Societal pressures and raising children

Marianne wrote to me about her frustration with the expectations of her son's hockey coach. She said her son is only ten years old but the coach pressures the parents into making sure that their kids never miss a game or practice. Even legitimate reasons for missing a game or practice are frowned upon. Marianne said her son's coach called her and said that he felt she wasn't keeping her commitment to the team because her son had missed one practice and one game. She explained that she felt three games in one week was asking too much and that's why she hadn't taken her son to the third game.

For Marianne the situation is also complicated by the fact that she is a single mother and doesn't see her son every day. She wanted to spend that Sunday morning relaxing with her son rather than getting up at six a.m. to take him to an early morning hockey game. She explained this to her son's coach, but he did not understand her decision to spend quality time with her son.

The pressure that Marianne is feeling is an excellent example of how our society, in general, focuses on performance rather than relationships.

I think organized sports are great for kids and my son has played hockey for five years now, however, I have also experienced the same pressures as Marianne. Marianne's question to me was how can she get her son's coach to understand her position.

My answer is she likely can't.

It isn't important whether the coach understands where she's coming from. It is important for Marianne to remember that she is the one raising her son and she is the one that decides what is reasonable and unreasonable to expect of herself and her son. If the coach doesn't want to see her point of view or care about her situation that is his loss. Marianne can choose when it makes sense for her son to go, and not go, to the games and practices.

It is important to teach children that when they play on a team that they should go to as many games and practices as possible. But it is also equally important to teach children that a hockey game or practice is not more important than their school work, family relationships or special events, such as the birthday party of a best friend. I know that my son's coach would expect his son to miss everything but his school work to attend a practice or game. That is his choice.

What happens to boys who grow up thinking that duty to the 'team' is more important than anything else? They grow up to be men that put their work before everything else in their lives, including their families.

Our society is becoming more and more chaotic. Children have less and less unstructured time and as a result are over-scheduled. This over-scheduling means parents and children don't have enough quality time together.

When I told my son's coach that my son would be unable to attend a practice because of a family gathering the coach said that was my choice but that he didn't agree with it.

That is what life is like. We can't always agree, but we must remember to raise our children according to our own beliefs despite societal pressures, whether small or large.


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Peace and love.