Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Being aware means taking responsibility

Part of being aware is realizing and accepting that people react to you based on their own story and not based on who you are as a person.

This is a very liberating and sobering realization.

For example, Joan had a very inconsistent, harsh, judgemental mother. Why did her mother behave the way she did? Was it because Joan deserved it because she was a bad child? No. Joan's mother behaved the way she did because of her story: Her behaviour had nothing to do with Joan.

What if Joan's mother had been loving, affectionate and fun. Would her behaviour have been because Joan was a good child? No. Joan's mother would have been, once again, behaving the way she did because of her own story.

Realizing that people react to you because of their own reasons can be very freeing, especially if you had a mother like Joan did. Joan grew up believing that if only she could be a better athlete, or a better student or a better piano player that then her mother would love her more and treat her better. But, as Joan grew up she realized, her mother's harsh ways didn't change even if Joan won the competition or got straight A's in school.

The sobering aspect to this realization is that people don't treat you well because you are a good person and deserve it either. I think a lot of people cling to this idea as a way of validating themselves as individuals.

It is very important to not measure yourself through exterior means, such as "I must be a good husband because my wife looks after me so well," or "I must be worthless because my mother yells at me and tells me I'm useless."

It is crucial, as individuals, that we take responsibility for who we are and behave according to our values and beliefs about ourselves. I treat other people, whether I know them or not, with respect because I respect myself.

I am able to be kind, friendly and generous with people because that is how I choose to be and who I want to be. I don't change my behaviour based on other people.

I am more friendly and loving with my son than I would be with my neighbour, but the respect and genuine kindness remains through both interactions. It is unfortunate that our world is having a lot of trouble grasping this concept of self-responsibility.

It is easier to blame other people, to be unfriendly, to be rude and to think only of yourself but it is also a sign that you don't really value yourself and that is why you feel justified in treating other people that way as well. If we lived in a bubble and our behaviour didn't affect anyone else then it might not matter, except to ourselves of course. But we don't live in bubbles and Joan was very keenly and negatively affected by her mother's harsh behaviour. Joan's mother chose to treat Joan the way she did and as a consequence doesn't have a relationship with her only daughter.

We all make choices in our life and see things based on our own stories, but we can all actively choose how we behave and how we treat ourselves and other people.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven." John Milton