that she ask her husband why he is so angry and frustrated. I think it is in those emotions that the answer, or at least the root of the problem, lies. He may not realize right now why he's angry and frustrated but with a little introspection he may find out some interesting things about himself.
Whenever we become angry and frustrated with a situation we are likely introducing old emotions into a current situation. Maybe being passed over hit a sore spot in him. It is possible that not being on the long list reinforced that sore spot and brought old emotions to the forefront.
Not everyone is a leader and nor should they be.
Marty should be himself and Debbie can help him realize that he is perfectly fine the way he is.
