Tuesday In depth

When we are inflexible about predicable changes in our lives, like Janice was in my last blog, we distance ourselves from other people. We hold other people responsible for our own fearful feelings and this creates animosity and keeps people at arm's length emotionally.

Do most people realize they are behaving this way? I don't think so. People who find change unsettling and even frightening are often behaving unconsciously.

People like Janice think that controlling everything around them will reduce their fearful feelings, but just the opposite is true.

The more Janice tries to control everything in her life the more chaotic her life will feel.

Why?

Because control is an illusion.

Fearful people end up focusing on how change makes everything go wrong. When plans change, as they naturally do, people like Janice think that things shouldn't be changing and therefore aren't going right.

Because Janice can't handle change her insecurity will manifest itself in inflexible behaviour and animosity towards whoever changed, or wants to change, the plans.

When we react out of fear to predictable life changes we are putting our own (irrational) feelings first and putting other people last. That's why fearful people find it hard to maintain friendships. Spending time with controlling, fearful people is a stressful, negative experience. Very few people will spend time with fearful people for very long.

This creates a vicious cycle for inflexible people. They are incapable of handling change, focus on trying to control everything to compensate, alienate the people around them in the process and end up getting angry that they are alone and misunderstood.

The question people like Janice need to address and answer honestly is why they want to control everything?

We create our own realities and externalizing our fears is an example of how to create a chaotic, frightening and lonely life.