Getting lost in the details of life separates you from yourself

Patricia wrote to me and said her life has become wrapped up in the details of motherhood so much that she's lost herself in that role.

One day Patricia was at her daughter's soccer game and started talking with another mother. They were chatting about the team and their daughters and then the other mother asked her what her hobbies were, Patricia said she didn't have an answer.

It was after this conversation that she realized she'd become so completely identified with her mother role that she'd lost her identity as an individual. This realization made her feel adrift and lonely, and also a little sad as well.

Patricia said that she used to have lots of her own interests, but now she doesn't have any hobbies that are uniquely her own. Patricia wants to know how she can find herself again and still be a good mother at the same time.

It's important for people to understand, especially women, that spending time doing things for yourself will actually make you a better parent, not a worse one. Women in our society are subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, encouraged to look after everyone else before themselves. Somehow the time for themselves never seems to be as high a priority as everyone else's needs.

Being a mom is very demanding in so many different ways. Not only do a lot of moms work, but there are many moms who are raising children mainly on their own as single mothers. But even married women tend to do the majority of the household and child rearing work. This places a lot of responsibility and stress on women's shoulders.

Patricia needs to slow her life down and simplify it as much as possible. Our society encourages us to fill our days up with 'things to-do' and that is supposed to prove that we are accomplishing something. Often, however, by filling our days up with details we spend less and less time looking after ourselves.

Patricia needs to spend some time thinking about what she'd like to do with her spare time and then do it. She doesn't need to be available every time her daughters want a lift to a friend's house. Patricia doesn't have to spend all her day doing laundry and housework either. It is okay if she takes an hour out of her day to go for a walk in the park, to read a book or to write in her journal. Maybe there are movies that she wants to see or an exercise class she'd like to go to. Anything that is just for her is what she should do.

It will take Patricia time to find herself again and she won't be exactly the same person she was before she had her kids either. But she will realize over time that spending time with herself helps her relax. That stressful situations won't seem as hard to manage and that routine chores will fall into place as being necessary, but not her life.

She will start to see her life as vibrant again because it will be filled with meaningful events and actions rather than only routine chores and responsibilities. And when someone at a soccer game asks her what her hobbies are, with a smile on her face and a satisfied feeling in her soul, she will be able to answer them.