It is very common that people will do certain things to help alleviate their stress--whatever that stress may be. Everyone has their own form of coping mechanism or mechanisms.
Not all coping mechanisms are healthy and functional, however. We saw with Joyce that she was actually punishing her children with her avoidance behaviour. She wasn't doing it consciously, but that didn't make it any less damaging to her children or to her relationship with her children.
I can think of many examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as
- drinking to numb yourself or get drunk
- smoking cigarettes regularly
- taking drugs
- taking sleeping pills
- over-working
- excessive exercising
- eating too little
- eating too much
- sleeping too much
- avoiding your children
- avoiding your spouse
- thinking you're often sick
These coping mechanisms can all be used as a way of disconnecting from your problems. Most people use coping mechanisms when they are under stress and they can seem to relieve stress initially. The problem with coping mechanisms is that when you use them regularly and they become a habit you are avoiding facing yourself.
Most people don't realize, much like Joyce didn't, how potentially damaging not facing your pain and fears can be. You not only lose touch with yourself when you avoid feeling your feelings, but you can hurt other people around you and actually prolong your pain, and theirs.
What if Joyce had not realized that she was avoiding her children, for example, and had continued to do so for another 10 years?
How would her relationship with her children have deteriorated in 10 more years when her 16 year old never saw her and knew she was never home? Her 16 year old might start acting out by getting into drugs, alcohol or other damaging behaviours to try to get her attention.
Joyce's reaction might have been to blame the 16 year old for being a bad seed. As a result, their relationship would become even worse and her teen could spiral out of control.
If Joyce never saw the connection between avoiding her children and her teen's destructive behaviour their relationship would be one of conflict, and her teenager would develop their own dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of being neglected by not only their father, but their mother as well.
That is just one example of how avoiding yourself affects not only your life, but the lives of people close to you as well.
Facing your fears and stresses isn't easy. It's hard for Joyce to admit to herself that her husband left, that he was not a good man and that he has left her alone emotionally and physically with two young children. That's not an easy load to handle even at the best of times.
However, not letting yourself mourn your lost husband, not taking a hard look at how you may have contributed to his leaving and not looking in detail at the type of man he was will ultimately cause more problems in the long run.
Patterns repeat when we don't know ourselves well, when we are afraid to take a good, hard and honest look at ourselves and when we escape by slipping into coping mechanisms that take us still farther and farther away from ourselves.
Making a commitment to yourself and the people you love to know yourself and honour yourself is a very important step in becoming aware and present for everyone in your life. We all have the strength within ourselves to know who we truly are and to reject the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that seem to alleviate our angst.
I wish you all peace and love,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
