Maggie says her husband is a good man...but is he?

Maggie wrote to me about her teenage son's hatred for his father. Maggie said her husband hasn't been working for about five years now because of his heart condition. He is a heavy smoker and spends his time lying on the couch watching TV, napping and smoking all day. Maggie's husband doesn't clean the house, make any meals or do any laundry while Maggie holds down a full-time job and looks after the household too.

Maggie's son, David, doesn't want to be near his father. David refuses to eat dinner with the family and often yells at his father calling him lazy and selfish. David spends most of his time in his room.

Maggie made it very clear that David is expected to do well at his private school and keep a part-time job. Maggie feels that her husband is a good man and a good father and doesn't understand why David is so hard on him. She thinks that David is being ungrateful and acting like a spoiled child.

There are a few issues going on within this family that I think are not being acknowledged by Maggie.

• Maggie doesn't seem to believe that her husband is lazy or taking advantage of her.
• Maggie's husband already has a heart condition but he continues to be a heavy smoker which is self-destructive.
• David is angry because he thinks his father is lazy and selfish, but Maggie defends her husband's behaviour.
• Maggie's son refuses to spend time with his father and Maggie claims not to understand why.

Maggie is denying a lot of what is happening in the dynamics of this family. David is right about his father's behaviour, but because Maggie is in denial she is reinforcing her husband's behaviour by defending him.

David is expected to be more responsible than his father and this is, naturally, making him very angry. He thinks his parents' expectations of him are unfair considering the fact that his father isn't expected to do anything at all.

David has the right to be angry. Maggie needs to face her situation before her relationship with her son is ruined.

I do not know why Maggie is defending her husband. Even if her husband is legitimately sick because of a heart condition he is obviously not making any effort whatsoever to contribute to the family. He is actually hurting himself further by smoking and lying on the couch all day. These are two extremely unhealthy habits. But on top of that Maggie and her husband expect their son to be responsible and hard-working even though his father clearly is not.

David's father is setting a horrible example. Not only is he taking advantage of his wife and making her life extremely stressful because she is responsible for everything, but he is also alienating their son. When Maggie sides with her husband, even though her husband is behaving very poorly, she is giving her son no choice but to stay away from them both physically and emotionally.

David is being emotionally isolated and this concerns me greatly. David sees his family situation very clearly and in my opinion has every right to be angry, but no one is validating his feelings. On the contrary, both of his parents are telling him he is wrong and that he is the selfish, ungrateful one.

It is time for Maggie to wake up and start defending her very responsible son. Maggie also needs to stop allowing her husband to take advantage of her.

I don't know why Maggie has accepted being used, but she needs to get a hold of this situation. Her mother-son relationship needs to be re-established before irreparable damage has been done.

Sometimes these unequal relationships set up very slowly over time and it is possible that Maggie has become used to it. She may not realize how much she is being taken advantage of because it happened gradually. However, David can teach her a very valuable lesson, if she is willing to learn it. Children have a natural talent for recognizing the difference between fair and unfair and David has recognized the inequality of this situation. I hope Maggie is able to listen to her son and accept the fact that her husband needs to change his behaviour before it's too late.