Jason, who is French Canadian, wrote to me about his cross-cultural relationship with his Russian girlfriend, Tanya. Jason is frustrated with his girlfriend's family and how negative they are about their relationship. Tanya's extended family, especially her mother, treats him very poorly simply because he is not Russian. As a result of this bigotry Tanya is thinking of ending her relationship with Jason. Tanya's family wants her to marry a Russian man, not a French Canadian. Jason feels alienated and hurt by her family's reaction and is worried he will lose Tanya because of her family's intolerance.
This is not the first time my readers have written to me about this issue and I think it is an important one to address. Cross-cultural relationships can bring out the worst in family members as I know first hand from my own personal experience. I am English and married a French Canadian here in Montreal. More than once my husband's mother made it clear that she was disappointed he had chosen an English woman. When my husband and I separated his mother didn't hesitate to say it would have likely worked if only I had been French Canadian.
This, of course, simply isn't true.
My marriage didn't work, not because he is French and I am English, but because we grew apart and our personalities became vastly different. That could have happened with anyone from any cultural background.
Some people cannot see cultures, experiences or even situations outside of their own from an open-minded perspective. Some people fear anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or different.
It is important not to fall into the easy trap of blaming something external to yourself for your own fears. Tanya's family is guilty of doing this and my ex mother-in-law is as well. She couldn't speak English very well and never felt very comfortable because of that fact. That likely contributed to her snobby behaviour. Snobs are simply insecure people with their noses in the air.
Anyone who is confident within themselves never has to talk about 'us' versus 'them.' After all, we are all human and that means we all share common concerns no matter what our skin colour or our cultural upbringing may be.
Having relatives that are snobs and bigots isn't much fun, but it is important that we don't let their immature behaviour affect our genuine love for our mates. Tanya needs to realize that she should not allow her extended family to pressure her into a relationship that she has not chosen for herself.
Personally I stay away from, or spend as little time as I can with, relatives that are closed-minded. I don't need nor want that kind of energy in my life and I don't want to spend my valuable time with people who are fearful.
It is important that Tanya makes choices based on her wants and needs because no one else knows her better than herself. If her extended family does not support her love for Jason that is their choice and their loss. By being true to herself (and Jason) Tanya may not have the support of her family, but she will have her self-respect and Jason's love.
In time, Tanya's family may overcome their fear and open their hearts to Jason. If Tanya's family does not overcome their fear at least Tanya won't be perpetuating their bigotry by leaving Jason.
Hopefully Tanya will stand up for her own happiness and have the courage to be true to herself and the man she loves.
