Michael wrote to me about his infatuation with a co-worker. Michael is the first to admit that he is happily married, but says he is bored. That his life is too routine.
Michael and his wife have two kids and they do the traditional family things with the kids, but they only have fun with the kids. Michael and his wife don't go out alone together and have fallen into a rut.
Michael's co-worker is single and she goes out a lot and talks about her evenings out. She also travels a lot for work and it sounds exciting when she talks about the places she visits and the people she meets.
Michael isn't thinking about being unfaithful, but he is feeling as if he's missing out on life. He is concerned that his life is passing him by while other people are out exploring, having fun and having lots of adventures.
I understand why Michael is feeling as if life is passing him by. It is not uncommon that when people have young children they feel as if their life is very, very routine and lackluster. His wife may feel the same way as well.
It is important that couples work at maintaining a close relationship because when the kids get older they need their parents a lot less. This will leave Michael and his wife alone together a lot more. If they don't work at maintaining a relationship now, what will they have to say to each other in the future? According to my readers, not much!
Michael's infatuation with his co-worker is a sign that he is focusing on external things rather than what he needs to work on within himself. The answer is not outside himself, but within. Once he realizes that then he can talk with his wife about his feelings and she can talk with him about hers as well.
Michael and his wife can come up with some ideas about how to make time for each other that is fun and regular. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for couples with children to have a 'date night.'
A 'date night' is a night once a week where couples spend time alone together and go on a date. I have spoken with many people about this concept and I have also heard a lot of excuses as to why they can't go on a regular date night.
These same couples can go to their yoga classes every week, their hockey games, their after-work meetings and their kids' soccer and ballet, but they can't set aside even two or three hours for each other. That is their choice, but how are they going to maintain a healthy relationship with their life partner if they don't give them any of their regular time and attention?
The true answer is they won't.
A lot of people take their life partners for granted. Michael's fairly innocent infatuation is only the tip of the iceberg. That is only the beginning of Michael losing focus. Over time his innocent infatuation may turn into a serious infidelity and he may lose the marriage and family life he now finds boring, which is a code word for takes for granted.
It is easier to 'believe' that things outside of yourself will make you happy than finding happiness within yourself and taking responsibility for your own life.
Michael hasn't discussed his feelings with his wife, nor suggested they spend more time together, or do something different and fun, or anything at all. He simply chose the easiest option and focused on a co-worker.
Relationships of any kind take time and effort and thought, and a relationship with a life partner also takes a lot of love. You don't just marry someone and then take for granted that they'll be there for you no matter what. Michael needs to stop paying attention to his co-worker and start paying attention to his wife and their relationship. If he chooses not to he will be denying himself, his wife and their children a fulfilling life together.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sherry was at the right place, at the right time
Sherry wrote to me about an exceptional experience she had. One day, in early fall, she was walking on a bike path enjoying the sounds of the birds and watching the leaves falling around her when she heard the sound of metal on metal.
As Sherry ran ahead, in the direction of the sound, she saw pieces of debris, bike parts and personal belongings spread out over the ground in front of her. Two bodies were lying in separate directions on the path.
The first cyclist wasn't moving, he was lying flat on his back as if he'd done a somersault through the air over his handlebars. The second cyclist was breathing heavily and erratically while blood gushed out of his side. He'd been thrown into the brush and was impaled by a branch.
Two other walkers appeared that had seen the collision and one had a cell phone and was calling 911. Sherry stayed by the bleeding man trying to comfort him as they waited.
Because of their remote location on the trail it took the ambulance over 30 minutes to find them. The first man had started regaining consciousness and was able to give his name and ask what happened. The second man was dying.
Sherry staying with the dying man, holding his hand and singing to him--trying to sooth him as much as possible. The only words he said were I love you.
Sherry stayed with the man until the paramedics arrived even though she knew the man was already dead. The paramedics had to remove her hand's physically from the dead man's and she was taken to hospital in extreme shock.
Once Sherry was well enough to leave the hospital and go home she felt as if nothing made sense anymore. She'd been faced with a senseless death and couldn't understand why. Sherry found out where his family lived and went to see them. She wanted them to know that he hadn't died alone. Sherry felt somewhat better after reassuring his family but she still asked herself 'What am I supposed to learn from this? Why was I there?'
One day, when she was out watching skaters in the park, not really thinking about anything at all she realized why she'd been there, on that path, that day.
Some of the skaters were laughing and playing, chasing each other and they'd fall down and get back up and do it again. They were joyous and carefree and alive. The fun that these skaters were having was something Sherry had never really experienced in her life. She'd always avoided it, not ever feeling comfortable with it within herself.
Sherry realized she'd been missing something very vital, and the essence of life--living. She walked over to the kiosk, rented some skates and played for the first time. She fell, she got covered in snow, she laughed and she had fun playing with a family on the rink.
The lesson that Sherry learned that day, holding that man's hand, was to live. His death was not senseless or in vain. That man's death taught Sherry how to live, how to come alive, and that is what she needed.
I give my condolences to the cyclist's family and I send my love and admiration to Sherry. It took great courage to stay with that man and comfort him and help him die in peace.
Until next time,
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
As Sherry ran ahead, in the direction of the sound, she saw pieces of debris, bike parts and personal belongings spread out over the ground in front of her. Two bodies were lying in separate directions on the path.
The first cyclist wasn't moving, he was lying flat on his back as if he'd done a somersault through the air over his handlebars. The second cyclist was breathing heavily and erratically while blood gushed out of his side. He'd been thrown into the brush and was impaled by a branch.
Two other walkers appeared that had seen the collision and one had a cell phone and was calling 911. Sherry stayed by the bleeding man trying to comfort him as they waited.
Because of their remote location on the trail it took the ambulance over 30 minutes to find them. The first man had started regaining consciousness and was able to give his name and ask what happened. The second man was dying.
Sherry staying with the dying man, holding his hand and singing to him--trying to sooth him as much as possible. The only words he said were I love you.
Sherry stayed with the man until the paramedics arrived even though she knew the man was already dead. The paramedics had to remove her hand's physically from the dead man's and she was taken to hospital in extreme shock.
Once Sherry was well enough to leave the hospital and go home she felt as if nothing made sense anymore. She'd been faced with a senseless death and couldn't understand why. Sherry found out where his family lived and went to see them. She wanted them to know that he hadn't died alone. Sherry felt somewhat better after reassuring his family but she still asked herself 'What am I supposed to learn from this? Why was I there?'
One day, when she was out watching skaters in the park, not really thinking about anything at all she realized why she'd been there, on that path, that day.
Some of the skaters were laughing and playing, chasing each other and they'd fall down and get back up and do it again. They were joyous and carefree and alive. The fun that these skaters were having was something Sherry had never really experienced in her life. She'd always avoided it, not ever feeling comfortable with it within herself.
Sherry realized she'd been missing something very vital, and the essence of life--living. She walked over to the kiosk, rented some skates and played for the first time. She fell, she got covered in snow, she laughed and she had fun playing with a family on the rink.
The lesson that Sherry learned that day, holding that man's hand, was to live. His death was not senseless or in vain. That man's death taught Sherry how to live, how to come alive, and that is what she needed.
I give my condolences to the cyclist's family and I send my love and admiration to Sherry. It took great courage to stay with that man and comfort him and help him die in peace.
Until next time,
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Andrew is eating too much
After moving to California on business, Andrew feels lost and very alone. He wrote to me about never anticipating the reaction he's had and that he feels lonely and isolated a lot of the time.
Andrew realizes that he misses his home town and his friends and familiar landmarks and faces. The culture is also different in California and he is having trouble getting used to the constant car travel. Andrew says that he's gained some weight and thinks he's been eating more because he's lonely and feeling stressed.
He's wondering what he should do.
He was very enthusiastic about moving initially and makes efforts to socialize and find new friends. He said he forgot how hard it is and how long it takes to become good friends with someone. Andrew realizes that he'd been taking his social life for granted back in his home town. In his home town he knew so many people after going to school there and working there too that he didn't realize how moving would take all that away.
He says he's homesick and flies back as often as he can, but that's getting expensive and makes returning to California all the more lonely.
Andrew is wondering whether he should stay in California or move back to his home town.
I think that Andrew probably already knows the answer inside himself, but he's not yet ready to act on it. The most important thing that Andrew should realize from his move is what his priorities are in his life.
When he moved to California he may have believed that his work was the most important thing in his life and if that were true he would probably be handling the move differently. If work had really been his top priority he would have handled the social isolation realizing that it was all part of moving somewhere new.
Andrew, however, isn't finding it any easier living there as time goes by, in fact it is getting harder and he is turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with his loneliness and feelings of isolation: He's eating too much.
Starting to rely on dysfunctional coping mechanisms is Andrew's clue that he's out of balance inside himself. He knows he has to make a decision and a good way for him to feel comfortable acting on that decision is for him to review his priorities.
I would say, from reading his letter, that his friends, social life and his home town are higher priorities to him than his work. That's not to say that his work isn't important to him, but emotionally he feels more fulfilled and whole as a person when he is with his friends and in his home town.
That is very understandable and it is important that he honours who he is by acknowledging his true feelings. The idea of moving to California and starting a new job may have been exciting at first, but Andrew is obviously not comfortable with the move from a personal, social standpoint.
He likes to be where his friends are and where his life is social and familiar and established. I hope Andrew is able to decide what his true priorities are and act on them. His life is his own and he should honour what his inner voice is telling him.
Peace and love to you all,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
Andrew realizes that he misses his home town and his friends and familiar landmarks and faces. The culture is also different in California and he is having trouble getting used to the constant car travel. Andrew says that he's gained some weight and thinks he's been eating more because he's lonely and feeling stressed.
He's wondering what he should do.
He was very enthusiastic about moving initially and makes efforts to socialize and find new friends. He said he forgot how hard it is and how long it takes to become good friends with someone. Andrew realizes that he'd been taking his social life for granted back in his home town. In his home town he knew so many people after going to school there and working there too that he didn't realize how moving would take all that away.
He says he's homesick and flies back as often as he can, but that's getting expensive and makes returning to California all the more lonely.
Andrew is wondering whether he should stay in California or move back to his home town.
I think that Andrew probably already knows the answer inside himself, but he's not yet ready to act on it. The most important thing that Andrew should realize from his move is what his priorities are in his life.
When he moved to California he may have believed that his work was the most important thing in his life and if that were true he would probably be handling the move differently. If work had really been his top priority he would have handled the social isolation realizing that it was all part of moving somewhere new.
Andrew, however, isn't finding it any easier living there as time goes by, in fact it is getting harder and he is turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with his loneliness and feelings of isolation: He's eating too much.
Starting to rely on dysfunctional coping mechanisms is Andrew's clue that he's out of balance inside himself. He knows he has to make a decision and a good way for him to feel comfortable acting on that decision is for him to review his priorities.
I would say, from reading his letter, that his friends, social life and his home town are higher priorities to him than his work. That's not to say that his work isn't important to him, but emotionally he feels more fulfilled and whole as a person when he is with his friends and in his home town.
That is very understandable and it is important that he honours who he is by acknowledging his true feelings. The idea of moving to California and starting a new job may have been exciting at first, but Andrew is obviously not comfortable with the move from a personal, social standpoint.
He likes to be where his friends are and where his life is social and familiar and established. I hope Andrew is able to decide what his true priorities are and act on them. His life is his own and he should honour what his inner voice is telling him.
Peace and love to you all,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
Monday, October 26, 2009
We all have a responsibility to ourselves
Knowing who we are and what makes us do the things we do, gives us enormous insight into our lives.
As we have seen with Joyce, behaviour is everything. Our words are empty if our behaviour doesn't follow them.
This is not only true for how our behaviour affects our spouses, friends, family members and children, but most of all how it affects ourselves.
As we grow up, we are not encouraged to learn about who we are as individuals. We are taught to conform, fit it, not stand out, be who our parents, friends and family members want us to be. Some people feel very comfortable being who other people want them or expect them to be, at least when they are younger.
And what about those kids that just don't fit in or conform for one reason or another. Maybe they look different than other people or act different, maybe their parents don't accept them because they find them strange or disappointing somehow. How do those kids feel in a society that honours conformity above all else?
When we grow up, are no longer living with our parents and have to look after ourselves, we have to make our own decisions, choose our friends, jobs and loved ones based on our own feelings, needs and wants. But how do we do that if we don't know who we are as individuals?
That is often our biggest challenge when we start our own adult lives. We are filled with a sense of dread and confusion as to what our life path should be. We know we can conform and do whatever is expected of us, but what if that doesn't feel right? What if inside we feel a sense of stress and loss when we conform to other people's ideas of us?
And what if we choose not to conform and instead be whoever we truly are as individuals? What if, when we do that, we are shunned and ostracized by our family members and friends?
Becoming ourselves and being who we truly are can be the biggest challenge in our lives.
I grew up not being accepted by either of my extended families. One side highlighted how different I looked from everyone else in the family; their subtle way of saying I didn't fit in. The other side of the family pretty much ignored me.
I learned from a very young age that I didn't fit in. I still don't, I am just too different in so many ways. I accept that, now. It wasn't always easy but I don't consider being myself, and being labelled different, a negative thing.
I am myself and I have learned that people who don't accept me for who I am are uncomfortable with themselves.
Trying to fit in and be someone other than who you truly are is damaging to your self and to your soul. How can you fulfill what you were meant to do in your lifetime if you are constantly living a life other people have set out for you? No one can know you as well as you know yourself.
As Joyce has found out, she must decide on her own priorities and live her life according to them. She must know herself, to be herself and not only her children benefit from her knowing, she benefits as well. She will work hard to live her life according to her own values and she will never regret because she's consciously deciding who she wants to be.
We all have a responsibility to know ourselves. No one else can know you better than you know yourself, some people may say they can and do, but those are only words.
It is a lifelong journey learning about ourselves, staying true to ourselves and living according to our inner selves. I hope you all feel as much satisfaction from doing it as Joyce and I do.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Until next time,
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
As we have seen with Joyce, behaviour is everything. Our words are empty if our behaviour doesn't follow them.
This is not only true for how our behaviour affects our spouses, friends, family members and children, but most of all how it affects ourselves.
As we grow up, we are not encouraged to learn about who we are as individuals. We are taught to conform, fit it, not stand out, be who our parents, friends and family members want us to be. Some people feel very comfortable being who other people want them or expect them to be, at least when they are younger.
And what about those kids that just don't fit in or conform for one reason or another. Maybe they look different than other people or act different, maybe their parents don't accept them because they find them strange or disappointing somehow. How do those kids feel in a society that honours conformity above all else?
When we grow up, are no longer living with our parents and have to look after ourselves, we have to make our own decisions, choose our friends, jobs and loved ones based on our own feelings, needs and wants. But how do we do that if we don't know who we are as individuals?
That is often our biggest challenge when we start our own adult lives. We are filled with a sense of dread and confusion as to what our life path should be. We know we can conform and do whatever is expected of us, but what if that doesn't feel right? What if inside we feel a sense of stress and loss when we conform to other people's ideas of us?
And what if we choose not to conform and instead be whoever we truly are as individuals? What if, when we do that, we are shunned and ostracized by our family members and friends?
Becoming ourselves and being who we truly are can be the biggest challenge in our lives.
I grew up not being accepted by either of my extended families. One side highlighted how different I looked from everyone else in the family; their subtle way of saying I didn't fit in. The other side of the family pretty much ignored me.
I learned from a very young age that I didn't fit in. I still don't, I am just too different in so many ways. I accept that, now. It wasn't always easy but I don't consider being myself, and being labelled different, a negative thing.
I am myself and I have learned that people who don't accept me for who I am are uncomfortable with themselves.
Trying to fit in and be someone other than who you truly are is damaging to your self and to your soul. How can you fulfill what you were meant to do in your lifetime if you are constantly living a life other people have set out for you? No one can know you as well as you know yourself.
As Joyce has found out, she must decide on her own priorities and live her life according to them. She must know herself, to be herself and not only her children benefit from her knowing, she benefits as well. She will work hard to live her life according to her own values and she will never regret because she's consciously deciding who she wants to be.
We all have a responsibility to know ourselves. No one else can know you better than you know yourself, some people may say they can and do, but those are only words.
It is a lifelong journey learning about ourselves, staying true to ourselves and living according to our inner selves. I hope you all feel as much satisfaction from doing it as Joyce and I do.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Until next time,
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Little changes and little choices are revolutionary
How is Joyce coping with not avoiding her children anymore?
Joyce wrote me this weekend and said that it has been hard. She has to stop herself from slipping back into her avoidance behaviours. She signed up for three after-work meetings last week and she said she did it automatically.
When Joyce then looked at her schedule she realized that meant she wouldn't be home one evening before supper and three evenings not until after her children went to bed. She ended up only going to one meeting and made the effort to leave the office at 5pm every other evening so that she ate dinner with her children every night last week, but that one.
She said it made her feel guilty to leave work at 5pm. The first couple of days were very hard and she really had to force herself to do it. It caused her some anxiety and she felt as if she were leaving her co-workers in the lurch, that was until she really took a good look around on the third evening and realized pretty much everyone else was leaving at 5pm too.
Then she started to re-evaluate how she was feeling versus what was really happening around her. She realized that no one at work expected her to stay late. That she had been projecting that people around her expected her to stay late because that helped to reinforce her avoidance behaviour. It helped Joyce feel justified in staying late every night, but it wasn't the reality of the situation.
Joyce has also already seen big changes in her children at home. At first they thought it was really strange that she said she was going to be home for dinner and they were cautious about believing her, especially her 6 year old. The younger child took it at face value, if Joyce was there Joyce was there, but the 6 year old was surprised that she really came home when she said she would.
The kids were clingy at first and followed her everywhere, but after the second week they wandered a bit farther away from her. Her 6 year old said to her, while she was giving them a bath one night, "I like when you work, but I like it more when you're home." Joyce said, for the first time in over a year, she could honestly respond back to her son, "Me too, Honey, me too."
It's not easy to control your dysfunctional coping mechanisms, Joyce's struggle is a good example. It can even feel as if your coping mechanisms have a will of their own and that giving in to them is easier than fighting them. In the short term it may feel easier, but in the long term giving in to your dysfunctional coping mechanisms will only pull you farther and farther away from yourself.
Joyce is fighting her avoidance behaviour and her will power is benefiting her, her children and giving her a clearer perspective on what she wants her life to be everyday. Joyce wants to be a good worker, but, above all, she wants to be there physically and emotionally for her children and she definitely wasn't before.
As she continues to fight her avoidance behaviours and replaces dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones, the avoidance behaviours will lose their strength and fall away. Joyce will need to be vigilant that she doesn't start up new avoidance behaviours clouded in something else, but if she spends time with herself, gets to know herself and what she wants for herself and her children everyday, she will be able to stay on track.
It's important to always remember that little changes and little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life, and the lives of your loved ones.
I wish you all peace and love,
Jacqueline
Joyce wrote me this weekend and said that it has been hard. She has to stop herself from slipping back into her avoidance behaviours. She signed up for three after-work meetings last week and she said she did it automatically.
When Joyce then looked at her schedule she realized that meant she wouldn't be home one evening before supper and three evenings not until after her children went to bed. She ended up only going to one meeting and made the effort to leave the office at 5pm every other evening so that she ate dinner with her children every night last week, but that one.
She said it made her feel guilty to leave work at 5pm. The first couple of days were very hard and she really had to force herself to do it. It caused her some anxiety and she felt as if she were leaving her co-workers in the lurch, that was until she really took a good look around on the third evening and realized pretty much everyone else was leaving at 5pm too.
Then she started to re-evaluate how she was feeling versus what was really happening around her. She realized that no one at work expected her to stay late. That she had been projecting that people around her expected her to stay late because that helped to reinforce her avoidance behaviour. It helped Joyce feel justified in staying late every night, but it wasn't the reality of the situation.
Joyce has also already seen big changes in her children at home. At first they thought it was really strange that she said she was going to be home for dinner and they were cautious about believing her, especially her 6 year old. The younger child took it at face value, if Joyce was there Joyce was there, but the 6 year old was surprised that she really came home when she said she would.
The kids were clingy at first and followed her everywhere, but after the second week they wandered a bit farther away from her. Her 6 year old said to her, while she was giving them a bath one night, "I like when you work, but I like it more when you're home." Joyce said, for the first time in over a year, she could honestly respond back to her son, "Me too, Honey, me too."
It's not easy to control your dysfunctional coping mechanisms, Joyce's struggle is a good example. It can even feel as if your coping mechanisms have a will of their own and that giving in to them is easier than fighting them. In the short term it may feel easier, but in the long term giving in to your dysfunctional coping mechanisms will only pull you farther and farther away from yourself.
Joyce is fighting her avoidance behaviour and her will power is benefiting her, her children and giving her a clearer perspective on what she wants her life to be everyday. Joyce wants to be a good worker, but, above all, she wants to be there physically and emotionally for her children and she definitely wasn't before.
As she continues to fight her avoidance behaviours and replaces dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones, the avoidance behaviours will lose their strength and fall away. Joyce will need to be vigilant that she doesn't start up new avoidance behaviours clouded in something else, but if she spends time with herself, gets to know herself and what she wants for herself and her children everyday, she will be able to stay on track.
It's important to always remember that little changes and little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life, and the lives of your loved ones.
I wish you all peace and love,
Jacqueline
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