How to Live Your Life According to Your Priorities

My journey has taught me to keep my priorities in line with my behaviour. This may sound obvious, but when I first did this exercise I found out some very interesting things about myself.

In my last blog entry I asked you to write down answers to 10 questions and keep your answers private. Bring those out and keep them beside you for now.

Take out a sheet of paper and write down your priorities in life. Your list may look something like this:

• my children
• my husband
• work
• the house
• my friends
  
• biking
• gardening

Whatever your uppermost priorities are write them down in a list like the one above.

Now, keeping in mind that every day is 24 hours long and there are 7 days in a week, calculate how much time you spend in a week on each priority in your list. That means that out of a total of 168 hours you spend maybe 56 hours sleeping, but how are you spending the rest of your time?

The important thing with this exercise is to be very honest with yourself. You may say that your husband is a priority in your life but you may only spend 5 hours a week with him in total. That's okay. This exercise is to help you see how you are actually spending your time and whether you are living according to your priorities.

Once you have calculated how you are actually spending your time take another look at your answers to the 10 questions. Spend some time reading through your answers, paying close attention to your responses to each question.

The ten questions are designed to help you know yourself better. It is very common that as we get caught up in the details of life that we forget what is really important to us and what isn't.

After rereading your answers to the ten questions do you need to revise your list of priorities? Or do you need to change the amount of time you are spending on things not on your priority list?

When I first did this exercise I had a very young son at home and my marriage was falling apart. I thought I had almost no time for my own hobbies or activities and I found that I was spending a huge amount of my time looking after my son, my husband, my dad, but spending no time on myself. This exercise helped me realize why I felt so exhausted all the time.

It also helped me realize that my list of priorities were okay, but the time I was spending outside of that list was not. I reorganized my time and spent more time on myself and came to terms with my marriage.

This exercise is so valuable because you not only see how you are spending your time, but you start to see other people's priorities as well. For example, even though my marriage wasn't good, I still considered it a high priority and I spent a lot of time on it. My husband, however, did not. He actively avoided spending time with me and I realized that for him our marriage was not a priority.

Behaviour is everything and anyone around you who is perceptive will see the discrepancies between what you say and what you do.

If someone spends the majority of their time working but claims that their wife and children mean everything to them, something doesn't ring true.

One of the important steps to finding yourself is aligning what you say with what you do.

Over the next week change the amount of time you spend on your priorities and the other details that fill up your life. This will take more than a week for most of you and may even involve some pretty big life changes, but finding yourself requires effort, time and a commitment to yourself.

Small consistent steps will bring you back to yourself.

I will be back next week to discuss old patterns and how they can creep back into your life.

Peace and love,

Jacqueline

How to Find Yourself One Step at a Time

I have been on a journey for many years. That journey has been to find myself.

Somehow, through my twenties and early thirties, I lost touch with myself and who I wanted to be. I have realized through writing this blog and answering your letters that I was not alone. Many people become disconnected from themselves for their own very personal reasons.

Whatever your reasons are, you can find yourself again. Whether it was from abuse, the loss of a loved one, divorce, addiction, changing roles and responsibilities, or any other reason, finding yourself is within your grasp--it's within everyone's grasp.

I am beginning a series, starting today, of blogs that are designed to help you find yourself and help you become more aware of who your are and how to start your journey.

I would like you to keep in mind throughout this series that finding yourself involves small steps. It is a very manageable endeavour as long as you remember to take each moment at a time and not focus on what has been or what will be. If you remain in the Now, in the present moment, you will succeed one step at a time.

I will start with a simple exercise today that is an important first step.

Take the time to write down the answers to the following questions about yourself. Keep your answers private. In the next blog you will use your answers to help you decide what your priorities are in life.

1. What do you do in your spare time? List your hobbies, interests, exercise routine or whatever else you do in your free time.
2. What is your favourite food? If you have more than one, list them all.
   
3. What do you do for a living? This includes work you do for money and not for money.
4. Do you like your work? If so, why? If not, why not?
5. What is your favourite drink? List them all, if you have more than one.
6. Are you married?
7. Do you have any children?
8. Make a list of your friends. Who is your closest friend? Why?
9. Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend in your life? If yes, do you consider it a serious relationship?
   
10. What do you do on a regular basis to relax and spend time with yourself?

Answer these questions as honestly as you can and keep them for next week. It is important for you to keep them private because these questions are about you and no one else. It is easier to be open and honest about your feeling when you are speaking only to yourself.

Have a wonderful week and see you all again soon.

Peace and love,

Jacqueline

To be aware you must know yourself

Doris wrote to me about her need to be busy all the time. She has a full-time job and looks after her house, exercises regularly, walks her dog every day and that already keeps her life pretty busy.

But Doris also irons her clothes at least twice, keeps reorganizing her closets over and over again, repaints rooms that are freshly painted and shops at several grocery stores every week. Doris is starting to wonder why she feels as if she should be doing something constantly.

She said it's been more than a year since she remembers sitting down and just relaxing.

I know that our society encourages people to be doing something all the time. It is implied that being busy means being important. That simply isn't true, however.

People who need to be busy and cannot relax are disconnected from themselves.

Why would Doris spend time doing everything but staying in touch with herself?

There are many reasons why people stay out of touch with themselves. It could be the fear of really knowing themselves, the fear of maybe not liking what they see or avoiding the fact that they aren't making the right choices in their lives. Every person has their own reasons for losing touch with themselves.

It takes time to get to know another person and build a friendship and relationship with that person. The same thing applies to yourself. If you don't take the time to be still and listen to what your inner-self is telling you then how can you be friends with yourself, have a relationship with yourself or love yourself?

I think that a lot of people would go to the effort for another person without realizing that they should be doing the same thing with themselves.

Doris needs to plan into her day short moments of stillness. At first it could be only five minutes to sip on a cup of tea without any distractions. Small moments at first will get her in the habit of thinking about herself without putting too much pressure on herself.

Once she gets in the habit of thinking about herself regularly she can lengthen the moments until she is able to spend an afternoon at the beach or lie out in the sun in her backyard.

As she becomes more and more still she will realize why she was avoiding stillness in the first place. She does not need to judge herself about why she lost touch, she only needs to honour herself for making the effort to find herself again.

Meditating is a great way to honour yourself while staying in touch with yourself. Meditating can lengthen your life as well. And using techniques such as Creative Visualization not only helps you know yourself, but also helps you attain what you want from your life in very positive, life-affirming ways.

I hope Doris takes the time and makes the effort to find herself again. Living a full, aware life takes a lot of energy, time and work, but it is one of the most satisfying ways to honour yourself and everyone around you.

Father knows best, Mother knows best--or do they?

Jean wrote to me about her most recent visit to her parents' house in western Canada. She has been going for years taking her children on a long, expensive plane ride to visit her family. In previous years they had fun and stayed with her parents for extended visits.

Jean told me that on her visit this summer, however, they left early. She rescheduled her plane tickets and everything to return home with her children earlier than planned. She says her parents think that she's either lost her mind or has a brain tumour.

Why would they think that?

Jean has been in counselling for some time now and is starting to realize how some patterns from her childhood are affecting her personal relationships now. She doesn't accept being treated the same way as she did and she is finding that a lot of her relationships are evolving and changing.

It is interesting that, even when we are adults with children of our own, our parents still think that they know what's best for us. Well, at least some of our parents do. I realize that some parents are absent either emotionally or physically or both. That is a different issue altogether.

Jean is finding that her parents can't accept some of the decisions she's made about her own life. They are being very resistant to her changing and having ideas of her own. This is trickling down into their relationship with her children as well.

Her parents say things like, "I don't know what your mother is thinking carrying on the way she is," or things like, "I know your mother said not to try water-skiing until you're older, but she's being overprotective so you can do it when you're with me."

Jean's parents are undermining her authority with her own children, which they have no right to do. When Jean tells her parents that they are over-stepping their boundaries or gets angry because she finds out they took her five-year-old daughter water-skiing, they tell Jean that she's lost her mind.

Why do they think Jean's lost her mind?

Is it because she doesn't agree with them anymore?

What is more likely is that now she tells them that she doesn't agree with them. Jean likely didn't say anything before and now she does. She has moved out of her parent-child role and moved into an equal parent-parent role. So when they spend time with Jean now she sees them on an equal footing.

This would throw a lot of parents off track and they certainly wouldn't accept it easily. A lot of parents feel that they have a higher status because they can tell their children what to do and when to do it and how to do it. That so-called higher status is false, however.

Adults must make responsible choices for their children, yes, that's true. Children cannot look after themselves alone, but if parents believe that they have control over their children they are deluding themselves. Why? Because control is an illusion.

Jean's parents simply can't give up the idea of control and the misperception that they know what's best because, well, because they just know. Hmm...yes, parents just know. It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, but a lot of parents would argue that it's true.

It reminds me of that old show Leave it to Beaver where Ward, the father, would say, "Do it because I'm your father and I told you to."

Not the real world!

Children don't do things because you said so, at least not consistently. Children do what you do, in other words, they learn from your example. And if your children, adult or not, don't like what you're doing they have a right to say so. This isn't an issue of respect, it's about personal freedom. Some parents simply can't admit that their children have as many rights as they do and have their own lives, their own minds and their own choices to make--even once they've become adults.

Nancy talks too much

Jane wrote to me about her co-worker Nancy who talks too much. Jane and Nancy share a cubicle in an open-concept office and Nancy talks almost constantly throughout the day. Jane is having a lot of trouble getting her work done because Nancy is very demanding about the way she tries to get Jane's attention. Also Nancy never wants to listen to Jane talk about any of her own things. Consequently, Jane knows all about Nancy's life, but Nancy doesn't know anything about Jane.

At lunchtime Nancy tags a long with Jane without even asking so Jane never has any time to herself. Jane knows that she has to do something about this situation because her work is suffering and so is her peace of mind. Jane's work is very demanding and she needs quiet lunchtimes to give her brain a rest.

I know a man, who I run into now and then, who is very much like Nancy. He goes on and on about his things, but doesn't know anything about me and he really doesn't want to. When I run into him I tell him that I don't want to talk about work, for example, but he doesn't listen and goes on and on about work anyway. When I remind him that I asked him to stop talking about work he gets angry. The last time this happened I said 'You can get angry if you want but I told you when I came in that I didn't want to talk about work. If you choose not to listen that's your choice, but I don't want to talk anymore.'

I think that Jane needs to be more proactive about her emotional space and her time. Jane can request to have her desk moved so that she isn't constantly being bombarded by Nancy's chatter. Jane can also tell Nancy that she is trying to work and her constant chatter is too disruptive. Nancy may not listen, but it is important for Jane to express her feelings.

Jane can also tell Nancy that she needs to have her lunch hours to herself, that she needs the time to wind down and that she doesn't mind having lunch with Nancy now and then but not every day.

It is important to confront people like this because their behaviour is socially unacceptable. They are unconscious of their constant talk about themselves and the way that they monopolize every conversation.

It is almost impossible to be friends with a person like this. How can you have a conversation that is open and honest with a person that isn't interested in anyone but themselves? Quite simply--you can't.

Nancy may be insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-absorbed or lonely--or maybe all of these qualities put together. Whatever her reasons are for monopolizing conversations, Jane should let Nancy know that her behaviour is unacceptable. It is important not to 'go along' with this kind of personality because sacrificing your work quality and peace of mind for this type of person will get you nowhere.

One of the reasons why people like Nancy don't have any friends is because they make no effort to know anyone. They are not interested in other people's lives and they are unconcerned that they monopolize other people's time because they are only concerned with what they want. There is no point sacrificing any of your time for a person like Nancy.

Christina's videos shed light on her exterior world

Christina wrote me about how seeing herself on a home video changed her perception of herself. Christina and her family were having a family picnic and had invited family friends and neighbours too. They went to a local park and were playing ball with the kids, throwing the Frisbee and generally having a lot of fun. Christina's husband had been filming some of the fun and then put the camera down on the picnic table and forgot to turn it off. They ended up with a tape full of inpromtu video.

Christina said that she had no idea how expressive she was until she watched the video. She was incredulous as she watched herself laughing, joking around and generally having fun so easily. She had an easy going look of openness on her face almost the whole time the camera was filming them.

Christina said that she feels more serious on the inside, but her behaviour obviously doesn't follow that feeling. She asked her husband, children and friends about how they perceive her mood in general, and they all said that she was pretty happy and smiley most of the time. After hearing this Christina decided to reevaluate how she feels about herself. She doesn't know why she felt serious when she clearly was not, but she feels expanded by watching that video.

I don't believe in coincidences and to me it is obvious that the universe wanted Christina to see how she appears on the outside. I have heard about this phenomenon before, of acting one way and feeling another, but this is a wonderful example of how seeing yourself as others do can change your life for the better.

As children, we pick up a lot of mannerisms and belief systems from our extended family, but as we mature we replace those with our own to a greater or lesser extent. Christina is obviously enjoying her life a lot and does show it on the outside. The fact that she felt more serious in her interior world may be due to that programming from her youth. Whatever the reason for Christina's incorrect perception of herself, she can now reintegrate her interior world with her exterior one.

I had a very similar thing happen to me on a smaller scale last week. We were sitting in a restaurant waiting for our take-out food and there was a mirror across from me. As I was talking with my family I could see the expressions on my face over and over. I had no idea that I smiled so much or was so expressive either or that I made eye contact so often with them all. I was pleasantly surprised with my natural reactions.

Christina is lucky to be living her life so fully. I have heard many people say: Behaviour is everything. I am inclined to agree.

Peace and love to you all.

Peter has chosen respect

Peter wrote to me about his relationship with his father. When Peter was a young boy his mother died and his father expected him to look after his younger siblings. Peter was expected to be both a mother and father to them. Peter's father worked long hours and was rarely at home, he claimed that he had no choice but to work those long hours so that he could provide for the family. This put a huge amount of pressure on Peter to be very responsible from a very young age.

Peter's father is overbearing and very, very harsh. He is always right, according to him, and he expects people to take his advice all the time. Peter's father is not only harsh with his own children, but with his grandchildren as well. He has not made any real effort to get to know them, but he feels justified in criticizing them and how Peter raises them. If Peter didn't keep in touch with his father, his father would never even visit his grandchildren. Peter's father is incapable of maintaining any close relationships because he is too abrasive and controlling.

Peter has come to the point in his life where he will no longer put up with his father's belligerence. For a long time, Peter felt an obligation to maintain some form of relationship with his father. But he has realized that he was doing this out of a misguided hope. Peter had hoped that his father would realize how difficult he is to be with and change his ways. Peter also was hoping that his father actually wanted a relationship with him and his children, but he has realized that his father really doesn't care.

Families often put a lot of pressure on their members to conform and Peter has realized that his father simply wants to control them. The control is not based in love or genuine interest, but in a self-serving need to feel more important by telling other people what to do. Peter has had enough and has realized that he loses nothing by not seeing his father. Peter and his father have never had a real loving, respectful relationship.

It is difficult to realize that one or both of our parents never really enjoyed being a parent or wanted to know who we are. But, for some people this is the truth. I remember reading a letter that was sent to 'Dear Annie' from a nurse in a retirement home. The nurse commented on how she thought it was very neglectful of people to never visit their parents in the nursing home. The nurse saw these sweet old ladies being constantly ignored and felt sorry for them. A few weeks later 'Annie' printed some responses to the letter and they were very enlightening. One woman said that the sweet old lady sitting in the nursing home used to burn her with an iron when she misbehaved and had thrown her down the stairs more than once. Another woman wrote in to say her sweet old mother drank excessively and never looked after her at all as a child.

These examples open our eyes to the reality of parents and parenting. If your relationship with one or both of your parents is dysfunctional, toxic or simply non-existent then that is the way it is. You do not have to maintain a relationship with anyone in your life out of obligation. The idea of respecting your elders simply because they are older than you is unrealistic. The people in your life that deserve your respect are the people that earn it.

Peter has decided that he only wants to maintain close relationships with people in his life that he respects and who respect him. He will no longer bend over backwards for any person, especially his father. Peter's realization comes from experience, time and a lot of thought. Holding onto the hope that someone will eventually love you is very damaging not only to yourself, but also to your extended family.

I wish you all the happiness you attract to yourself, Peter. And I am proud of you for realizing that you deserve better.

Learn how to quiet the noise

Diane wrote to me about how stressed she felt after returning from her vacation in Costa Rica. Her stomach became tight and all her responsibilities loaded back onto her shoulders her first morning back. She could even feel her blood pressure rising as she thought about all the things she had to do, look after and be concerned with.

Diane found the difference between her sense of peace and well-being on vacation and her sense of urgency and pressure at home staggering and it concerned her greatly. Diane would like to know why she felt so different while she was away and how she can incorporate that sense of peace and well-being into her every day life. Diane isn't sure that she can, but she'd really like to try.

Diane's feelings of peace and well-being are not related to where she is, despite the fact that it appears that way, but are related to her state of mind in each place. When Diane was away on vacation she relaxed, swam, sunned herself on the beach and walked through the rain forest. She said she spent a lot of her time in the rain forest walking, listening and being still. She said the air smelled wonderful, the breeze was soothing and the sound of the birds and other wildlife made her feel far away from everything. In other words, her experience of nature in Costa Rica helped her create the peace and sense of well-being she felt while she was away. However, that sense of peace did not come from outside of her, but from inside.

Diane said that as soon as she walked into the airport to return home she found the amount of people and noise overwhelming. But the urgency and pressure didn't set in until she woke up the next morning.

It was easier for Diane to feel relaxed in a natural setting, such as the rain forest in Costa Rica, but, with some effort and practice, she could feel relaxed at home as well. Being out in nature helps us relax more easily because it allows us to slip into the present moment. As we walk through the trees we feel the ground beneath our feet, hear the birds singing, see the squirrels racing around and feel the breeze move over us as it moves through the trees. It is far easier in a natural setting to not concentrate on the bills we need to pay or the work we need to do, but as soon as we walk back out of the trees that peaceful feeling starts to wane and we start thinking again.

We think about the laundry, the kids, the car that needs an oil change, our Mother that is sick or the argument we had with our brother and then we are no longer in the present moment anymore.

Our minds can create all sorts of scenarios, repeat conversations and talk with us about real and imagined events all the time. I think of this as 'Noise.' It isn't real and yet it can be just as loud as any TV or CD you might have on.

Learning to stop that continuous Noise inside your head is the beginning of feeling at peace in your every day life. Spending as much time with nature is also a good way to stay in the moment. Learning to quiet that Noise is a process that takes time and effort to learn, but it can help Diane feel the way she did in Costa Rica in her flat in Montreal.

Meditating and creative visualization can help you practice staying in the moment. One of the goals of these techniques is to stop us from thinking. A sense of peace and well-being has nothing to do with where we are physically, but where we are emotionally within ourselves. It is just a lot easier to feel relaxed and present in the forest than on the metro, but it is equally as possible in both places.

Should France stay with David or not?

France wrote to me about her boyfriend, David. France and David met when they were in their early twenties and have been together for over eight years. When they met they were both finishing university and enthusiastic about their upcoming careers. They have both been focusing on their work for the last several years and haven't given much thought to having a family.

However, over the last couple of years, France has been thinking about having children. She has been debating whether she wants to add kids to her world, but as each year goes by she sees herself more and more with children. David, however, does not. David has never been interested in having children and doesn't believe he would be a patient enough father. He is very focused on his career and enjoys their life as a couple exactly the way it is. David doesn't want to change their life by having children.

France doesn't know what to do. Should she stay with David, who she is very happy with, and forgo having children? Or should France leave David and find someone else that wants children?

This is a difficult situation for both of them. Deciding to have children is a really big decision and it is even more critical when one wants children and the other does not.

It sounds as if France isn't sure if she wants children yet, but that David is sure he does not.

It is important for France to take the time to listen to her heart and make her decision based on what her heart tells her. Having children is a very big step and a huge commitment. It is not a choice that should be taken lightly or an experience that should be compromised because of someone else's feelings.

Once France knows for sure how she feels about having children she should then talk more seriously with David about it. If France thinks she can have a fulfilled life without children then she could choose to stay with David. If France knows that she definitely wants children then she would have to talk with David and see if he is flexible at all.

If David is not flexible then it is possible their life paths are diverging. Sometimes this happens with a couple and it is better for France to acknowledge this reality than sacrifice what she truly wants for her mate, and of course the same applies to David as well. If he truly doesn't want children then having them just to stay with France is not a good idea either.

The problem with sacrificing for your mate is that over time you may end up resenting your mate. You may feel that your mate forced you into not having children, or having children as the case may be. This could cause so much tension in your relationship that you could break up and that would be a very unfortunate end.

Big life decisions should be taken jointly as a couple whenever possible. If both people want children then the experience of being a parent is much more likely to be a positive one.

Being present can help you avoid divorce

Martin is in his mid-forties and his life has become very routine. The ambition that he felt in his twenties and thirties has subsided. Martin says that he was very focused on getting ahead at work, making more money, being known in his field, but says now he feels an emptiness that he ascribes to the one-sided life he was living. His focus was so much on his work that he has lost touch with his wife as a result.

Martin and his wife are still together, but rarely spend any time together as a couple. They look after the household responsibilities, any matters with their children or family members, but spend only about four hours a month doing 'couple' things, such as going for a walk, going to a movie or going out for supper.

He said when he realized this it scared him. Martin doesn't know what hobbies she enjoys or what book she is reading or even who her good friends are. He has been so focused on his work and getting things done that, over time, he has forgotten that his wife has a life all her own.

This realization coupled with the fact that a few of Martin's friends have separated and divorced has suddenly jolted him into the present. Martin is scared. He is scared that it might be too late, that they may have grown apart too much and he is hoping that he can reestablish the couple relationship they had before their life became filled with the responsibilities of work and family.

I understand Martin's concern. It is quite common for people to get pulled into the momentum of the 'rat race,' living their lives looking after their children and making more money. It can turn even the closest couples into 'business partners.'

Identifying your priorities is an essential step towards being present in any moment. If you are spending eighty percent of your energy on a job you hate and neglecting your mate in the process then reevaluating what you spend your time on is critical to making the right choices in your life.

Martin got caught up in his work and his responsibilities and forgot his wife in the process. The fact that she is still there is a good sign, but he needs to decide on his priorities now and spend his energy on the things that currently matter to him. He cannot go back and change the past but he can change his present.

The only moment that we ever really have is the moment we are in right now. The past has already gone and the future is in the process of becoming, but it isn't here yet--and it never will be.

Whatever Martin chooses to focus his attention on now, in this moment, will affect his future moments. The choices we make in our lives right now change what we attract to us in the future. Martin can become more interested in his wife's life now and that might create more togetherness in their future.

Barbara never has enough money

Barbara wrote to me about her concerns over not having enough money. Barbara said she is hard-working and friendly and has been working in the service industry for over twenty years. She enjoys working with people and loves her job, but despite all these positives she constantly worries about money. Barbara said she feels as if she will never have enough and doesn't know where all her money goes.

Barbara is beginning to wonder if her concerns about money may be rooted in something else.

People who feel as if they never have enough money often don't know how they are spending their money. Barbara said she doesn't know where it all goes, which leads me to believe that she doesn't have a budget. Often when people are afraid of having too little money they treat their money with very little regard. This can lead to a feeling of even greater insecurity.

When people focus disproportionately on money it is rarely about money at all. Money, despite what our society would like us to believe, is simply a tool. Money does not make us who we are and having a lot of material possessions doesn't mean our life will be more fulfilled. Having more money does not make us a better or happier person. We do need a certain amount of money to live a decent life, but that amount is different for everyone depending on their priorities.

Would it surprise you to find out that Barbara makes $ 80,000.00 CAD a year, plus health benefits? For some people this would be a large salary and for others it would not. But most people in Canada can live a very decent life with Barbara's salary.

So then why is Barbara worried about not having enough? Only Barbara can really know the answer to that question.

Part of being a responsible adult is learning how to make your money do what you want it to. Whether you make $30,000. a year or $250,000., if you don't know how to manage your money you will end up feeling out of control. Barbara needs to take responsibility for her spending habits.

Money is a tool that we can use to help us live our life the way we choose to, but if you neglect your financial life you are neglecting an element of yourself. Money then becomes an entity outside of yourself that you feel you can't control. You feel as if money is actually controlling you--which is completely false.

Barbara needs to itemize all her expenses to see where she spends her money. Once she has that detailed list she can decide if she is spending money needlessly in certain areas. She may end up being surprised to find out how she has actually been spending her money.

This is an important step for Barbara because she will have taken control of an element of her life that she feels has been controlling her for years.

Debbie's story continues from my February 20th post

Debbie wrote to me about her husband's anger and frustration at being passed over for an office coordinator job. On February 20, 2009 I posted Debbie's concerns and I received more than one comment from my readers.

David's comment and words to Debbie inspired me to contact her to see if she was willing to share how she chose to handle this situation. I was hoping Debbie would share with us how her husband, Marty, ultimately reacted to being passed over for the office coordinator position.

Debbie contacted me this weekend and said I could share her story with my readers.

After a lot of thought, Debbie decided to have an open and straightforward talk with Marty about his reaction to not being considered for the management position. She told him that she felt his reaction was out of proportion to the actual situation and that he should not take that exaggerated reaction into his boss's office or he might lose his job.

Marty was angry with Debbie after she told him this and said he felt she wasn't supporting him and refused to discuss it further. Debbie decided to let Marty cool down and talk with him about it again when he was no longer angry or feeling attacked.

The next day Marty brought up the subject again and said that at first he was really hurt that she wasn't being supportive of him. But he realized that she had been very supportive in the past and that this time there must be a reason for her challenging his behaviour and reaction to not being promoted.

Marty said that he realized a lot of his reaction had to do with his brother's personality. Marty's brother has always been very outgoing and a natural leader. Marty's parents constantly praised his brother for being such a people-person and often wondered why Marty wasn't more friendly. Debbie said that Marty realized that his parents' criticism had made him even less friendly and that he has been avoiding socializing with his colleagues because of this issue with his parents.

Debbie said that Marty went on to say that he doesn't really want to be an office manager and that he really likes his job the way it is. Marty has also realized that he has been missing a lot of opportunities by being so solitary. Marty was unconsciously pushing people away from him so that he wasn't 'like his brother' and in doing so he missed out on having friends and good working relationships with his coworkers.

Marty has realized that he doesn't have to be like his brother, but he doesn't have to try not to be like his brother either. Debbie is happy to see that Marty is a lot more himself since they talked it all through.

Learning about our true selves is a life-long journey and different situations that come up in our lives help us delve deeper into who we truly are. I think Debbie handled this situation really well and I am proud of Marty for admitting that he felt continued resentment towards how his parents compared him to his brother.

Now that Marty is conscious of this issue from his past he can recognize it if it comes up again in the present. Over time he will learn how to be himself and separate himself from any old feelings that come up because of childhood rivalries that were fueled by his parents.

Jennifer wrote to me about her teenager, Bradley. She said that recently Bradley started coming home late, not calling her when he said he would, complaining a lot and was difficult to talk with. Jennifer found his behaviour a strong contrast from what he'd been like as a boy.

At first Jennifer felt frustrated and unsure about how to deal with his behaviour. She said that reasoning with him and hoping he would change his behaviour just didn't work. She said she didn't want to yell or lecture because she didn't like being treated that way herself, but she wondered how she could teach him reasonable consequences for his unacceptable behaviour.

Jennifer said she decided to stop reacting emotionally to Bradley's behaviour because it was exhausting to have emotionally charged conversations all the time. Jennifer realized that she had been taking Bradley's behaviour personally and that her emotional reaction was making the situation more volatile. Jennifer, instead, started treating Bradley more as she would if she were his 'office manager' at work. She outlined exactly what she expected from him and if he didn't do what he agreed to do she would give him reasonable consequences without any yelling, raised voices or lecturing of any kind.

So the next time Bradley came home late from a friend's house without calling like he said he would Jennifer told him (in an unemotional, business-like voice) that because he hadn't called he wouldn't be able to go to a friend's house after school for the rest of the week. She further said that if it happened again that he wouldn't be allowed to go to a friend's house after school for the rest of the month. When Bradley started to complain and raise his voice she said, 'You said you would call and you didn't. You have a choice to keep your promises or not, but if you don't keep them then you won't be allowed to see your friends after school.' She then walked away and refused to talk about it anymore. After all, managers don't allow their employees to yell or bully them so why should Jennifer allow her son?

Jennifer was prepared for just about any situation after that.

If Bradley continued to break his promises then she would go to his friend's house and get him. She felt that her responsibility was to make sure her son was safe and she couldn't do that if he didn't listen.

Jennifer also made sure that if Bradley did keep his promise he was praised for it and sometimes rewarded. If he had remembered to call her then she would thank him when he came home. If he remembered for a whole week she'd praise him and let him go to a Saturday afternoon movie with his friends, for example.

Jennifer felt the key was to remain consistent no matter what. Even if Bradley kept all his promises she still kept the same rules and didn't waver from them.

Jennifer said she found thinking of herself more like the 'office manager' helped her remain unemotional when she had to discipline Bradley. It also made Bradley less reactive because she didn't appear angry so the situation became matter-of-fact.

As time went by and Bradley realized that Jennifer meant what she said his behaviour improved. Bradley still broke his promises now and then, but he accepted the consequences more easily and seemed to feel relieved sometimes that she held him accountable for his behaviour.

It isn't easy being the 'office manager' all the time, but it is very important that we teach our children that their behaviour has consequences and affects other people's lives too. I often say "Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever love." But the rewards for raising a responsible and well-behaved child go beyond this generation. Bradley will be a better father, husband and role model for future generations because he learned that his behaviour is under his own control and that there are consequences to inconsistent, disrespectful behaviour.

Ron's defensive behaviour could cost him his job

Bob wrote to me about his employee Ron, who becomes defensive and uncommunicative every time people ask him questions about his work. Ron is an engineer and must work with a team to evaluate and complete his projects.

Bob is finding Ron's reactions to the other team members disruptive and counterproductive. Bob said Ron is a good engineer, but when the team asks him direct questions about his engineering plans he sits down, crosses his arms across his chest and refuses to respond. Ron eventually makes some excuse to leave the room altogether and returns only once the meeting is almost over.

Bob is finding Ron's avoidance behaviour too much to ignore and must act, but isn't sure how to approach Ron.

Bob needs to speak with Ron privately, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, and explain to Ron how he is reacting to his teammate's questions (because Ron may not be aware of his behaviour) and that his behaviour is disturbing the flow of the group. Bob should then ask Ron to think about why he has been behaving defensively and come back to his office in one week and discuss his thoughts with him. The week will give Ron the time to reflect on his behaviour, understand the importance of its impact on the group and hopefully identify where that defensive behaviour is originating from.

It sounds as if Ron's reactions are not related to the current situation but rooted in events from his past instead. When people react in exaggerted ways that are out-of-proportion with the actual situation they are often bringing past experiences into the present.

When Ron speaks with Bob one week later Ron will either realize that his behaviour needs to change or he will not. If Ron has some insight into his reactions then they can work together to overcome his fear of being criticized or judged, because that is likely the root of his defensiveness.

If Ron doesn't see his behaviour then Bob has to choose whether Ron should see a counsellor, be moved to a different position that doesn't involve team work or should be let go.

Whether Ron is able to change his behaviour or not, it is important that he be made aware of his behaviour and the way it interferes with the work of others. Ron is ultimately responsible for his behaviour and it is unlikely that he behaves that way only at work. His fear likely spills into other parts of his life as well. It is to Ron's advantage to be aware of how his reactions affect other people around him.

It may not be easy for Bob to approach Ron about his behaviour, but it a necessary step in finding a solution to his problem. It is possible that Ron will realize and change his behaviour, which benefits everyone.

If Ron chooses not to change his behaviour then Bob can choose what the best option is for Ron and his company knowing that he approached his problem head-on and honestly.

Getting lost in the details of life separates you from yourself

Patricia wrote to me and said her life has become wrapped up in the details of motherhood so much that she's lost herself in that role.

One day Patricia was at her daughter's soccer game and started talking with another mother. They were chatting about the team and their daughters and then the other mother asked her what her hobbies were, Patricia said she didn't have an answer.

It was after this conversation that she realized she'd become so completely identified with her mother role that she'd lost her identity as an individual. This realization made her feel adrift and lonely, and also a little sad as well.

Patricia said that she used to have lots of her own interests, but now she doesn't have any hobbies that are uniquely her own. Patricia wants to know how she can find herself again and still be a good mother at the same time.

It's important for people to understand, especially women, that spending time doing things for yourself will actually make you a better parent, not a worse one. Women in our society are subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, encouraged to look after everyone else before themselves. Somehow the time for themselves never seems to be as high a priority as everyone else's needs.

Being a mom is very demanding in so many different ways. Not only do a lot of moms work, but there are many moms who are raising children mainly on their own as single mothers. But even married women tend to do the majority of the household and child rearing work. This places a lot of responsibility and stress on women's shoulders.

Patricia needs to slow her life down and simplify it as much as possible. Our society encourages us to fill our days up with 'things to-do' and that is supposed to prove that we are accomplishing something. Often, however, by filling our days up with details we spend less and less time looking after ourselves.

Patricia needs to spend some time thinking about what she'd like to do with her spare time and then do it. She doesn't need to be available every time her daughters want a lift to a friend's house. Patricia doesn't have to spend all her day doing laundry and housework either. It is okay if she takes an hour out of her day to go for a walk in the park, to read a book or to write in her journal. Maybe there are movies that she wants to see or an exercise class she'd like to go to. Anything that is just for her is what she should do.

It will take Patricia time to find herself again and she won't be exactly the same person she was before she had her kids either. But she will realize over time that spending time with herself helps her relax. That stressful situations won't seem as hard to manage and that routine chores will fall into place as being necessary, but not her life.

She will start to see her life as vibrant again because it will be filled with meaningful events and actions rather than only routine chores and responsibilities. And when someone at a soccer game asks her what her hobbies are, with a smile on her face and a satisfied feeling in her soul, she will be able to answer them.

Is life really as hard as you make it?

Marcie wrote me saying that she recently realized, while watching how well her son deals with emotional situations, that she has made her own life a lot harder than it needed to be.

Marcie said she grew up with an abusive mother that was either overly critical or neglectful. It was a life of contrasts and as a consequence Marcie spent a lot of her childhood and adolescence either angry or trying to win her mother's love. Marcie feels that because she spent her time reacting to her mother's inconsistency, she came to view the world in a very narrow, hostile way. Marcie became very isolated and independent and strong-willed, but felt she had to fight for everything in her life. Marcie was constantly in self-defense mode and this made her defensive and reclusive. It also made Marcie's life a lot harder than it needed to be.

Marcie wrote me because she wanted to express how important it is for people to realize that they are not a product of their upbringing. Marcie has spent many years coming to terms with her mother's abusive behaviour and has learned through her own children that she is not the person she had to become to 'survive' her criticism and neglect.

Marcie is well aware that she became combative and very self-sufficient as a way to retain her inner-self while being abused by her mother. Marcie has realized some very important things: she is not responsible for her mother's mental illness, she has openly admitted to herself that her mother's behaviour had nothing whatsoever to do with her, she has confronted her mother and keeps her at arm's length emotionally, she has told her mother that it is not acceptable for her to behave abusively with her grand children and she has realized she is not an abusive personality herself.

Marcie has come to understand that her life is no longer a battle unless she thinks it is. And that is really the key. Reactions to situations come from within and Marcie realized she was reacting to a pattern that hasn't existed since she moved out of her mother's home. But it is an old, ingrained pattern that she can slip into without even realizing it.

Marcie has chosen not to allow her old, combative patterns to influence her life in the present. When she feels the old patterns coming out and feels like pushing people away and doing everything on her own, she now stops and looks at what's making her feel like fighting. Marcie says it's often old issues related to how her mother treated her. When she knows her feelings are being influence by past trauma and pain, her anger disappears.

It is important for all of us to realize that no matter how hard our life has been or how poorly we've been treated we can rise above our past. We do not have to carry around pain and anger every day of our lives. We don't have to let our reactions to our past control our present.

Marcie will not let her mother's abuse affect her life now. Marcie knows who she is separate from the abuse and is her own person because she has chosen to leave her past and old patterns behind.

Marcie is an inspiration to anyone who has lived with an abusive parent or in an abusive situation.

Thank you very much for your letter, Marcie.

I would like you all to remember: Your world comes from within.



I hope you enjoyed The way is love this week.

I will soon have a new website and my blog will be a part of it.

Stay healthy, centred and truly yourselves.

Until next time, peace and love.

Jeff doesn't know how to motivate his sales staff

Jeff, a small-business owner, wrote to me about his problems motivating his staff. For the last two years Jeff has implemented different incentives to increase sales, including performance and Christmas bonuses, sales contests and commission increases. Jeff said nothing has worked. The sales in his business have not increased and he does not see any more motivation in his staff to sell.

Jeff wants to know what more he can do, if anything, to create a sense of pride and enthusiasm among his eight employees.

There is nothing that increases pride and enthusiasm more quickly than feeling valued by your boss, and therefore your company.

To truly make your employees feel involved and part of your business it is important to nurture an open, genuine relationship with each one. You need to take an honest interest in who your employees are and get to know them. And when I say 'get to know your staff' I don't mean saying Hi in the morning, asking them how their weekend was and then launching into work-related talk. I mean really making a concerted effort to learn about who your employees are as individuals.

For example, Jeff's employees work mostly on the road so it's harder for him to create and maintain relationships with his staff. In Jeff's case he should call each sales rep every day to ask them how their day is going. Jeff shouldn't mention work at all, but instead focus on the person he is talking with. At first his employees may be a bit suspicious that he is checking up on them, but if he consistently initiates person-related conversations they will relax and start an open dialogue.

Another way for Jeff to create a feeling of trust is to invite each employee for lunch throughout the year. Jeff could use lunch as an opportunity to get to know his employees better. And then twice a year he could arrange a group lunch for the nine of them so that everyone can get to know one another. He could create some fun games that his employees can play over those lunches helping them to learn more about each other.

Jeff should continue to offer the incentives he was before, but by beginning more personal relationships with each sales rep he will be creating an atmosphere of trust and genuine interest that will pay off over time.

Needing money to live a good life is a financial reality for everyone, but nothing fosters co-operation and productivity better than creating and maintaining personal relationships with your staff.

In our society money is presented as the ultimate goal. We will be happy if we have a lot of money, money is the key to happiness, millionaires must be happy because they have a lot of money and so on and so on...

This simply isn't true. Money is a thing outside of ourselves and true fulfillment and purpose come from within. The truth is there are many unhappy people with lots of money.

Getting to know your employees is like any other relationship in your life, if it is built on respect and genuine interest it has the basic ingredients to flourish.

Nothing replaces the feeling of being valued! Nothing!

And especially not money.

He's not management material--but he doesn't know it

Debbie wrote to me about her husband Marty, who is a kind, quiet, unassuming man. Marty is a diligent office worker and has had the same job for three years. Marty has not been promoted in those three years, but it didn't concern him until an opening came up for an office coordinator.

Debbie said that Marty assumed he would be considered for the job and was very disappointed and angry to find out that he hadn't even made the long list of candidates, never mind the short list.

Marty came home very upset saying he'd been wronged and forgotten and that his boss obviously doesn't value his work and his contribution to the team. Debbie, however, doesn't believe this is true. Debbie thinks Marty is considered a valued member of the team, but that Marty's boss has correctly given him a position where he isn't responsible for managing other people.

According to Debbie, Marty is not a very sociable person. He doesn't have a leader type of personality and has never made an effort to get to know his colleagues. He doesn't talk very much and has never been able to maintain a lot of friendships. He is not the type of person anyone would consider for a management position, but Marty doesn't seem to realize he is the way he is.

She thinks Marty may storm into his boss' office and make a scene and she is worried he may lose his job because of it. Debbie is also concerned about Marty's perception of himself. He doesn't seem to realize that he isn't outgoing enough and strong enough a personality to be an effective leader. Debbie loves her husband dearly but understands why he wasn't considered for the job.

Should Debbie tell Marty her observations or keep quiet?

I think that if Debbie truly believes Marty may make a scene with his boss then it is time for her to have a kind but firm conversation with him. He is obviously unaware of the way he behaves with people and needs to know how he is perceived before he makes any poor career choices.

I had a similar experience with one of my good friends in university. She was passed over for a head counselling job and was very angry about it. I remember thinking that I understood exactly why she hadn't been considered. She was the type of person that blended into the woodwork. She didn't have a strong enough personality to be an effective leader.

At the time her anger and frustration mystified me, but I chose not to say anything to her. Now I wonder if I should have said something.

I would suggest to Debbie that she ask her husband why he is so angry and frustrated. I think it is in those emotions that the answer, or at least the root of the problem, lies. He may not realize right now why he's angry and frustrated but with a little introspection he may find out some interesting things about himself.

Whenever we become angry and frustrated with a situation we are likely introducing old emotions into a current situation. Maybe being passed over hit a sore spot in him. It is possible that not being on the long list reinforced that sore spot and brought old emotions to the forefront.

Not everyone is a leader and nor should they be.

Marty should be himself and Debbie can help him realize that he is perfectly fine the way he is.

Maggie says her husband is a good man...but is he?

Maggie wrote to me about her teenage son's hatred for his father. Maggie said her husband hasn't been working for about five years now because of his heart condition. He is a heavy smoker and spends his time lying on the couch watching TV, napping and smoking all day. Maggie's husband doesn't clean the house, make any meals or do any laundry while Maggie holds down a full-time job and looks after the household too.

Maggie's son, David, doesn't want to be near his father. David refuses to eat dinner with the family and often yells at his father calling him lazy and selfish. David spends most of his time in his room.

Maggie made it very clear that David is expected to do well at his private school and keep a part-time job. Maggie feels that her husband is a good man and a good father and doesn't understand why David is so hard on him. She thinks that David is being ungrateful and acting like a spoiled child.

There are a few issues going on within this family that I think are not being acknowledged by Maggie.

• Maggie doesn't seem to believe that her husband is lazy or taking advantage of her.
• Maggie's husband already has a heart condition but he continues to be a heavy smoker which is self-destructive.
• David is angry because he thinks his father is lazy and selfish, but Maggie defends her husband's behaviour.
• Maggie's son refuses to spend time with his father and Maggie claims not to understand why.

Maggie is denying a lot of what is happening in the dynamics of this family. David is right about his father's behaviour, but because Maggie is in denial she is reinforcing her husband's behaviour by defending him.

David is expected to be more responsible than his father and this is, naturally, making him very angry. He thinks his parents' expectations of him are unfair considering the fact that his father isn't expected to do anything at all.

David has the right to be angry. Maggie needs to face her situation before her relationship with her son is ruined.

I do not know why Maggie is defending her husband. Even if her husband is legitimately sick because of a heart condition he is obviously not making any effort whatsoever to contribute to the family. He is actually hurting himself further by smoking and lying on the couch all day. These are two extremely unhealthy habits. But on top of that Maggie and her husband expect their son to be responsible and hard-working even though his father clearly is not.

David's father is setting a horrible example. Not only is he taking advantage of his wife and making her life extremely stressful because she is responsible for everything, but he is also alienating their son. When Maggie sides with her husband, even though her husband is behaving very poorly, she is giving her son no choice but to stay away from them both physically and emotionally.

David is being emotionally isolated and this concerns me greatly. David sees his family situation very clearly and in my opinion has every right to be angry, but no one is validating his feelings. On the contrary, both of his parents are telling him he is wrong and that he is the selfish, ungrateful one.

It is time for Maggie to wake up and start defending her very responsible son. Maggie also needs to stop allowing her husband to take advantage of her.

I don't know why Maggie has accepted being used, but she needs to get a hold of this situation. Her mother-son relationship needs to be re-established before irreparable damage has been done.

Sometimes these unequal relationships set up very slowly over time and it is possible that Maggie has become used to it. She may not realize how much she is being taken advantage of because it happened gradually. However, David can teach her a very valuable lesson, if she is willing to learn it. Children have a natural talent for recognizing the difference between fair and unfair and David has recognized the inequality of this situation. I hope Maggie is able to listen to her son and accept the fact that her husband needs to change his behaviour before it's too late.

She's amazing and he's going to break up with her

Peter wrote to me about his new girlfriend, Deborah. He has been seeing Deborah for the last six months and Peter thinks she is beautiful, smart, warm, funny and kind. And on top of all that she really likes Peter. Deborah is very enthusiastic about their relationship and about Peter's work. Peter thinks, however, that she may be staying with him because he recently got an acting job on a TV series.

Peter said that he met Deborah around the same time he got the acting job and he doesn't think it is a coincidence. Peter wants to know if his friends are right thinking he's crazy to break up with her or if he should let her go.

I can understand Peter's caution about being with someone that wants him purely for his star status. Peter is looking for a relationship based on mutual love and respect and it would be painful for him to find out that Deborah was interested only in his fame. I agree with Peter that it was not a coincidence (because I don't believe in coincidences) that he met Deborah when he did; but I'd like to suggest that maybe he met her not for the reason he thinks he did.

It is possible that he was in a very good space in his life when he met her. He may have been emitting very dynamic, positive energy that not only helped him get the acting job, but also attracted Deborah to him. Despite what people say about opposites attracting, physicists have know for a long time now that like attracts like. I think that when Peter met Deborah they were likely both giving off similar positive energy and that's what attracted them to each other.

I have experienced this in my own life and it is a remarkable experience and can seem too good to be true at first (but, believe me, it isn't). Our culture has trained us to believe that love is difficult, that we must struggle to attain it and keep it and that often people are trying to use us in some way.

If Peter's feelings and intentions for Deborah are true and he loves her for all her wonderful qualities and for herself then he should stay with her. If she is as wonderful as he described then he shouldn't break up with her because she might be in love with his fame.

Why shouldn't he? Because, what if she is in love with him and not his fame?

If he chooses to break up with her rather than take that chance he may end up losing a wonderful woman that he could have spent his life with.

There is a reason why Peter and Deborah met and it may be for all the right reasons and none of the wrong ones.


Thank you for being part of The way is love today.

Feel free to send me your suggestions and comments.

Peace and love.