Being present can help you avoid divorce

Martin is in his mid-forties and his life has become very routine. The ambition that he felt in his twenties and thirties has subsided. Martin says that he was very focused on getting ahead at work, making more money, being known in his field, but says now he feels an emptiness that he ascribes to the one-sided life he was living. His focus was so much on his work that he has lost touch with his wife as a result.

Martin and his wife are still together, but rarely spend any time together as a couple. They look after the household responsibilities, any matters with their children or family members, but spend only about four hours a month doing 'couple' things, such as going for a walk, going to a movie or going out for supper.

He said when he realized this it scared him. Martin doesn't know what hobbies she enjoys or what book she is reading or even who her good friends are. He has been so focused on his work and getting things done that, over time, he has forgotten that his wife has a life all her own.

This realization coupled with the fact that a few of Martin's friends have separated and divorced has suddenly jolted him into the present. Martin is scared. He is scared that it might be too late, that they may have grown apart too much and he is hoping that he can reestablish the couple relationship they had before their life became filled with the responsibilities of work and family.

I understand Martin's concern. It is quite common for people to get pulled into the momentum of the 'rat race,' living their lives looking after their children and making more money. It can turn even the closest couples into 'business partners.'

Identifying your priorities is an essential step towards being present in any moment. If you are spending eighty percent of your energy on a job you hate and neglecting your mate in the process then reevaluating what you spend your time on is critical to making the right choices in your life.

Martin got caught up in his work and his responsibilities and forgot his wife in the process. The fact that she is still there is a good sign, but he needs to decide on his priorities now and spend his energy on the things that currently matter to him. He cannot go back and change the past but he can change his present.

The only moment that we ever really have is the moment we are in right now. The past has already gone and the future is in the process of becoming, but it isn't here yet--and it never will be.

Whatever Martin chooses to focus his attention on now, in this moment, will affect his future moments. The choices we make in our lives right now change what we attract to us in the future. Martin can become more interested in his wife's life now and that might create more togetherness in their future.