Societal pressures and raising children

Marianne wrote to me about her frustration with the expectations of her son's hockey coach. She said her son is only ten years old but the coach pressures the parents into making sure that their kids never miss a game or practice. Even legitimate reasons for missing a game or practice are frowned upon. Marianne said her son's coach called her and said that he felt she wasn't keeping her commitment to the team because her son had missed one practice and one game. She explained that she felt three games in one week was asking too much and that's why she hadn't taken her son to the third game.

For Marianne the situation is also complicated by the fact that she is a single mother and doesn't see her son every day. She wanted to spend that Sunday morning relaxing with her son rather than getting up at six a.m. to take him to an early morning hockey game. She explained this to her son's coach, but he did not understand her decision to spend quality time with her son.

The pressure that Marianne is feeling is an excellent example of how our society, in general, focuses on performance rather than relationships.

I think organized sports are great for kids and my son has played hockey for five years now, however, I have also experienced the same pressures as Marianne. Marianne's question to me was how can she get her son's coach to understand her position.

My answer is she likely can't.

It isn't important whether the coach understands where she's coming from. It is important for Marianne to remember that she is the one raising her son and she is the one that decides what is reasonable and unreasonable to expect of herself and her son. If the coach doesn't want to see her point of view or care about her situation that is his loss. Marianne can choose when it makes sense for her son to go, and not go, to the games and practices.

It is important to teach children that when they play on a team that they should go to as many games and practices as possible. But it is also equally important to teach children that a hockey game or practice is not more important than their school work, family relationships or special events, such as the birthday party of a best friend. I know that my son's coach would expect his son to miss everything but his school work to attend a practice or game. That is his choice.

What happens to boys who grow up thinking that duty to the 'team' is more important than anything else? They grow up to be men that put their work before everything else in their lives, including their families.

Our society is becoming more and more chaotic. Children have less and less unstructured time and as a result are over-scheduled. This over-scheduling means parents and children don't have enough quality time together.

When I told my son's coach that my son would be unable to attend a practice because of a family gathering the coach said that was my choice but that he didn't agree with it.

That is what life is like. We can't always agree, but we must remember to raise our children according to our own beliefs despite societal pressures, whether small or large.


Thank you for being here at The way is love. If you have any suggestions for blog topics or any comments or questions don't hesitate to ask.

Peace and love.

Tuesday In depth

When we are inflexible about predicable changes in our lives, like Janice was in my last blog, we distance ourselves from other people. We hold other people responsible for our own fearful feelings and this creates animosity and keeps people at arm's length emotionally.

Do most people realize they are behaving this way? I don't think so. People who find change unsettling and even frightening are often behaving unconsciously.

People like Janice think that controlling everything around them will reduce their fearful feelings, but just the opposite is true.

The more Janice tries to control everything in her life the more chaotic her life will feel.

Why?

Because control is an illusion.

Fearful people end up focusing on how change makes everything go wrong. When plans change, as they naturally do, people like Janice think that things shouldn't be changing and therefore aren't going right.

Because Janice can't handle change her insecurity will manifest itself in inflexible behaviour and animosity towards whoever changed, or wants to change, the plans.

When we react out of fear to predictable life changes we are putting our own (irrational) feelings first and putting other people last. That's why fearful people find it hard to maintain friendships. Spending time with controlling, fearful people is a stressful, negative experience. Very few people will spend time with fearful people for very long.

This creates a vicious cycle for inflexible people. They are incapable of handling change, focus on trying to control everything to compensate, alienate the people around them in the process and end up getting angry that they are alone and misunderstood.

The question people like Janice need to address and answer honestly is why they want to control everything?

We create our own realities and externalizing our fears is an example of how to create a chaotic, frightening and lonely life.