Jennifer wrote to me about her teenager, Bradley. She said that recently Bradley started coming home late, not calling her when he said he would, complaining a lot and was difficult to talk with. Jennifer found his behaviour a strong contrast from what he'd been like as a boy.
At first Jennifer felt frustrated and unsure about how to deal with his behaviour. She said that reasoning with him and hoping he would change his behaviour just didn't work. She said she didn't want to yell or lecture because she didn't like being treated that way herself, but she wondered how she could teach him reasonable consequences for his unacceptable behaviour.
Jennifer said she decided to stop reacting emotionally to Bradley's behaviour because it was exhausting to have emotionally charged conversations all the time. Jennifer realized that she had been taking Bradley's behaviour personally and that her emotional reaction was making the situation more volatile. Jennifer, instead, started treating Bradley more as she would if she were his 'office manager' at work. She outlined exactly what she expected from him and if he didn't do what he agreed to do she would give him reasonable consequences without any yelling, raised voices or lecturing of any kind.
So the next time Bradley came home late from a friend's house without calling like he said he would Jennifer told him (in an unemotional, business-like voice) that because he hadn't called he wouldn't be able to go to a friend's house after school for the rest of the week. She further said that if it happened again that he wouldn't be allowed to go to a friend's house after school for the rest of the month. When Bradley started to complain and raise his voice she said, 'You said you would call and you didn't. You have a choice to keep your promises or not, but if you don't keep them then you won't be allowed to see your friends after school.' She then walked away and refused to talk about it anymore. After all, managers don't allow their employees to yell or bully them so why should Jennifer allow her son?
Jennifer was prepared for just about any situation after that.
If Bradley continued to break his promises then she would go to his friend's house and get him. She felt that her responsibility was to make sure her son was safe and she couldn't do that if he didn't listen.
Jennifer also made sure that if Bradley did keep his promise he was praised for it and sometimes rewarded. If he had remembered to call her then she would thank him when he came home. If he remembered for a whole week she'd praise him and let him go to a Saturday afternoon movie with his friends, for example.
Jennifer felt the key was to remain consistent no matter what. Even if Bradley kept all his promises she still kept the same rules and didn't waver from them.
Jennifer said she found thinking of herself more like the 'office manager' helped her remain unemotional when she had to discipline Bradley. It also made Bradley less reactive because she didn't appear angry so the situation became matter-of-fact.
As time went by and Bradley realized that Jennifer meant what she said his behaviour improved. Bradley still broke his promises now and then, but he accepted the consequences more easily and seemed to feel relieved sometimes that she held him accountable for his behaviour.
It isn't easy being the 'office manager' all the time, but it is very important that we teach our children that their behaviour has consequences and affects other people's lives too. I often say "Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever love." But the rewards for raising a responsible and well-behaved child go beyond this generation. Bradley will be a better father, husband and role model for future generations because he learned that his behaviour is under his own control and that there are consequences to inconsistent, disrespectful behaviour.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Ron's defensive behaviour could cost him his job
Bob wrote to me about his employee Ron, who becomes defensive and uncommunicative every time people ask him questions about his work. Ron is an engineer and must work with a team to evaluate and complete his projects.
Bob is finding Ron's reactions to the other team members disruptive and counterproductive. Bob said Ron is a good engineer, but when the team asks him direct questions about his engineering plans he sits down, crosses his arms across his chest and refuses to respond. Ron eventually makes some excuse to leave the room altogether and returns only once the meeting is almost over.
Bob is finding Ron's avoidance behaviour too much to ignore and must act, but isn't sure how to approach Ron.
Bob needs to speak with Ron privately, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, and explain to Ron how he is reacting to his teammate's questions (because Ron may not be aware of his behaviour) and that his behaviour is disturbing the flow of the group. Bob should then ask Ron to think about why he has been behaving defensively and come back to his office in one week and discuss his thoughts with him. The week will give Ron the time to reflect on his behaviour, understand the importance of its impact on the group and hopefully identify where that defensive behaviour is originating from.
It sounds as if Ron's reactions are not related to the current situation but rooted in events from his past instead. When people react in exaggerted ways that are out-of-proportion with the actual situation they are often bringing past experiences into the present.
When Ron speaks with Bob one week later Ron will either realize that his behaviour needs to change or he will not. If Ron has some insight into his reactions then they can work together to overcome his fear of being criticized or judged, because that is likely the root of his defensiveness.
If Ron doesn't see his behaviour then Bob has to choose whether Ron should see a counsellor, be moved to a different position that doesn't involve team work or should be let go.
Whether Ron is able to change his behaviour or not, it is important that he be made aware of his behaviour and the way it interferes with the work of others. Ron is ultimately responsible for his behaviour and it is unlikely that he behaves that way only at work. His fear likely spills into other parts of his life as well. It is to Ron's advantage to be aware of how his reactions affect other people around him.
It may not be easy for Bob to approach Ron about his behaviour, but it a necessary step in finding a solution to his problem. It is possible that Ron will realize and change his behaviour, which benefits everyone.
If Ron chooses not to change his behaviour then Bob can choose what the best option is for Ron and his company knowing that he approached his problem head-on and honestly.
Bob is finding Ron's reactions to the other team members disruptive and counterproductive. Bob said Ron is a good engineer, but when the team asks him direct questions about his engineering plans he sits down, crosses his arms across his chest and refuses to respond. Ron eventually makes some excuse to leave the room altogether and returns only once the meeting is almost over.
Bob is finding Ron's avoidance behaviour too much to ignore and must act, but isn't sure how to approach Ron.
Bob needs to speak with Ron privately, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, and explain to Ron how he is reacting to his teammate's questions (because Ron may not be aware of his behaviour) and that his behaviour is disturbing the flow of the group. Bob should then ask Ron to think about why he has been behaving defensively and come back to his office in one week and discuss his thoughts with him. The week will give Ron the time to reflect on his behaviour, understand the importance of its impact on the group and hopefully identify where that defensive behaviour is originating from.
It sounds as if Ron's reactions are not related to the current situation but rooted in events from his past instead. When people react in exaggerted ways that are out-of-proportion with the actual situation they are often bringing past experiences into the present.
When Ron speaks with Bob one week later Ron will either realize that his behaviour needs to change or he will not. If Ron has some insight into his reactions then they can work together to overcome his fear of being criticized or judged, because that is likely the root of his defensiveness.
If Ron doesn't see his behaviour then Bob has to choose whether Ron should see a counsellor, be moved to a different position that doesn't involve team work or should be let go.
Whether Ron is able to change his behaviour or not, it is important that he be made aware of his behaviour and the way it interferes with the work of others. Ron is ultimately responsible for his behaviour and it is unlikely that he behaves that way only at work. His fear likely spills into other parts of his life as well. It is to Ron's advantage to be aware of how his reactions affect other people around him.
It may not be easy for Bob to approach Ron about his behaviour, but it a necessary step in finding a solution to his problem. It is possible that Ron will realize and change his behaviour, which benefits everyone.
If Ron chooses not to change his behaviour then Bob can choose what the best option is for Ron and his company knowing that he approached his problem head-on and honestly.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Getting lost in the details of life separates you from yourself
Patricia wrote to me and said her life has become wrapped up in the details of motherhood so much that she's lost herself in that role.
One day Patricia was at her daughter's soccer game and started talking with another mother. They were chatting about the team and their daughters and then the other mother asked her what her hobbies were, Patricia said she didn't have an answer.
It was after this conversation that she realized she'd become so completely identified with her mother role that she'd lost her identity as an individual. This realization made her feel adrift and lonely, and also a little sad as well.
Patricia said that she used to have lots of her own interests, but now she doesn't have any hobbies that are uniquely her own. Patricia wants to know how she can find herself again and still be a good mother at the same time.
It's important for people to understand, especially women, that spending time doing things for yourself will actually make you a better parent, not a worse one. Women in our society are subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, encouraged to look after everyone else before themselves. Somehow the time for themselves never seems to be as high a priority as everyone else's needs.
Being a mom is very demanding in so many different ways. Not only do a lot of moms work, but there are many moms who are raising children mainly on their own as single mothers. But even married women tend to do the majority of the household and child rearing work. This places a lot of responsibility and stress on women's shoulders.
Patricia needs to slow her life down and simplify it as much as possible. Our society encourages us to fill our days up with 'things to-do' and that is supposed to prove that we are accomplishing something. Often, however, by filling our days up with details we spend less and less time looking after ourselves.
Patricia needs to spend some time thinking about what she'd like to do with her spare time and then do it. She doesn't need to be available every time her daughters want a lift to a friend's house. Patricia doesn't have to spend all her day doing laundry and housework either. It is okay if she takes an hour out of her day to go for a walk in the park, to read a book or to write in her journal. Maybe there are movies that she wants to see or an exercise class she'd like to go to. Anything that is just for her is what she should do.
It will take Patricia time to find herself again and she won't be exactly the same person she was before she had her kids either. But she will realize over time that spending time with herself helps her relax. That stressful situations won't seem as hard to manage and that routine chores will fall into place as being necessary, but not her life.
She will start to see her life as vibrant again because it will be filled with meaningful events and actions rather than only routine chores and responsibilities. And when someone at a soccer game asks her what her hobbies are, with a smile on her face and a satisfied feeling in her soul, she will be able to answer them.
One day Patricia was at her daughter's soccer game and started talking with another mother. They were chatting about the team and their daughters and then the other mother asked her what her hobbies were, Patricia said she didn't have an answer.
It was after this conversation that she realized she'd become so completely identified with her mother role that she'd lost her identity as an individual. This realization made her feel adrift and lonely, and also a little sad as well.
Patricia said that she used to have lots of her own interests, but now she doesn't have any hobbies that are uniquely her own. Patricia wants to know how she can find herself again and still be a good mother at the same time.
It's important for people to understand, especially women, that spending time doing things for yourself will actually make you a better parent, not a worse one. Women in our society are subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, encouraged to look after everyone else before themselves. Somehow the time for themselves never seems to be as high a priority as everyone else's needs.
Being a mom is very demanding in so many different ways. Not only do a lot of moms work, but there are many moms who are raising children mainly on their own as single mothers. But even married women tend to do the majority of the household and child rearing work. This places a lot of responsibility and stress on women's shoulders.
Patricia needs to slow her life down and simplify it as much as possible. Our society encourages us to fill our days up with 'things to-do' and that is supposed to prove that we are accomplishing something. Often, however, by filling our days up with details we spend less and less time looking after ourselves.
Patricia needs to spend some time thinking about what she'd like to do with her spare time and then do it. She doesn't need to be available every time her daughters want a lift to a friend's house. Patricia doesn't have to spend all her day doing laundry and housework either. It is okay if she takes an hour out of her day to go for a walk in the park, to read a book or to write in her journal. Maybe there are movies that she wants to see or an exercise class she'd like to go to. Anything that is just for her is what she should do.
It will take Patricia time to find herself again and she won't be exactly the same person she was before she had her kids either. But she will realize over time that spending time with herself helps her relax. That stressful situations won't seem as hard to manage and that routine chores will fall into place as being necessary, but not her life.
She will start to see her life as vibrant again because it will be filled with meaningful events and actions rather than only routine chores and responsibilities. And when someone at a soccer game asks her what her hobbies are, with a smile on her face and a satisfied feeling in her soul, she will be able to answer them.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Is life really as hard as you make it?
Marcie wrote me saying that she recently realized, while watching how well her son deals with emotional situations, that she has made her own life a lot harder than it needed to be.
Marcie said she grew up with an abusive mother that was either overly critical or neglectful. It was a life of contrasts and as a consequence Marcie spent a lot of her childhood and adolescence either angry or trying to win her mother's love. Marcie feels that because she spent her time reacting to her mother's inconsistency, she came to view the world in a very narrow, hostile way. Marcie became very isolated and independent and strong-willed, but felt she had to fight for everything in her life. Marcie was constantly in self-defense mode and this made her defensive and reclusive. It also made Marcie's life a lot harder than it needed to be.
Marcie wrote me because she wanted to express how important it is for people to realize that they are not a product of their upbringing. Marcie has spent many years coming to terms with her mother's abusive behaviour and has learned through her own children that she is not the person she had to become to 'survive' her criticism and neglect.
Marcie is well aware that she became combative and very self-sufficient as a way to retain her inner-self while being abused by her mother. Marcie has realized some very important things: she is not responsible for her mother's mental illness, she has openly admitted to herself that her mother's behaviour had nothing whatsoever to do with her, she has confronted her mother and keeps her at arm's length emotionally, she has told her mother that it is not acceptable for her to behave abusively with her grand children and she has realized she is not an abusive personality herself.
Marcie has come to understand that her life is no longer a battle unless she thinks it is. And that is really the key. Reactions to situations come from within and Marcie realized she was reacting to a pattern that hasn't existed since she moved out of her mother's home. But it is an old, ingrained pattern that she can slip into without even realizing it.
Marcie has chosen not to allow her old, combative patterns to influence her life in the present. When she feels the old patterns coming out and feels like pushing people away and doing everything on her own, she now stops and looks at what's making her feel like fighting. Marcie says it's often old issues related to how her mother treated her. When she knows her feelings are being influence by past trauma and pain, her anger disappears.
It is important for all of us to realize that no matter how hard our life has been or how poorly we've been treated we can rise above our past. We do not have to carry around pain and anger every day of our lives. We don't have to let our reactions to our past control our present.
Marcie will not let her mother's abuse affect her life now. Marcie knows who she is separate from the abuse and is her own person because she has chosen to leave her past and old patterns behind.
Marcie is an inspiration to anyone who has lived with an abusive parent or in an abusive situation.
Thank you very much for your letter, Marcie.
I would like you all to remember: Your world comes from within.
I hope you enjoyed The way is love this week.
I will soon have a new website and my blog will be a part of it.
Stay healthy, centred and truly yourselves.
Until next time, peace and love.
Marcie said she grew up with an abusive mother that was either overly critical or neglectful. It was a life of contrasts and as a consequence Marcie spent a lot of her childhood and adolescence either angry or trying to win her mother's love. Marcie feels that because she spent her time reacting to her mother's inconsistency, she came to view the world in a very narrow, hostile way. Marcie became very isolated and independent and strong-willed, but felt she had to fight for everything in her life. Marcie was constantly in self-defense mode and this made her defensive and reclusive. It also made Marcie's life a lot harder than it needed to be.
Marcie wrote me because she wanted to express how important it is for people to realize that they are not a product of their upbringing. Marcie has spent many years coming to terms with her mother's abusive behaviour and has learned through her own children that she is not the person she had to become to 'survive' her criticism and neglect.
Marcie is well aware that she became combative and very self-sufficient as a way to retain her inner-self while being abused by her mother. Marcie has realized some very important things: she is not responsible for her mother's mental illness, she has openly admitted to herself that her mother's behaviour had nothing whatsoever to do with her, she has confronted her mother and keeps her at arm's length emotionally, she has told her mother that it is not acceptable for her to behave abusively with her grand children and she has realized she is not an abusive personality herself.
Marcie has come to understand that her life is no longer a battle unless she thinks it is. And that is really the key. Reactions to situations come from within and Marcie realized she was reacting to a pattern that hasn't existed since she moved out of her mother's home. But it is an old, ingrained pattern that she can slip into without even realizing it.
Marcie has chosen not to allow her old, combative patterns to influence her life in the present. When she feels the old patterns coming out and feels like pushing people away and doing everything on her own, she now stops and looks at what's making her feel like fighting. Marcie says it's often old issues related to how her mother treated her. When she knows her feelings are being influence by past trauma and pain, her anger disappears.
It is important for all of us to realize that no matter how hard our life has been or how poorly we've been treated we can rise above our past. We do not have to carry around pain and anger every day of our lives. We don't have to let our reactions to our past control our present.
Marcie will not let her mother's abuse affect her life now. Marcie knows who she is separate from the abuse and is her own person because she has chosen to leave her past and old patterns behind.
Marcie is an inspiration to anyone who has lived with an abusive parent or in an abusive situation.
Thank you very much for your letter, Marcie.
I would like you all to remember: Your world comes from within.
I hope you enjoyed The way is love this week.
I will soon have a new website and my blog will be a part of it.
Stay healthy, centred and truly yourselves.
Until next time, peace and love.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Jeff doesn't know how to motivate his sales staff
Jeff, a small-business owner, wrote to me about his problems motivating his staff. For the last two years Jeff has implemented different incentives to increase sales, including performance and Christmas bonuses, sales contests and commission increases. Jeff said nothing has worked. The sales in his business have not increased and he does not see any more motivation in his staff to sell.
Jeff wants to know what more he can do, if anything, to create a sense of pride and enthusiasm among his eight employees.
There is nothing that increases pride and enthusiasm more quickly than feeling valued by your boss, and therefore your company.
To truly make your employees feel involved and part of your business it is important to nurture an open, genuine relationship with each one. You need to take an honest interest in who your employees are and get to know them. And when I say 'get to know your staff' I don't mean saying Hi in the morning, asking them how their weekend was and then launching into work-related talk. I mean really making a concerted effort to learn about who your employees are as individuals.
For example, Jeff's employees work mostly on the road so it's harder for him to create and maintain relationships with his staff. In Jeff's case he should call each sales rep every day to ask them how their day is going. Jeff shouldn't mention work at all, but instead focus on the person he is talking with. At first his employees may be a bit suspicious that he is checking up on them, but if he consistently initiates person-related conversations they will relax and start an open dialogue.
Another way for Jeff to create a feeling of trust is to invite each employee for lunch throughout the year. Jeff could use lunch as an opportunity to get to know his employees better. And then twice a year he could arrange a group lunch for the nine of them so that everyone can get to know one another. He could create some fun games that his employees can play over those lunches helping them to learn more about each other.
Jeff should continue to offer the incentives he was before, but by beginning more personal relationships with each sales rep he will be creating an atmosphere of trust and genuine interest that will pay off over time.
Needing money to live a good life is a financial reality for everyone, but nothing fosters co-operation and productivity better than creating and maintaining personal relationships with your staff.
In our society money is presented as the ultimate goal. We will be happy if we have a lot of money, money is the key to happiness, millionaires must be happy because they have a lot of money and so on and so on...
This simply isn't true. Money is a thing outside of ourselves and true fulfillment and purpose come from within. The truth is there are many unhappy people with lots of money.
Getting to know your employees is like any other relationship in your life, if it is built on respect and genuine interest it has the basic ingredients to flourish.
Nothing replaces the feeling of being valued! Nothing!
And especially not money.
Jeff wants to know what more he can do, if anything, to create a sense of pride and enthusiasm among his eight employees.
There is nothing that increases pride and enthusiasm more quickly than feeling valued by your boss, and therefore your company.
To truly make your employees feel involved and part of your business it is important to nurture an open, genuine relationship with each one. You need to take an honest interest in who your employees are and get to know them. And when I say 'get to know your staff' I don't mean saying Hi in the morning, asking them how their weekend was and then launching into work-related talk. I mean really making a concerted effort to learn about who your employees are as individuals.
For example, Jeff's employees work mostly on the road so it's harder for him to create and maintain relationships with his staff. In Jeff's case he should call each sales rep every day to ask them how their day is going. Jeff shouldn't mention work at all, but instead focus on the person he is talking with. At first his employees may be a bit suspicious that he is checking up on them, but if he consistently initiates person-related conversations they will relax and start an open dialogue.
Another way for Jeff to create a feeling of trust is to invite each employee for lunch throughout the year. Jeff could use lunch as an opportunity to get to know his employees better. And then twice a year he could arrange a group lunch for the nine of them so that everyone can get to know one another. He could create some fun games that his employees can play over those lunches helping them to learn more about each other.
Jeff should continue to offer the incentives he was before, but by beginning more personal relationships with each sales rep he will be creating an atmosphere of trust and genuine interest that will pay off over time.
Needing money to live a good life is a financial reality for everyone, but nothing fosters co-operation and productivity better than creating and maintaining personal relationships with your staff.
In our society money is presented as the ultimate goal. We will be happy if we have a lot of money, money is the key to happiness, millionaires must be happy because they have a lot of money and so on and so on...
This simply isn't true. Money is a thing outside of ourselves and true fulfillment and purpose come from within. The truth is there are many unhappy people with lots of money.
Getting to know your employees is like any other relationship in your life, if it is built on respect and genuine interest it has the basic ingredients to flourish.
Nothing replaces the feeling of being valued! Nothing!
And especially not money.
Friday, February 20, 2009
He's not management material--but he doesn't know it
Debbie wrote to me about her husband Marty, who is a kind, quiet, unassuming man. Marty is a diligent office worker and has had the same job for three years. Marty has not been promoted in those three years, but it didn't concern him until an opening came up for an office coordinator.
Debbie said that Marty assumed he would be considered for the job and was very disappointed and angry to find out that he hadn't even made the long list of candidates, never mind the short list.
Marty came home very upset saying he'd been wronged and forgotten and that his boss obviously doesn't value his work and his contribution to the team. Debbie, however, doesn't believe this is true. Debbie thinks Marty is considered a valued member of the team, but that Marty's boss has correctly given him a position where he isn't responsible for managing other people.
According to Debbie, Marty is not a very sociable person. He doesn't have a leader type of personality and has never made an effort to get to know his colleagues. He doesn't talk very much and has never been able to maintain a lot of friendships. He is not the type of person anyone would consider for a management position, but Marty doesn't seem to realize he is the way he is.
She thinks Marty may storm into his boss' office and make a scene and she is worried he may lose his job because of it. Debbie is also concerned about Marty's perception of himself. He doesn't seem to realize that he isn't outgoing enough and strong enough a personality to be an effective leader. Debbie loves her husband dearly but understands why he wasn't considered for the job.
Should Debbie tell Marty her observations or keep quiet?
I think that if Debbie truly believes Marty may make a scene with his boss then it is time for her to have a kind but firm conversation with him. He is obviously unaware of the way he behaves with people and needs to know how he is perceived before he makes any poor career choices.
I had a similar experience with one of my good friends in university. She was passed over for a head counselling job and was very angry about it. I remember thinking that I understood exactly why she hadn't been considered. She was the type of person that blended into the woodwork. She didn't have a strong enough personality to be an effective leader.
At the time her anger and frustration mystified me, but I chose not to say anything to her. Now I wonder if I should have said something.
I would suggest to Debbie that she ask her husband why he is so angry and frustrated. I think it is in those emotions that the answer, or at least the root of the problem, lies. He may not realize right now why he's angry and frustrated but with a little introspection he may find out some interesting things about himself.
Whenever we become angry and frustrated with a situation we are likely introducing old emotions into a current situation. Maybe being passed over hit a sore spot in him. It is possible that not being on the long list reinforced that sore spot and brought old emotions to the forefront.
Not everyone is a leader and nor should they be.
Marty should be himself and Debbie can help him realize that he is perfectly fine the way he is.
Debbie said that Marty assumed he would be considered for the job and was very disappointed and angry to find out that he hadn't even made the long list of candidates, never mind the short list.
Marty came home very upset saying he'd been wronged and forgotten and that his boss obviously doesn't value his work and his contribution to the team. Debbie, however, doesn't believe this is true. Debbie thinks Marty is considered a valued member of the team, but that Marty's boss has correctly given him a position where he isn't responsible for managing other people.
According to Debbie, Marty is not a very sociable person. He doesn't have a leader type of personality and has never made an effort to get to know his colleagues. He doesn't talk very much and has never been able to maintain a lot of friendships. He is not the type of person anyone would consider for a management position, but Marty doesn't seem to realize he is the way he is.
She thinks Marty may storm into his boss' office and make a scene and she is worried he may lose his job because of it. Debbie is also concerned about Marty's perception of himself. He doesn't seem to realize that he isn't outgoing enough and strong enough a personality to be an effective leader. Debbie loves her husband dearly but understands why he wasn't considered for the job.
Should Debbie tell Marty her observations or keep quiet?
I think that if Debbie truly believes Marty may make a scene with his boss then it is time for her to have a kind but firm conversation with him. He is obviously unaware of the way he behaves with people and needs to know how he is perceived before he makes any poor career choices.
I had a similar experience with one of my good friends in university. She was passed over for a head counselling job and was very angry about it. I remember thinking that I understood exactly why she hadn't been considered. She was the type of person that blended into the woodwork. She didn't have a strong enough personality to be an effective leader.
At the time her anger and frustration mystified me, but I chose not to say anything to her. Now I wonder if I should have said something.
I would suggest to Debbie that she ask her husband why he is so angry and frustrated. I think it is in those emotions that the answer, or at least the root of the problem, lies. He may not realize right now why he's angry and frustrated but with a little introspection he may find out some interesting things about himself.
Whenever we become angry and frustrated with a situation we are likely introducing old emotions into a current situation. Maybe being passed over hit a sore spot in him. It is possible that not being on the long list reinforced that sore spot and brought old emotions to the forefront.
Not everyone is a leader and nor should they be.
Marty should be himself and Debbie can help him realize that he is perfectly fine the way he is.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Maggie says her husband is a good man...but is he?
Maggie wrote to me about her teenage son's hatred for his father. Maggie said her husband hasn't been working for about five years now because of his heart condition. He is a heavy smoker and spends his time lying on the couch watching TV, napping and smoking all day. Maggie's husband doesn't clean the house, make any meals or do any laundry while Maggie holds down a full-time job and looks after the household too.
Maggie's son, David, doesn't want to be near his father. David refuses to eat dinner with the family and often yells at his father calling him lazy and selfish. David spends most of his time in his room.
Maggie made it very clear that David is expected to do well at his private school and keep a part-time job. Maggie feels that her husband is a good man and a good father and doesn't understand why David is so hard on him. She thinks that David is being ungrateful and acting like a spoiled child.
There are a few issues going on within this family that I think are not being acknowledged by Maggie.
David is expected to be more responsible than his father and this is, naturally, making him very angry. He thinks his parents' expectations of him are unfair considering the fact that his father isn't expected to do anything at all.
David has the right to be angry. Maggie needs to face her situation before her relationship with her son is ruined.
I do not know why Maggie is defending her husband. Even if her husband is legitimately sick because of a heart condition he is obviously not making any effort whatsoever to contribute to the family. He is actually hurting himself further by smoking and lying on the couch all day. These are two extremely unhealthy habits. But on top of that Maggie and her husband expect their son to be responsible and hard-working even though his father clearly is not.
David's father is setting a horrible example. Not only is he taking advantage of his wife and making her life extremely stressful because she is responsible for everything, but he is also alienating their son. When Maggie sides with her husband, even though her husband is behaving very poorly, she is giving her son no choice but to stay away from them both physically and emotionally.
David is being emotionally isolated and this concerns me greatly. David sees his family situation very clearly and in my opinion has every right to be angry, but no one is validating his feelings. On the contrary, both of his parents are telling him he is wrong and that he is the selfish, ungrateful one.
It is time for Maggie to wake up and start defending her very responsible son. Maggie also needs to stop allowing her husband to take advantage of her.
I don't know why Maggie has accepted being used, but she needs to get a hold of this situation. Her mother-son relationship needs to be re-established before irreparable damage has been done.
Sometimes these unequal relationships set up very slowly over time and it is possible that Maggie has become used to it. She may not realize how much she is being taken advantage of because it happened gradually. However, David can teach her a very valuable lesson, if she is willing to learn it. Children have a natural talent for recognizing the difference between fair and unfair and David has recognized the inequality of this situation. I hope Maggie is able to listen to her son and accept the fact that her husband needs to change his behaviour before it's too late.
Maggie's son, David, doesn't want to be near his father. David refuses to eat dinner with the family and often yells at his father calling him lazy and selfish. David spends most of his time in his room.
Maggie made it very clear that David is expected to do well at his private school and keep a part-time job. Maggie feels that her husband is a good man and a good father and doesn't understand why David is so hard on him. She thinks that David is being ungrateful and acting like a spoiled child.
There are a few issues going on within this family that I think are not being acknowledged by Maggie.
- Maggie doesn't seem to believe that her husband is lazy or taking advantage of her.
- Maggie's husband already has a heart condition but he continues to be a heavy smoker which is self-destructive.
- David is angry because he thinks his father is lazy and selfish, but Maggie defends her husband's behaviour.
- Maggie's son refuses to spend time with his father and Maggie claims not to understand why.
David is expected to be more responsible than his father and this is, naturally, making him very angry. He thinks his parents' expectations of him are unfair considering the fact that his father isn't expected to do anything at all.
David has the right to be angry. Maggie needs to face her situation before her relationship with her son is ruined.
I do not know why Maggie is defending her husband. Even if her husband is legitimately sick because of a heart condition he is obviously not making any effort whatsoever to contribute to the family. He is actually hurting himself further by smoking and lying on the couch all day. These are two extremely unhealthy habits. But on top of that Maggie and her husband expect their son to be responsible and hard-working even though his father clearly is not.
David's father is setting a horrible example. Not only is he taking advantage of his wife and making her life extremely stressful because she is responsible for everything, but he is also alienating their son. When Maggie sides with her husband, even though her husband is behaving very poorly, she is giving her son no choice but to stay away from them both physically and emotionally.
David is being emotionally isolated and this concerns me greatly. David sees his family situation very clearly and in my opinion has every right to be angry, but no one is validating his feelings. On the contrary, both of his parents are telling him he is wrong and that he is the selfish, ungrateful one.
It is time for Maggie to wake up and start defending her very responsible son. Maggie also needs to stop allowing her husband to take advantage of her.
I don't know why Maggie has accepted being used, but she needs to get a hold of this situation. Her mother-son relationship needs to be re-established before irreparable damage has been done.
Sometimes these unequal relationships set up very slowly over time and it is possible that Maggie has become used to it. She may not realize how much she is being taken advantage of because it happened gradually. However, David can teach her a very valuable lesson, if she is willing to learn it. Children have a natural talent for recognizing the difference between fair and unfair and David has recognized the inequality of this situation. I hope Maggie is able to listen to her son and accept the fact that her husband needs to change his behaviour before it's too late.
Friday, February 6, 2009
She's amazing and he's going to break up with her
Peter wrote to me about his new girlfriend, Deborah. He has been seeing Deborah for the last six months and Peter thinks she is beautiful, smart, warm, funny and kind. And on top of all that she really likes Peter. Deborah is very enthusiastic about their relationship and about Peter's work. Peter thinks, however, that she may be staying with him because he recently got an acting job on a TV series.
Peter said that he met Deborah around the same time he got the acting job and he doesn't think it is a coincidence. Peter wants to know if his friends are right thinking he's crazy to break up with her or if he should let her go.
I can understand Peter's caution about being with someone that wants him purely for his star status. Peter is looking for a relationship based on mutual love and respect and it would be painful for him to find out that Deborah was interested only in his fame. I agree with Peter that it was not a coincidence (because I don't believe in coincidences) that he met Deborah when he did; but I'd like to suggest that maybe he met her not for the reason he thinks he did.
It is possible that he was in a very good space in his life when he met her. He may have been emitting very dynamic, positive energy that not only helped him get the acting job, but also attracted Deborah to him. Despite what people say about opposites attracting, physicists have know for a long time now that like attracts like. I think that when Peter met Deborah they were likely both giving off similar positive energy and that's what attracted them to each other.
I have experienced this in my own life and it is a remarkable experience and can seem too good to be true at first (but, believe me, it isn't). Our culture has trained us to believe that love is difficult, that we must struggle to attain it and keep it and that often people are trying to use us in some way.
If Peter's feelings and intentions for Deborah are true and he loves her for all her wonderful qualities and for herself then he should stay with her. If she is as wonderful as he described then he shouldn't break up with her because she might be in love with his fame.
Why shouldn't he? Because, what if she is in love with him and not his fame?
If he chooses to break up with her rather than take that chance he may end up losing a wonderful woman that he could have spent his life with.
There is a reason why Peter and Deborah met and it may be for all the right reasons and none of the wrong ones.
Thank you for being part of The way is love today.
Feel free to send me your suggestions and comments.
Peace and love.
Peter said that he met Deborah around the same time he got the acting job and he doesn't think it is a coincidence. Peter wants to know if his friends are right thinking he's crazy to break up with her or if he should let her go.
I can understand Peter's caution about being with someone that wants him purely for his star status. Peter is looking for a relationship based on mutual love and respect and it would be painful for him to find out that Deborah was interested only in his fame. I agree with Peter that it was not a coincidence (because I don't believe in coincidences) that he met Deborah when he did; but I'd like to suggest that maybe he met her not for the reason he thinks he did.
It is possible that he was in a very good space in his life when he met her. He may have been emitting very dynamic, positive energy that not only helped him get the acting job, but also attracted Deborah to him. Despite what people say about opposites attracting, physicists have know for a long time now that like attracts like. I think that when Peter met Deborah they were likely both giving off similar positive energy and that's what attracted them to each other.
I have experienced this in my own life and it is a remarkable experience and can seem too good to be true at first (but, believe me, it isn't). Our culture has trained us to believe that love is difficult, that we must struggle to attain it and keep it and that often people are trying to use us in some way.
If Peter's feelings and intentions for Deborah are true and he loves her for all her wonderful qualities and for herself then he should stay with her. If she is as wonderful as he described then he shouldn't break up with her because she might be in love with his fame.
Why shouldn't he? Because, what if she is in love with him and not his fame?
If he chooses to break up with her rather than take that chance he may end up losing a wonderful woman that he could have spent his life with.
There is a reason why Peter and Deborah met and it may be for all the right reasons and none of the wrong ones.
Thank you for being part of The way is love today.
Feel free to send me your suggestions and comments.
Peace and love.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Opportunity where you least expect it
Michael wrote me about finding his dream job where he least expected it. He said he had always wanted to be a travel writer and experience different cultures while working for a network. Michael kept applying for network jobs related to writing, but he always ended up with a desk job that didn't involve travel. Then he tried working as a reporter on assignment, but he was only given local assignments, nothing international.
Every time he tried to mix writing and travel it never seemed to work. Michael became discouraged and disillusioned thinking that maybe his dream just wasn't ever going to become reality. Michael finally quit his job at the network and started working for a bank instead. He didn't really know much about finance but decided to give it a try.
After working at the bank for six months he happened to meet someone from the bank who was looking for an insurance agent and researcher. She needed a writer with reporting and interviewing experience to collect insurance-related data from banking clients all over the world. Michael ended up getting the job and has been doing it ever since. That was over a year ago.
Michael's point in writing me was to express how he ended up finding his dream job exactly where he hadn't expected it.
I think Michael is making a great point. Sometimes life gives us opportunities that we can't even imagine. We can have our mind's set on a certain dream and possibly miss out on an opportunity because we are not keeping our eye's open. Dreams can be fulfilled in all different shapes and forms.
I have had this happen to me as well and once someone even had to say to me, "Wake up! I am offering you a great opportunity here. It is yours if you want it. Wake up!"
Opportunities in life, whether professional or personal, don't always happen the way we expect them to. My life has changed dramatically in the last few years and if someone had asked me five years ago if I'd be here, I never would have said yes. I am thrilled to be where I am, however, and wouldn't want my life to be any different, but in my mind I never imagined it would transpire the way it has.
Our lives are filled with opportunities if we keep our eye's and mind's open. It is important to not have preconceived notions about how things will play out. And for those times when we just don't get it I hope we all have someone forthright enough to say, "Wake up!" I'm glad I did.
Every time he tried to mix writing and travel it never seemed to work. Michael became discouraged and disillusioned thinking that maybe his dream just wasn't ever going to become reality. Michael finally quit his job at the network and started working for a bank instead. He didn't really know much about finance but decided to give it a try.
After working at the bank for six months he happened to meet someone from the bank who was looking for an insurance agent and researcher. She needed a writer with reporting and interviewing experience to collect insurance-related data from banking clients all over the world. Michael ended up getting the job and has been doing it ever since. That was over a year ago.
Michael's point in writing me was to express how he ended up finding his dream job exactly where he hadn't expected it.
I think Michael is making a great point. Sometimes life gives us opportunities that we can't even imagine. We can have our mind's set on a certain dream and possibly miss out on an opportunity because we are not keeping our eye's open. Dreams can be fulfilled in all different shapes and forms.
I have had this happen to me as well and once someone even had to say to me, "Wake up! I am offering you a great opportunity here. It is yours if you want it. Wake up!"
Opportunities in life, whether professional or personal, don't always happen the way we expect them to. My life has changed dramatically in the last few years and if someone had asked me five years ago if I'd be here, I never would have said yes. I am thrilled to be where I am, however, and wouldn't want my life to be any different, but in my mind I never imagined it would transpire the way it has.
Our lives are filled with opportunities if we keep our eye's and mind's open. It is important to not have preconceived notions about how things will play out. And for those times when we just don't get it I hope we all have someone forthright enough to say, "Wake up!" I'm glad I did.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Saying sorry in the real world
Janice thinks she apologizes too much. She often says 'I'm sorry,' without even realizing it and is wondering if it is a problem. Janice also mentions that when it comes to important, emotionally charged situations she tends not to apologize at all, even if the situation warrants it.
I think it is common in our society for women to apologize for many little things that come up. For example, how many times have you backed up and almost, but not quite, stepped on someone, and said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.' I have certainly apologized countless times in situations such as this that don't require an apology.
Men tend to apologize less and I have noticed that when men inadvertently step on someone, for example, they often don't apologize even then. In our society men are only encouraged to apologize for larger offences, but there is a stigma attached to men apologizing nonetheless. Real men just aren't supposed to apologize, and consequently not a lot of them do.
I think that anyone apologizing for small things that don't warrant an apology is not a good idea. Whenever something is said too often it loses its import.
I have trained myself to not say I'm sorry at the drop of a hat. I think, especially for women, it's not a good idea to be apologizing all the time. As a gender we are not collectively responsible for events that happen and we shouldn't act as if we are.
Also no one is responsible for so many things around them that they need to be apologizing again and again. It sends a message of weakness and culpability. People who apologize too much can either appear insincere or to be lacking in confidence.
Janice said that she has no trouble apologizing for the small, insignificant things but can't seem to say she's sorry at the important times. This is another issue.
Taking responsibility for your mistakes or for hurting someone's feelings (whether purposefully or not) is part of being a mature person. People who have trouble saying they are sorry when it is important often blame things or situations for their behaviour, rather than taking responsibility for themselves. They will often say things like, 'well, if you hadn't made me come home then I wouldn't have been rude to you' or 'if you'd told me about the schedule change earlier I wouldn't have been so late,' and so on. There is no excuse for being rude at any time and if the person knew about the schedule change then why were they late at all?
I wonder why Janice apologizes for all the small stuff but can't take responsibility for her behaviour when it really counts? Does she believe that all the small apologies are enough? Does she believe that being self-effacing in general negates her poor behaviour at other times?
I think the fact that Janice is aware of her behaviour is a big step in the right direction.
My advice to Janice would be to stop apologizing for the small stuff and start taking responsibility, and apologizing, for the big stuff. These are both extremely important steps to becoming a mature person and using the word 'sorry' when it really matters gives your apology the weight it deserves.
Thank you for being at The way is love today. I wish you all peace and love and until next Friday live well, love much and laugh often.
I think it is common in our society for women to apologize for many little things that come up. For example, how many times have you backed up and almost, but not quite, stepped on someone, and said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.' I have certainly apologized countless times in situations such as this that don't require an apology.
Men tend to apologize less and I have noticed that when men inadvertently step on someone, for example, they often don't apologize even then. In our society men are only encouraged to apologize for larger offences, but there is a stigma attached to men apologizing nonetheless. Real men just aren't supposed to apologize, and consequently not a lot of them do.
I think that anyone apologizing for small things that don't warrant an apology is not a good idea. Whenever something is said too often it loses its import.
I have trained myself to not say I'm sorry at the drop of a hat. I think, especially for women, it's not a good idea to be apologizing all the time. As a gender we are not collectively responsible for events that happen and we shouldn't act as if we are.
Also no one is responsible for so many things around them that they need to be apologizing again and again. It sends a message of weakness and culpability. People who apologize too much can either appear insincere or to be lacking in confidence.
Janice said that she has no trouble apologizing for the small, insignificant things but can't seem to say she's sorry at the important times. This is another issue.
Taking responsibility for your mistakes or for hurting someone's feelings (whether purposefully or not) is part of being a mature person. People who have trouble saying they are sorry when it is important often blame things or situations for their behaviour, rather than taking responsibility for themselves. They will often say things like, 'well, if you hadn't made me come home then I wouldn't have been rude to you' or 'if you'd told me about the schedule change earlier I wouldn't have been so late,' and so on. There is no excuse for being rude at any time and if the person knew about the schedule change then why were they late at all?
I wonder why Janice apologizes for all the small stuff but can't take responsibility for her behaviour when it really counts? Does she believe that all the small apologies are enough? Does she believe that being self-effacing in general negates her poor behaviour at other times?
I think the fact that Janice is aware of her behaviour is a big step in the right direction.
My advice to Janice would be to stop apologizing for the small stuff and start taking responsibility, and apologizing, for the big stuff. These are both extremely important steps to becoming a mature person and using the word 'sorry' when it really matters gives your apology the weight it deserves.
Thank you for being at The way is love today. I wish you all peace and love and until next Friday live well, love much and laugh often.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Societal pressures and raising children
Marianne wrote to me about her frustration with the expectations of her son's hockey coach. She said her son is only ten years old but the coach pressures the parents into making sure that their kids never miss a game or practice. Even legitimate reasons for missing a game or practice are frowned upon. Marianne said her son's coach called her and said that he felt she wasn't keeping her commitment to the team because her son had missed one practice and one game. She explained that she felt three games in one week was asking too much and that's why she hadn't taken her son to the third game.
For Marianne the situation is also complicated by the fact that she is a single mother and doesn't see her son every day. She wanted to spend that Sunday morning relaxing with her son rather than getting up at six a.m. to take him to an early morning hockey game. She explained this to her son's coach, but he did not understand her decision to spend quality time with her son.
The pressure that Marianne is feeling is an excellent example of how our society, in general, focuses on performance rather than relationships.
I think organized sports are great for kids and my son has played hockey for five years now, however, I have also experienced the same pressures as Marianne. Marianne's question to me was how can she get her son's coach to understand her position.
My answer is she likely can't.
It isn't important whether the coach understands where she's coming from. It is important for Marianne to remember that she is the one raising her son and she is the one that decides what is reasonable and unreasonable to expect of herself and her son. If the coach doesn't want to see her point of view or care about her situation that is his loss. Marianne can choose when it makes sense for her son to go, and not go, to the games and practices.
It is important to teach children that when they play on a team that they should go to as many games and practices as possible. But it is also equally important to teach children that a hockey game or practice is not more important than their school work, family relationships or special events, such as the birthday party of a best friend. I know that my son's coach would expect his son to miss everything but his school work to attend a practice or game. That is his choice.
What happens to boys who grow up thinking that duty to the 'team' is more important than anything else? They grow up to be men that put their work before everything else in their lives, including their families.
Our society is becoming more and more chaotic. Children have less and less unstructured time and as a result are over-scheduled. This over-scheduling means parents and children don't have enough quality time together.
When I told my son's coach that my son would be unable to attend a practice because of a family gathering the coach said that was my choice but that he didn't agree with it.
That is what life is like. We can't always agree, but we must remember to raise our children according to our own beliefs despite societal pressures, whether small or large.
Thank you for being here at The way is love. If you have any suggestions for blog topics or any comments or questions don't hesitate to ask.
Peace and love.
For Marianne the situation is also complicated by the fact that she is a single mother and doesn't see her son every day. She wanted to spend that Sunday morning relaxing with her son rather than getting up at six a.m. to take him to an early morning hockey game. She explained this to her son's coach, but he did not understand her decision to spend quality time with her son.
The pressure that Marianne is feeling is an excellent example of how our society, in general, focuses on performance rather than relationships.
I think organized sports are great for kids and my son has played hockey for five years now, however, I have also experienced the same pressures as Marianne. Marianne's question to me was how can she get her son's coach to understand her position.
My answer is she likely can't.
It isn't important whether the coach understands where she's coming from. It is important for Marianne to remember that she is the one raising her son and she is the one that decides what is reasonable and unreasonable to expect of herself and her son. If the coach doesn't want to see her point of view or care about her situation that is his loss. Marianne can choose when it makes sense for her son to go, and not go, to the games and practices.
It is important to teach children that when they play on a team that they should go to as many games and practices as possible. But it is also equally important to teach children that a hockey game or practice is not more important than their school work, family relationships or special events, such as the birthday party of a best friend. I know that my son's coach would expect his son to miss everything but his school work to attend a practice or game. That is his choice.
What happens to boys who grow up thinking that duty to the 'team' is more important than anything else? They grow up to be men that put their work before everything else in their lives, including their families.
Our society is becoming more and more chaotic. Children have less and less unstructured time and as a result are over-scheduled. This over-scheduling means parents and children don't have enough quality time together.
When I told my son's coach that my son would be unable to attend a practice because of a family gathering the coach said that was my choice but that he didn't agree with it.
That is what life is like. We can't always agree, but we must remember to raise our children according to our own beliefs despite societal pressures, whether small or large.
Thank you for being here at The way is love. If you have any suggestions for blog topics or any comments or questions don't hesitate to ask.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tuesday In depth
When we are inflexible about predicable changes in our lives, like Janice was in my last blog, we distance ourselves from other people. We hold other people responsible for our own fearful feelings and this creates animosity and keeps people at arm's length emotionally.
Do most people realize they are behaving this way? I don't think so. People who find change unsettling and even frightening are often behaving unconsciously.
People like Janice think that controlling everything around them will reduce their fearful feelings, but just the opposite is true.
The more Janice tries to control everything in her life the more chaotic her life will feel.
Why?
Because control is an illusion.
Fearful people end up focusing on how change makes everything go wrong. When plans change, as they naturally do, people like Janice think that things shouldn't be changing and therefore aren't going right.
Because Janice can't handle change her insecurity will manifest itself in inflexible behaviour and animosity towards whoever changed, or wants to change, the plans.
When we react out of fear to predictable life changes we are putting our own (irrational) feelings first and putting other people last. That's why fearful people find it hard to maintain friendships. Spending time with controlling, fearful people is a stressful, negative experience. Very few people will spend time with fearful people for very long.
This creates a vicious cycle for inflexible people. They are incapable of handling change, focus on trying to control everything to compensate, alienate the people around them in the process and end up getting angry that they are alone and misunderstood.
The question people like Janice need to address and answer honestly is why they want to control everything?
We create our own realities and externalizing our fears is an example of how to create a chaotic, frightening and lonely life.
Do most people realize they are behaving this way? I don't think so. People who find change unsettling and even frightening are often behaving unconsciously.
People like Janice think that controlling everything around them will reduce their fearful feelings, but just the opposite is true.
The more Janice tries to control everything in her life the more chaotic her life will feel.
Why?
Because control is an illusion.
Fearful people end up focusing on how change makes everything go wrong. When plans change, as they naturally do, people like Janice think that things shouldn't be changing and therefore aren't going right.
Because Janice can't handle change her insecurity will manifest itself in inflexible behaviour and animosity towards whoever changed, or wants to change, the plans.
When we react out of fear to predictable life changes we are putting our own (irrational) feelings first and putting other people last. That's why fearful people find it hard to maintain friendships. Spending time with controlling, fearful people is a stressful, negative experience. Very few people will spend time with fearful people for very long.
This creates a vicious cycle for inflexible people. They are incapable of handling change, focus on trying to control everything to compensate, alienate the people around them in the process and end up getting angry that they are alone and misunderstood.
The question people like Janice need to address and answer honestly is why they want to control everything?
We create our own realities and externalizing our fears is an example of how to create a chaotic, frightening and lonely life.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Accepting the inevitability of change
Janice wrote to me about her inability to handle change well. She said that the smallest thing can set her off and make her upset and inflexible. For Janice it can be something as simple as a change in chosen restaurant for supper or a minor schedule change at work and she will start complaining and worrying that things won't work out. She said she gets used to the idea of one thing and then when she has to get used to a new unanticipated event she feels unsettled, even if the new event makes more sense, is more convenient or has transpired for a legitimate reason.
I think that most people have to emotionally adjust to plan changes. Some people, such as Janice, take longer to adjust than others, but everyone has to rethink things before they can feel comfortable with them. Change is one of the constants in life (as odd as that sounds) and it is important not to invest so deeply in situations that even a restaurant change makes you feel out of balance.
Being flexible is a skill that some people learn more easily than others. This is a skill, however, that needs to be learned by everyone.
Why is learning to be flexible so important, especially for people like Janice?
Well, what if tomorrow she got laid off and consequently her whole routine changed dramatically. Her income is lost, she no longer has work colleagues and her social network has ended as well.
If Janice, and people like her, are upset by minor changes how will they handle being laid off? Chances are not too well. But they are not likely the only person affected by their job loss. What if they have children and a spouse that counts on them for not only financial help but emotional support as well?
Janice, and people like her, simply can't curl up and stop doing their chores, attending to their responsibilities or being a mother and a wife. They are adults and therefore examples for their children, friends, family members and for their spouses.
There are ways to deal with unanticipated change, whether small or large.
First of all, it is important to remember that we are essentially the same person at one restaurant versus another, one day versus another and at any job we do. We are also the same person whether we are employed or unemployed. That is not to say that we do not grow personally over time, but our intrinsic value is within us and not related to any outside situation.
Secondly, identifying too much with a person, place or thing is counterproductive because it distances us from ourselves. A lot of people get caught up in the 'importance' of the roles they play in life and forget that they are an individual independent of all these roles. Janice is not a mother or employee or a friend first--she is herself first.
Thirdly, once we acknowledge that change can be emotionally difficult we can address why change makes us feel uncomfortable and deal with it.
In my Tuesday In depth blog I will be discussing how being inflexible limits our personal experiences and isolates us from other people--and consequently ourselves. I hope to see you then.
Thank you for experiencing The way is love today. I hope you enjoyed Janice's story and if you have any comments please feel free to discuss your ideas and feelings with me.
Peace and love.
I think that most people have to emotionally adjust to plan changes. Some people, such as Janice, take longer to adjust than others, but everyone has to rethink things before they can feel comfortable with them. Change is one of the constants in life (as odd as that sounds) and it is important not to invest so deeply in situations that even a restaurant change makes you feel out of balance.
Being flexible is a skill that some people learn more easily than others. This is a skill, however, that needs to be learned by everyone.
Why is learning to be flexible so important, especially for people like Janice?
Well, what if tomorrow she got laid off and consequently her whole routine changed dramatically. Her income is lost, she no longer has work colleagues and her social network has ended as well.
If Janice, and people like her, are upset by minor changes how will they handle being laid off? Chances are not too well. But they are not likely the only person affected by their job loss. What if they have children and a spouse that counts on them for not only financial help but emotional support as well?
Janice, and people like her, simply can't curl up and stop doing their chores, attending to their responsibilities or being a mother and a wife. They are adults and therefore examples for their children, friends, family members and for their spouses.
There are ways to deal with unanticipated change, whether small or large.
First of all, it is important to remember that we are essentially the same person at one restaurant versus another, one day versus another and at any job we do. We are also the same person whether we are employed or unemployed. That is not to say that we do not grow personally over time, but our intrinsic value is within us and not related to any outside situation.
Secondly, identifying too much with a person, place or thing is counterproductive because it distances us from ourselves. A lot of people get caught up in the 'importance' of the roles they play in life and forget that they are an individual independent of all these roles. Janice is not a mother or employee or a friend first--she is herself first.
Thirdly, once we acknowledge that change can be emotionally difficult we can address why change makes us feel uncomfortable and deal with it.
In my Tuesday In depth blog I will be discussing how being inflexible limits our personal experiences and isolates us from other people--and consequently ourselves. I hope to see you then.
Thank you for experiencing The way is love today. I hope you enjoyed Janice's story and if you have any comments please feel free to discuss your ideas and feelings with me.
Peace and love.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Children and fulfillment
Nancy wrote to me and said she has missed out on a fulfilling life because she does not have a child. Nancy said that she hasn't met a man that she wanted to have a child with and now feels very lonely and somewhat depressed about it. Even though Nancy is only 40, she thinks that she is too old to have a child now.
Being a parent is a very rewarding experience and also a huge responsibility. Becoming a parent is not a decision to be taken lightly. I think if Nancy hasn't felt right about having a child with the men she has met so far that she has made the right decision in not doing so.
The concern I have is that Nancy seems to feel that the only way her life will be fulfilled is if she has a child. She thinks she won't ever have a child now so her life, consequently, will never be fulfilled.
Nancy needs to accept the fact that she may never have a child and realize that her life can be extremely fulfilling without having children. There are many ways Nancy can make a contribution to a child's life without that child necessarily being her own. She could even adopt a child if she felt able to do that financially and emotionally. It may not be exactly what she had imagined her life would be, but it is important to be flexible because there are always alternatives if you keep your mind open to them.
I hope that Nancy learns to accept that she may not have a child. If she accepts that then she can start coming up with alternatives that will make her life fulfilling. Nancy has so many options that she may not yet realize. I don't want her to only focus on what she feels she doesn't have.
Why?
Focusing her energy only on what she feels she'll never have is a sure way for her to become depressed and negative.
Nancy thinks she will never have any children and won't ever be happy so she may end up rejecting people and situations that arise in her life that could give her exactly what she wants. Nancy could actually end up rejecting what she really wants simply because she thinks she will never have it.
This may sound strange, but people actually do this to themselves a lot. People can end up undermining themselves and not realize it because they are limiting what they believe. That is why it is so important to keep your mind open and to be flexible, rather than rigid.
The only sure thing in life is change. Nothing ever remains the same.
This is a very inspiring and liberating truth because it means that there are always alternatives if you are open and willing to see them.
Thank you all for being here at The way is love today. If you have any comments or questions feel free to contact me.
Peace and love.
Being a parent is a very rewarding experience and also a huge responsibility. Becoming a parent is not a decision to be taken lightly. I think if Nancy hasn't felt right about having a child with the men she has met so far that she has made the right decision in not doing so.
The concern I have is that Nancy seems to feel that the only way her life will be fulfilled is if she has a child. She thinks she won't ever have a child now so her life, consequently, will never be fulfilled.
Nancy needs to accept the fact that she may never have a child and realize that her life can be extremely fulfilling without having children. There are many ways Nancy can make a contribution to a child's life without that child necessarily being her own. She could even adopt a child if she felt able to do that financially and emotionally. It may not be exactly what she had imagined her life would be, but it is important to be flexible because there are always alternatives if you keep your mind open to them.
I hope that Nancy learns to accept that she may not have a child. If she accepts that then she can start coming up with alternatives that will make her life fulfilling. Nancy has so many options that she may not yet realize. I don't want her to only focus on what she feels she doesn't have.
Why?
Focusing her energy only on what she feels she'll never have is a sure way for her to become depressed and negative.
Nancy thinks she will never have any children and won't ever be happy so she may end up rejecting people and situations that arise in her life that could give her exactly what she wants. Nancy could actually end up rejecting what she really wants simply because she thinks she will never have it.
This may sound strange, but people actually do this to themselves a lot. People can end up undermining themselves and not realize it because they are limiting what they believe. That is why it is so important to keep your mind open and to be flexible, rather than rigid.
The only sure thing in life is change. Nothing ever remains the same.
This is a very inspiring and liberating truth because it means that there are always alternatives if you are open and willing to see them.
Thank you all for being here at The way is love today. If you have any comments or questions feel free to contact me.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Tuesday In depth
Did Jake really believe that his girlfriend would be happy being second in his life?
I don't believe he did.
If Jake had truly been putting his work first and his girlfriend second I don't think he would have been upset that she left. By his reaction to her leaving I get the impression that she was not second, but that he was having trouble balancing his need to succeed at work and his need to be a boyfriend.
Our society puts a lot of pressure, especially on men, to be successful and to make money. Men are encouraged to identify with their careers more than being good boyfriends or good people. It is unfortunate that our society focuses on superficial things that don't really matter. What do I mean by that?
Walk by any magazine rack and you will see beautiful people airbrushed and smiling, skinny fitness gurus and things you 'must' buy to keep up with your neighbours. If you look at the business racks you see magazines about making more money, how you should invest that money and what gadgets you can spend that money on.
Our society has become all about superficial things that don't really matter. You are not a better person if you have a beautiful face or body, or if you have a lot of money and an iphone, for example. These are all exterior qualities or things that are of no real intrinsic value.
Having said that there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, staying in shape and enjoying your work. There is everything good about wanting to be successful, but in all of these desires something is not being mentioned, not being faced.
Why was Jake upset his girlfriend left? It was because he loved her and didn't put his priorities in the right order for him. He fell into society's trap of focusing on doing, working, having, and not focusing on being present for his girlfriend emotionally. It is so important to remember that people want to be heard. People want to be acknowledged and they want to be loved.
I doubt that Jake would have been happy being second in his girlfriend's life. How would he have felt if she were constantly checking her phone, e-mails and working first and spending time with him only when she could 'fit him in'?
He would have resented her time spent away from him and likely asked her to put all that aside sometimes to only focus on him. Would that have been an unreasonable request? No, I don't believe so. If she couldn't even go away for a week without working what would that have told him? That would have told him that nothing is more important than her work, not even him.
Behaviour is everything. Everyone can take a week off from work. Some people choose not to, but everyone can do it. Life is about making choices. If you behave as if your work is more important than anything else but don't actually feel that way, then you are off balance.
I believe this is what happened to Jake. He focused on fulfilling his work commitments, but forgot about his commitment to his own feelings. He loved his girlfriend and wanted to be with her, but didn't end up behaving that way.
It was great to have you here at Tuesday In depth. Come by on Friday for my weekly The way is love blog and feel free to ask questions or make comments.
Peace and love.
I don't believe he did.
If Jake had truly been putting his work first and his girlfriend second I don't think he would have been upset that she left. By his reaction to her leaving I get the impression that she was not second, but that he was having trouble balancing his need to succeed at work and his need to be a boyfriend.
Our society puts a lot of pressure, especially on men, to be successful and to make money. Men are encouraged to identify with their careers more than being good boyfriends or good people. It is unfortunate that our society focuses on superficial things that don't really matter. What do I mean by that?
Walk by any magazine rack and you will see beautiful people airbrushed and smiling, skinny fitness gurus and things you 'must' buy to keep up with your neighbours. If you look at the business racks you see magazines about making more money, how you should invest that money and what gadgets you can spend that money on.
Our society has become all about superficial things that don't really matter. You are not a better person if you have a beautiful face or body, or if you have a lot of money and an iphone, for example. These are all exterior qualities or things that are of no real intrinsic value.
Having said that there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, staying in shape and enjoying your work. There is everything good about wanting to be successful, but in all of these desires something is not being mentioned, not being faced.
Why was Jake upset his girlfriend left? It was because he loved her and didn't put his priorities in the right order for him. He fell into society's trap of focusing on doing, working, having, and not focusing on being present for his girlfriend emotionally. It is so important to remember that people want to be heard. People want to be acknowledged and they want to be loved.
I doubt that Jake would have been happy being second in his girlfriend's life. How would he have felt if she were constantly checking her phone, e-mails and working first and spending time with him only when she could 'fit him in'?
He would have resented her time spent away from him and likely asked her to put all that aside sometimes to only focus on him. Would that have been an unreasonable request? No, I don't believe so. If she couldn't even go away for a week without working what would that have told him? That would have told him that nothing is more important than her work, not even him.
Behaviour is everything. Everyone can take a week off from work. Some people choose not to, but everyone can do it. Life is about making choices. If you behave as if your work is more important than anything else but don't actually feel that way, then you are off balance.
I believe this is what happened to Jake. He focused on fulfilling his work commitments, but forgot about his commitment to his own feelings. He loved his girlfriend and wanted to be with her, but didn't end up behaving that way.
It was great to have you here at Tuesday In depth. Come by on Friday for my weekly The way is love blog and feel free to ask questions or make comments.
Peace and love.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Relationships and ambition
Jake, a web developer for a high tech company, wrote to me about his last relationship and why it ended. Jake said his girlfriend became annoyed with how often he checked his e-mails and text messages and how much time he spent online. During their last vacation together she wanted him to promise not to work at all while they were away. He said he had to work while they were away because he is responsible for uploading new content to his company's web site.
Jake is having trouble balancing his ambition and a relationship. He wrote that his work was his first priority and yet he wondered why his girlfriend had broken up with him. He asked me, don't women want men to be ambitious. Yes, but I think balance is the key.
Being ambitious does not mean putting your career ahead of your personal relationships. It is important to be honest with yourself about what your true priorities are. The question I asked myself after reading Jake's letter was why it had bothered him that his girlfriend had broken up with him. He told me plainly that his work was his first priority and she likely realized that she was second and decided she wanted something else. Did Jake expect her to be happy with being second in his life and knowing that his work would be his most important priority?
Clearly she was not happy and chose to leave. Putting work first and your relationships second changes the dynamics of your personal relationships. Jake will not attract the same type of woman if his work comes first. Anyone that is content being second (or third or fourth) doesn't want the same level of intimacy.
Ultimately this is something Jake has to work through. What does he want from his life right now? If he wants to concentrate on his work that's fine but he cannot expect to maintain a close, highly intimate relationship when he puts that person second or third or fourth.
Jake's career is only one way that he expresses himself and if he focuses exclusively on only one facet of his life then he will definitely lose his footing. And, as he has experienced, sometimes he will lose important relationships as well.
(If Jake was really putting his work first wouldn't he be relieved to be single? I will discuss this issue and more in my Tuesday article In depth, I hope you will join me then.)
I hope you enjoyed The way is love and feel free to express any insights you have about Jake or any other issues that are on your mind.
Peace and love.
Jake is having trouble balancing his ambition and a relationship. He wrote that his work was his first priority and yet he wondered why his girlfriend had broken up with him. He asked me, don't women want men to be ambitious. Yes, but I think balance is the key.
Being ambitious does not mean putting your career ahead of your personal relationships. It is important to be honest with yourself about what your true priorities are. The question I asked myself after reading Jake's letter was why it had bothered him that his girlfriend had broken up with him. He told me plainly that his work was his first priority and she likely realized that she was second and decided she wanted something else. Did Jake expect her to be happy with being second in his life and knowing that his work would be his most important priority?
Clearly she was not happy and chose to leave. Putting work first and your relationships second changes the dynamics of your personal relationships. Jake will not attract the same type of woman if his work comes first. Anyone that is content being second (or third or fourth) doesn't want the same level of intimacy.
Ultimately this is something Jake has to work through. What does he want from his life right now? If he wants to concentrate on his work that's fine but he cannot expect to maintain a close, highly intimate relationship when he puts that person second or third or fourth.
Jake's career is only one way that he expresses himself and if he focuses exclusively on only one facet of his life then he will definitely lose his footing. And, as he has experienced, sometimes he will lose important relationships as well.
(If Jake was really putting his work first wouldn't he be relieved to be single? I will discuss this issue and more in my Tuesday article In depth, I hope you will join me then.)
I hope you enjoyed The way is love and feel free to express any insights you have about Jake or any other issues that are on your mind.
Peace and love.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Cross-cultural relationships and the root of intolerance
Jason, who is French Canadian, wrote to me about his cross-cultural relationship with his Russian girlfriend, Tanya. Jason is frustrated with his girlfriend's family and how negative they are about their relationship. Tanya's extended family, especially her mother, treats him very poorly simply because he is not Russian. As a result of this bigotry Tanya is thinking of ending her relationship with Jason. Tanya's family wants her to marry a Russian man, not a French Canadian. Jason feels alienated and hurt by her family's reaction and is worried he will lose Tanya because of her family's intolerance.
This is not the first time my readers have written to me about this issue and I think it is an important one to address. Cross-cultural relationships can bring out the worst in family members as I know first hand from my own personal experience. I am English and married a French Canadian here in Montreal. More than once my husband's mother made it clear that she was disappointed he had chosen an English woman. When my husband and I separated his mother didn't hesitate to say it would have likely worked if only I had been French Canadian.
This, of course, simply isn't true.
My marriage didn't work, not because he is French and I am English, but because we grew apart and our personalities became vastly different. That could have happened with anyone from any cultural background.
Some people cannot see cultures, experiences or even situations outside of their own from an open-minded perspective. Some people fear anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or different.
It is important not to fall into the easy trap of blaming something external to yourself for your own fears. Tanya's family is guilty of doing this and my ex mother-in-law is as well. She couldn't speak English very well and never felt very comfortable because of that fact. That likely contributed to her snobby behaviour. Snobs are simply insecure people with their noses in the air.
Anyone who is confident within themselves never has to talk about 'us' versus 'them.' After all, we are all human and that means we all share common concerns no matter what our skin colour or our cultural upbringing may be.
Having relatives that are snobs and bigots isn't much fun, but it is important that we don't let their immature behaviour affect our genuine love for our mates. Tanya needs to realize that she should not allow her extended family to pressure her into a relationship that she has not chosen for herself.
Personally I stay away from, or spend as little time as I can with, relatives that are closed-minded. I don't need nor want that kind of energy in my life and I don't want to spend my valuable time with people who are fearful.
It is important that Tanya makes choices based on her wants and needs because no one else knows her better than herself. If her extended family does not support her love for Jason that is their choice and their loss. By being true to herself (and Jason) Tanya may not have the support of her family, but she will have her self-respect and Jason's love.
In time, Tanya's family may overcome their fear and open their hearts to Jason. If Tanya's family does not overcome their fear at least Tanya won't be perpetuating their bigotry by leaving Jason.
Hopefully Tanya will stand up for her own happiness and have the courage to be true to herself and the man she loves.
This is not the first time my readers have written to me about this issue and I think it is an important one to address. Cross-cultural relationships can bring out the worst in family members as I know first hand from my own personal experience. I am English and married a French Canadian here in Montreal. More than once my husband's mother made it clear that she was disappointed he had chosen an English woman. When my husband and I separated his mother didn't hesitate to say it would have likely worked if only I had been French Canadian.
This, of course, simply isn't true.
My marriage didn't work, not because he is French and I am English, but because we grew apart and our personalities became vastly different. That could have happened with anyone from any cultural background.
Some people cannot see cultures, experiences or even situations outside of their own from an open-minded perspective. Some people fear anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or different.
It is important not to fall into the easy trap of blaming something external to yourself for your own fears. Tanya's family is guilty of doing this and my ex mother-in-law is as well. She couldn't speak English very well and never felt very comfortable because of that fact. That likely contributed to her snobby behaviour. Snobs are simply insecure people with their noses in the air.
Anyone who is confident within themselves never has to talk about 'us' versus 'them.' After all, we are all human and that means we all share common concerns no matter what our skin colour or our cultural upbringing may be.
Having relatives that are snobs and bigots isn't much fun, but it is important that we don't let their immature behaviour affect our genuine love for our mates. Tanya needs to realize that she should not allow her extended family to pressure her into a relationship that she has not chosen for herself.
Personally I stay away from, or spend as little time as I can with, relatives that are closed-minded. I don't need nor want that kind of energy in my life and I don't want to spend my valuable time with people who are fearful.
It is important that Tanya makes choices based on her wants and needs because no one else knows her better than herself. If her extended family does not support her love for Jason that is their choice and their loss. By being true to herself (and Jason) Tanya may not have the support of her family, but she will have her self-respect and Jason's love.
In time, Tanya's family may overcome their fear and open their hearts to Jason. If Tanya's family does not overcome their fear at least Tanya won't be perpetuating their bigotry by leaving Jason.
Hopefully Tanya will stand up for her own happiness and have the courage to be true to herself and the man she loves.
Friday, November 28, 2008
These gut instincts of ours
This week's heart-wisdom quote by Albert Einstein highlights our society's disregard for the mind-body connection. Our intuitive mind, or gut instinct, communicates with us through our bodies, but we have not been taught, even as adults never mind as children, to pay attention to what our bodies know.
As humans evolved and adapted from the beginning of our time on this planet gut instinct has been an essential part of our survival. Not only can we sense danger through our bodies, but also through our senses as well. Likely our gut instinct was just another tool our predecessors used to stay safe and survive. It is not a tool that is rational however and that is likely why it has been discounted over time. As Einstein says we have forgotten the gift.
Our five senses are quantifiable and therefore slip into the rational realm. Intuition is more difficult to measure, but a crucial part of being human nonetheless. Just because our gut instincts are difficult to measure does not mean that they don't exist or aren't important. Judith Orloff discusses how important listening to our bodies is from the point of view of health and wellness. If you work in an environment that is toxic to your body, your health will suffer. Maybe not right away, but over time it likely will. For example, if your work environment makes you tense you may develop an acid stomach and headaches. With prolonged exposure these early signs from your body may turn into an ulcer and migraines. Listening to the early warning signs is part of keeping your body healthy.
Staying in situations or relationships that adversely affect your body is a way of ignoring what your gut instinct, or intuition, is trying to tell you. If you listen to your body, however, you realize that something in your work environment is toxic and find a solution that your body feels good about. For example, you could change departments, position or even find a new job. As long as your body feels good in that new environment you are keeping yourself healthier, not only physically but emotionally.
Christine Northrup discusses our mind-body connection at length in her book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. She has helped countless women learn how to interpret their physical problems and realize where those problems originated. As a culture we have been raised to put aside our personal feelings to fulfill the roles that we have taken on. Whether that role is worker or wife or husband, we are often encouraged to sacrifice our personal feelings to fulfill these roles. We keep that toxic job or stay in that toxic relationship against our bodies better judgment and pay the price with our health.
Listening to our gut instincts is as important to our survival now as it was in the beginning of time. Our lives can be healthier and more fulfilled by listening to our intuitions. Trusting our bodies to guide us through our lives is a healthy choice, physically and emotionally.
I wish you all a wonderful day and hope that you will take the time to pay attention to what your gut instinct already knows.
Thank you for experiencing The way is love today. Feel free to ask questions and make comments about today's blog or any other subject that interests you. I will respond to your comments as soon as I can.
Peace and love.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle
I started reading Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle about one week ago.
Actually it was exactly seven days ago because I'm on page five. Sound strange? I will explain.
Stillness Speaks is not a book in the traditional sense and it is definitely not like The Power of Now nor A New Earth.
Stillness Speaks is a collection of thought-provoking ideas that help us return to ourselves and our inner stillness.
The many phrases and paragrahs in the book have been written to make us peaceful and more ourselves. We are encouraged to not only notice but pay conscious attention to the nature around us. Tolle also encourages us to read the book slowly, carry it around with us, spend more time not reading it than reading it and to read it in bits and pieces not necessarily from cover to cover.
I admit when I started reading it I was a bit disappointed. I was expecting a book I could really sink my teeth into like his other books, but I have come to understand the wisdom behind this book.
As Tolle states, "It is reminding you of who you are and pointing the way back home."
One of the reasons why I have become so interested in writings such as Tolle's is that the world around us can seem so chaotic. I used to be caught up in that chaos at a time when I still believed that drama in life was normal.
I no longer live a life that is chaotic or dramatic and I have Tolle, in part, to thank for that.
Even so it took me a couple days to really read this book less and become peaceful more.
Now I leave the book on the corner of my office desk and I pick it up two or three times throughout the day and read the same entry again and again.
I then allow myself to think about what he has said or become still and focus on a tree and really feel peaceful in my soul.
I highly recommend this book to you whether you have read Tolle's other works or not.
As Tolle says, "It is the stillness that will save and transform the world."
If you have any questions about this book or any of the other books I've mentioned please leave me a comment and I will respond to you as soon as I can.
Thank you very much for reading and experiencing The way is love.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The spiritual community
I have been doing research for my Friday blog and I am overwhelmed by the amount of spiritual information on the web.
I searched the authors and speakers that I know of and have already found a wealth of information on Eckhart Tolle's, Marianne Williamson's, Judith Orloff's, Christiane Northrup's and Oprah's web site.
There are books, podcasts, CDs, lectures, weekend retreats and the list goes on and on.
It's all very exciting!
The book 'A Course in Miracles' is still a strong voice in the spiritual community. But there are also many new voices that reinforce what spiritual leaders (from all over the world) have been communicating since time began.
It is the similarities of idea and voice that astounded me the most. That is not to say that new people don't add to the revelations, because they do, but the essence of all the teachings seem to remain the same across background, country and belief system.
I will continue my research and write a beginning post on Friday--so please stay tuned.
Peace and love.
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