Have you ever felt stuck?
I know I have.
Stuck in a rut, in old patterns, hearing old tapes playing in your head. The tapes in my head are my mother's voice, my aunt's voice, sometimes my father's voice, the voice of an old boss that told me I'd never amount to anything because I didn't have enough guts. You know, those kinds of voices. Haven't we all got some of those tapes playing in our heads? Yes, I believe we all do.
It's human to listen to these people, after all we are impressionable and at different times in our lives different people influence us more or less.
My old boss was chastising me at 19. Instead of choosing to encourage me, he put me down and his words have lingered. Even at the time, I didn't believe him. I knew he was venting on me and that felt very familiar. I'd been vented on most of my childhood. Sometimes I still hear those tapes playing in my head and they feel familiar, but wrong.
The tapes are wrong. Just as my old boss was. I have amounted to something, not nothing. I am who I am today. And that is very significant. And I also have a lot of courage. The courage to stop listening and believing the negative tapes from people who probably didn't mean the harsh and damaging things they said.
There comes a time in all our lives when we know we can choose. For different people it happens at different ages. And whether you are 16, 42 or 70, it doesn't matter. Some event, some discussion, some happening wakes you up and shows you who you truly are. For some people the event is cataclysmic, for others it is subtle. However it happens it's imperative that we listen, that we pay attention and that we choose not to listen to those old tapes in our head anymore.
I suppose some people might call it self-actualization, being true to oneself, listening to your inner voice: It doesn't matter what you call it, it only matters that you do it. I don't want my old boss affecting my life anymore or any of the other voices that I've heard through the years.
If I am not successful in my career, as a mother, as a friend, as a soul mate, it is because of my own choices and not anyone else's words. And certainly not because I listened to the old, negative voices in my head! Some people may try to blame those voices, but that is only fear.
It isn't easy to stop the tapes from playing. They are familiar and the voices are often people we have cared about or care about still. It requires hard work, time, a sincere and genuine effort to know yourself well, but the benefits are so large that they cannot even be expressed in words.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Flies and honey: Trees and forests
There's an old saying, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
If only most people, and our society, understood and acted on the wisdom of this idiom. If they did, imagine how different our everyday lives would be.
For example, imagine if, when we received back our tests at school, that our teachers emphasized how many answers we got correct rather than the ones we didn't:
"Good for you, you got seven right out of ten. Good job! You understand the questions on the most part and have a good grasp of the subject matter."
But instead, what do we usually hear?
"Seven out of ten is not bad, but why did you get those three wrong? I know you can do better. Sit down and correct those questions now so you don't make the same mistakes in the future."
I am not opposed to correcting the three that I got wrong, but when the teacher focuses mostly on those three then I feel as if they haven't even really seen the seven I got right.
And what about the news we read every day in the newspaper and see every night on the TV? We are presented with fake-looking people who smile and announce one disaster after another after another. It never seems to phase them that they are telling us about earthquakes, genocides, missing persons, accidental deaths. I am sure if we calculated the amount of negative information versus the amount of positive information they give us, it would be a ratio of 9:1.
I believe that it is important to stay informed about what is going on in the world and close to home, but I know there are a lot of very positive events happening as well it's just that no one is broadcasting them in the newspaper or on national TV.
Why not?
I think that the majority of people in our society prefer to focus on other people's sorrows and hardships because it makes them feel less upset about their own lives. They talk about Haiti or Israel, bullying or drug trafficking and they feel as if their lives are okay. The fact that their marriage isn't what they would like it to be or that their job isn't challenging enough or that they don't really have any ambitions anymore just doesn't seem as interesting or important as all that's happening outside of themselves.
While it is true that knowing what other people are experiencing can put your own life in perspective, it is also important not to lose site of the forest for the trees. What does that mean?
For example, if your husband is often late, doesn't really listen to you when you talk, spends a lot of time on his own hobbies and doesn't know what your hobbies are, these are what I would call the trees. These trees put together become a forest that means that your husband has lost touch with who you are and has let his relationship with you lapse. You may treat him the same way and that may be why it started in the first place, but a lot of people complain about "the little things" that are simply trees in the forest of their lives.
Society does the same things by focusing on all the events that occur that are upsetting or unhealthy or dramatic and these things keep us from seeing the big picture, whatever that may be for a given situation or topic. The big picture, however, is what it's all about and is what keeps us focused and moving forward in our lives.
The seven right answers are the forest and the three wrong answers are the trees: Focus on the seven and know why the three happened and your life will be on track. That doesn't mean it'll always be positive, you could have gotten seven wrong and three right, but paying attention to the why is what changes our lives and keeps us honest with ourselves, and others.
If only most people, and our society, understood and acted on the wisdom of this idiom. If they did, imagine how different our everyday lives would be.
For example, imagine if, when we received back our tests at school, that our teachers emphasized how many answers we got correct rather than the ones we didn't:
"Good for you, you got seven right out of ten. Good job! You understand the questions on the most part and have a good grasp of the subject matter."
But instead, what do we usually hear?
"Seven out of ten is not bad, but why did you get those three wrong? I know you can do better. Sit down and correct those questions now so you don't make the same mistakes in the future."
I am not opposed to correcting the three that I got wrong, but when the teacher focuses mostly on those three then I feel as if they haven't even really seen the seven I got right.
And what about the news we read every day in the newspaper and see every night on the TV? We are presented with fake-looking people who smile and announce one disaster after another after another. It never seems to phase them that they are telling us about earthquakes, genocides, missing persons, accidental deaths. I am sure if we calculated the amount of negative information versus the amount of positive information they give us, it would be a ratio of 9:1.
I believe that it is important to stay informed about what is going on in the world and close to home, but I know there are a lot of very positive events happening as well it's just that no one is broadcasting them in the newspaper or on national TV.
Why not?
I think that the majority of people in our society prefer to focus on other people's sorrows and hardships because it makes them feel less upset about their own lives. They talk about Haiti or Israel, bullying or drug trafficking and they feel as if their lives are okay. The fact that their marriage isn't what they would like it to be or that their job isn't challenging enough or that they don't really have any ambitions anymore just doesn't seem as interesting or important as all that's happening outside of themselves.
While it is true that knowing what other people are experiencing can put your own life in perspective, it is also important not to lose site of the forest for the trees. What does that mean?
For example, if your husband is often late, doesn't really listen to you when you talk, spends a lot of time on his own hobbies and doesn't know what your hobbies are, these are what I would call the trees. These trees put together become a forest that means that your husband has lost touch with who you are and has let his relationship with you lapse. You may treat him the same way and that may be why it started in the first place, but a lot of people complain about "the little things" that are simply trees in the forest of their lives.
Society does the same things by focusing on all the events that occur that are upsetting or unhealthy or dramatic and these things keep us from seeing the big picture, whatever that may be for a given situation or topic. The big picture, however, is what it's all about and is what keeps us focused and moving forward in our lives.
The seven right answers are the forest and the three wrong answers are the trees: Focus on the seven and know why the three happened and your life will be on track. That doesn't mean it'll always be positive, you could have gotten seven wrong and three right, but paying attention to the why is what changes our lives and keeps us honest with ourselves, and others.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Priorities fall into place
I was at a funeral yesterday.
It was the fifth funeral that I have been to and the third one that was tragic. There is often a very palpable feeling of surrealism at a funeral. The environment is very artificial, and people don't necessarily act like themselves.
In churches, funerals are more hopeful--if it's possible to say that. In funeral homes they are just creepy. Churches are often open and beautiful. There is ritual which I don't always understand, incense sometimes, chanting, but there is a feeling of community and solidity that lessens the tragedy of it all. Funeral homes are plain and boring in their decoration and the air is stale, there is little or no light and its the utilitarian aspect of them that gives me the creeps.
Yesterday it was in a church. Standing and feeling the collective pain and sorrow of the family members and friends all around me I could feel all the deaths that came before. I was transported back to the very first when I was around twelve, the first time I'd ever seen a dead body, and it was my great-grandmother, a woman I'd written letters to since I was five. A woman that played 'Snakes and Ladders' with me, made puzzles with me, walked with me and taught me that life was about hard work and sacrifice and love.
I thought of Paul who couldn't handle the faces in the mirror or the voices in his head, my uncle who left behind three teenagers and my neighbour's father who'd lived a long life.
As I stood there listening to the priest sing and chant, I felt the mother's pain standing in front of me. There are no guarantees in life, but outliving a child is a cruel twist of fate. I couldn't help but put myself in her place, how would I feel if that was my child lying lifeless before me? I think I'd crumble, insane with grief and overwhelming loss. But she stood before us all and cried and moaned and accepted the condolences from all her family and friends. The human spirit is a miraculous thing.
And we went to the meal after and talked quietly with people and then collected our children and came home. But nothing seemed quite as serious as it was before. No, we didn't have any groceries to make dinner but we'd figure something out. Yes, two of our kids are home sick with a cold but they'll just make up the work. And the work at the office that didn't get done just wasn't as important anymore.
And I realized life is all about perspective. Death puts you right back to survival, whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. The deceased's problems, victories, loves, career, friends and life are over, for them. They are at peace. But we are left to pick up the pieces of what the death means to us, whatever that might be.
And that's, I think, what funerals are for. They are reminders that life is here today and sometimes gone tomorrow. That people exist not only in our lives but in our minds and hearts as well. A good thing to remember when the everyday routines of life become overwhelming and weigh upon our shoulders.
An so, today, I am going to hug my son more, take my dog for a walk in the park, cuddle up with my love tonight and remember all the lives lost.
It was the fifth funeral that I have been to and the third one that was tragic. There is often a very palpable feeling of surrealism at a funeral. The environment is very artificial, and people don't necessarily act like themselves.
In churches, funerals are more hopeful--if it's possible to say that. In funeral homes they are just creepy. Churches are often open and beautiful. There is ritual which I don't always understand, incense sometimes, chanting, but there is a feeling of community and solidity that lessens the tragedy of it all. Funeral homes are plain and boring in their decoration and the air is stale, there is little or no light and its the utilitarian aspect of them that gives me the creeps.
Yesterday it was in a church. Standing and feeling the collective pain and sorrow of the family members and friends all around me I could feel all the deaths that came before. I was transported back to the very first when I was around twelve, the first time I'd ever seen a dead body, and it was my great-grandmother, a woman I'd written letters to since I was five. A woman that played 'Snakes and Ladders' with me, made puzzles with me, walked with me and taught me that life was about hard work and sacrifice and love.
I thought of Paul who couldn't handle the faces in the mirror or the voices in his head, my uncle who left behind three teenagers and my neighbour's father who'd lived a long life.
As I stood there listening to the priest sing and chant, I felt the mother's pain standing in front of me. There are no guarantees in life, but outliving a child is a cruel twist of fate. I couldn't help but put myself in her place, how would I feel if that was my child lying lifeless before me? I think I'd crumble, insane with grief and overwhelming loss. But she stood before us all and cried and moaned and accepted the condolences from all her family and friends. The human spirit is a miraculous thing.
And we went to the meal after and talked quietly with people and then collected our children and came home. But nothing seemed quite as serious as it was before. No, we didn't have any groceries to make dinner but we'd figure something out. Yes, two of our kids are home sick with a cold but they'll just make up the work. And the work at the office that didn't get done just wasn't as important anymore.
And I realized life is all about perspective. Death puts you right back to survival, whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. The deceased's problems, victories, loves, career, friends and life are over, for them. They are at peace. But we are left to pick up the pieces of what the death means to us, whatever that might be.
And that's, I think, what funerals are for. They are reminders that life is here today and sometimes gone tomorrow. That people exist not only in our lives but in our minds and hearts as well. A good thing to remember when the everyday routines of life become overwhelming and weigh upon our shoulders.
An so, today, I am going to hug my son more, take my dog for a walk in the park, cuddle up with my love tonight and remember all the lives lost.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Falling into the story
Growing up wasn't easy for Peter. Being the oldest son he was expected to protect his siblings, help around the house and be the man of the house when his father was away, which was most of the time. From a very young age he learned to be impervious to pain, fatigue and fear--or at least that's how he portrayed himself. Weakness was simply not tolerated.
Despite the fact that he was given these great responsibilities, they came at a high price. He was disciplined very harshly for the smallest mistake, such as breaking a dish, and still carries the physical, and of course mental, scars of that kind of discipline.
Peter learned to give people what they wanted at whatever personal cost that exacted from his body, mind and spirit. But what are the residual effects of this kind of harsh, exacting upbringing?
Peter is a very hard-working man almost to a fault. He still sacrifices his own well-being to 'look after things' and 'help others.' He is an honourable man and because of his self-sacrificing nature and training, a lot of people have tried to use him for their own ends.
It is not an easy path to go from the ever-sacrificing son to the balanced man.
Peter has realized that he cannot allow people to use him any longer. Maybe it used to make him feel valuable, useful and even loved, but he has realized that he is not being valued, is being used and is certainly not loved in any healthy way.
Peter has decided to break out of the story. The story of his life that he learned as a child and adolescent. The story that trained him that other people are more important than him. The story that trained him that the only way he'll truly be loved is by putting everyone else first. The false story that he learned over and over again in different ways through his family. The false story that he perpetuated on into his adult life with choices that continued that familiar pattern.
The story is not who he is: The story is what others want him to be.
He is ending the story to become the balanced man he deserves and wants to be.
Bravo, Peter!
Peter will create miraculous things when he listens wholeheartedly to what his soul is telling him about himself. I have no doubt that he will create his own future and because it will be his, it will be exactly what he wants and needs it to be at any given time.
With peace and love,
Jacqueline
Despite the fact that he was given these great responsibilities, they came at a high price. He was disciplined very harshly for the smallest mistake, such as breaking a dish, and still carries the physical, and of course mental, scars of that kind of discipline.
Peter learned to give people what they wanted at whatever personal cost that exacted from his body, mind and spirit. But what are the residual effects of this kind of harsh, exacting upbringing?
Peter is a very hard-working man almost to a fault. He still sacrifices his own well-being to 'look after things' and 'help others.' He is an honourable man and because of his self-sacrificing nature and training, a lot of people have tried to use him for their own ends.
It is not an easy path to go from the ever-sacrificing son to the balanced man.
Peter has realized that he cannot allow people to use him any longer. Maybe it used to make him feel valuable, useful and even loved, but he has realized that he is not being valued, is being used and is certainly not loved in any healthy way.
Peter has decided to break out of the story. The story of his life that he learned as a child and adolescent. The story that trained him that other people are more important than him. The story that trained him that the only way he'll truly be loved is by putting everyone else first. The false story that he learned over and over again in different ways through his family. The false story that he perpetuated on into his adult life with choices that continued that familiar pattern.
The story is not who he is: The story is what others want him to be.
He is ending the story to become the balanced man he deserves and wants to be.
Bravo, Peter!
Peter will create miraculous things when he listens wholeheartedly to what his soul is telling him about himself. I have no doubt that he will create his own future and because it will be his, it will be exactly what he wants and needs it to be at any given time.
With peace and love,
Jacqueline
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Changes in perception
It is incredible how our brains can see things so differently depending on our mood.
I am missing someone. They are away on vacation and I feel as if a piece of me is gone. Rationally, I know their absence is only temporary, but my whole mindset changed nonetheless.
I felt a bit lost, alone, vulnerable and negative. The glass became half empty, which is not like me at all. I realized that only my perception of my life had changed, but that my life really hadn't. Except the fact, of course, that I am away from someone I love deeply.
I think the way that I feel is a part of my psyche, a part of my soul that is difficult to express and understand. It is almost as if I am in suspension, waiting and feeling slightly disconnected from the Now while I wait. I can still function, I work, laugh, love, cry--everything, but I am waiting for their return.
I feel as if my life is not completely in the Now without them.
I think that as human beings we grow very accustomed to the people we love. We weave our lives around them and become involved in their lives as they become involved in our lives. That is why setting one less place at the table or not making them a lunch or not kissing them before bed is so strange and leaves an empty place in my heart.
This is the fifth year that I have felt this way. It is never the same, but it always settles over me until their return.
I am honoured and grateful to love so much and to feel such loss when they are away. Love is many, many things and sometimes it doesn't feel too good. That is life and I will feel whole again upon their return.
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
I am missing someone. They are away on vacation and I feel as if a piece of me is gone. Rationally, I know their absence is only temporary, but my whole mindset changed nonetheless.
I felt a bit lost, alone, vulnerable and negative. The glass became half empty, which is not like me at all. I realized that only my perception of my life had changed, but that my life really hadn't. Except the fact, of course, that I am away from someone I love deeply.
I think the way that I feel is a part of my psyche, a part of my soul that is difficult to express and understand. It is almost as if I am in suspension, waiting and feeling slightly disconnected from the Now while I wait. I can still function, I work, laugh, love, cry--everything, but I am waiting for their return.
I feel as if my life is not completely in the Now without them.
I think that as human beings we grow very accustomed to the people we love. We weave our lives around them and become involved in their lives as they become involved in our lives. That is why setting one less place at the table or not making them a lunch or not kissing them before bed is so strange and leaves an empty place in my heart.
This is the fifth year that I have felt this way. It is never the same, but it always settles over me until their return.
I am honoured and grateful to love so much and to feel such loss when they are away. Love is many, many things and sometimes it doesn't feel too good. That is life and I will feel whole again upon their return.
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Share the holidays
With the holidays rapidly approaching a lot of people come face-to-face with personal realizations.
The holidays are a time to rejoice in family and friends, to enjoy parties and, for some people, to realize loneliness and despair. It is a time when our society focuses on giving gifts and buying things and travelling to see loved ones and being together.
But there are always people that have no one to visit and no one to spend their holidays with. These people feel left out and alone and that's one of the most desperate ways a human can feel.
It's as if we become hyper-sensitive to the fact that not everything is as we would like it to be and we can become convinced that we are the only ones alone and lonely. That simply isn't the case.
If you can this holiday season reach out to someone you know who needs a bit of extra help to make the season bright. Invite them over for dinner or out for a Christmas party or to go sledding with your family. It doesn't have to be much to help them get through the holidays with a smile on their face.
And if you feel alone and lonely remember that the holidays are just another time of year and being alone doesn't mean that you are unworthy or less than anyone else. Sometimes we all spend time alone with ourselves. It is the universe's way of making sure we sit back and take stock of our life, that we talk with ourselves and make some realizations about how we are living our lives.
I wish you all a very happy holiday season and remember: You are never truly alone because you always have yourself.
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
The holidays are a time to rejoice in family and friends, to enjoy parties and, for some people, to realize loneliness and despair. It is a time when our society focuses on giving gifts and buying things and travelling to see loved ones and being together.
But there are always people that have no one to visit and no one to spend their holidays with. These people feel left out and alone and that's one of the most desperate ways a human can feel.
It's as if we become hyper-sensitive to the fact that not everything is as we would like it to be and we can become convinced that we are the only ones alone and lonely. That simply isn't the case.
If you can this holiday season reach out to someone you know who needs a bit of extra help to make the season bright. Invite them over for dinner or out for a Christmas party or to go sledding with your family. It doesn't have to be much to help them get through the holidays with a smile on their face.
And if you feel alone and lonely remember that the holidays are just another time of year and being alone doesn't mean that you are unworthy or less than anyone else. Sometimes we all spend time alone with ourselves. It is the universe's way of making sure we sit back and take stock of our life, that we talk with ourselves and make some realizations about how we are living our lives.
I wish you all a very happy holiday season and remember: You are never truly alone because you always have yourself.
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Being aware means taking responsibility
Part of being aware is realizing and accepting that people react to you based on their own story and not based on who you are as a person.
This is a very liberating and sobering realization.
For example, Joan had a very inconsistent, harsh, judgemental mother. Why did her mother behave the way she did? Was it because Joan deserved it because she was a bad child? No. Joan's mother behaved the way she did because of her story: Her behaviour had nothing to do with Joan.
What if Joan's mother had been loving, affectionate and fun. Would her behaviour have been because Joan was a good child? No. Joan's mother would have been, once again, behaving the way she did because of her own story.
Realizing that people react to you because of their own reasons can be very freeing, especially if you had a mother like Joan did. Joan grew up believing that if only she could be a better athlete, or a better student or a better piano player that then her mother would love her more and treat her better. But, as Joan grew up she realized, her mother's harsh ways didn't change even if Joan won the competition or got straight A's in school.
The sobering aspect to this realization is that people don't treat you well because you are a good person and deserve it either. I think a lot of people cling to this idea as a way of validating themselves as individuals.
It is very important to not measure yourself through exterior means, such as "I must be a good husband because my wife looks after me so well," or "I must be worthless because my mother yells at me and tells me I'm useless."
It is crucial, as individuals, that we take responsibility for who we are and behave according to our values and beliefs about ourselves. I treat other people, whether I know them or not, with respect because I respect myself.
I am able to be kind, friendly and generous with people because that is how I choose to be and who I want to be. I don't change my behaviour based on other people.
I am more friendly and loving with my son than I would be with my neighbour, but the respect and genuine kindness remains through both interactions. It is unfortunate that our world is having a lot of trouble grasping this concept of self-responsibility.
It is easier to blame other people, to be unfriendly, to be rude and to think only of yourself but it is also a sign that you don't really value yourself and that is why you feel justified in treating other people that way as well. If we lived in a bubble and our behaviour didn't affect anyone else then it might not matter, except to ourselves of course. But we don't live in bubbles and Joan was very keenly and negatively affected by her mother's harsh behaviour. Joan's mother chose to treat Joan the way she did and as a consequence doesn't have a relationship with her only daughter.
We all make choices in our life and see things based on our own stories, but we can all actively choose how we behave and how we treat ourselves and other people.
"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven." John Milton
This is a very liberating and sobering realization.
For example, Joan had a very inconsistent, harsh, judgemental mother. Why did her mother behave the way she did? Was it because Joan deserved it because she was a bad child? No. Joan's mother behaved the way she did because of her story: Her behaviour had nothing to do with Joan.
What if Joan's mother had been loving, affectionate and fun. Would her behaviour have been because Joan was a good child? No. Joan's mother would have been, once again, behaving the way she did because of her own story.
Realizing that people react to you because of their own reasons can be very freeing, especially if you had a mother like Joan did. Joan grew up believing that if only she could be a better athlete, or a better student or a better piano player that then her mother would love her more and treat her better. But, as Joan grew up she realized, her mother's harsh ways didn't change even if Joan won the competition or got straight A's in school.
The sobering aspect to this realization is that people don't treat you well because you are a good person and deserve it either. I think a lot of people cling to this idea as a way of validating themselves as individuals.
It is very important to not measure yourself through exterior means, such as "I must be a good husband because my wife looks after me so well," or "I must be worthless because my mother yells at me and tells me I'm useless."
It is crucial, as individuals, that we take responsibility for who we are and behave according to our values and beliefs about ourselves. I treat other people, whether I know them or not, with respect because I respect myself.
I am able to be kind, friendly and generous with people because that is how I choose to be and who I want to be. I don't change my behaviour based on other people.
I am more friendly and loving with my son than I would be with my neighbour, but the respect and genuine kindness remains through both interactions. It is unfortunate that our world is having a lot of trouble grasping this concept of self-responsibility.
It is easier to blame other people, to be unfriendly, to be rude and to think only of yourself but it is also a sign that you don't really value yourself and that is why you feel justified in treating other people that way as well. If we lived in a bubble and our behaviour didn't affect anyone else then it might not matter, except to ourselves of course. But we don't live in bubbles and Joan was very keenly and negatively affected by her mother's harsh behaviour. Joan's mother chose to treat Joan the way she did and as a consequence doesn't have a relationship with her only daughter.
We all make choices in our life and see things based on our own stories, but we can all actively choose how we behave and how we treat ourselves and other people.
"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven." John Milton
Monday, November 23, 2009
Michael's infatuated, and not with his wife!
Michael wrote to me about his infatuation with a co-worker. Michael is the first to admit that he is happily married, but says he is bored. That his life is too routine.
Michael and his wife have two kids and they do the traditional family things with the kids, but they only have fun with the kids. Michael and his wife don't go out alone together and have fallen into a rut.
Michael's co-worker is single and she goes out a lot and talks about her evenings out. She also travels a lot for work and it sounds exciting when she talks about the places she visits and the people she meets.
Michael isn't thinking about being unfaithful, but he is feeling as if he's missing out on life. He is concerned that his life is passing him by while other people are out exploring, having fun and having lots of adventures.
I understand why Michael is feeling as if life is passing him by. It is not uncommon that when people have young children they feel as if their life is very, very routine and lackluster. His wife may feel the same way as well.
It is important that couples work at maintaining a close relationship because when the kids get older they need their parents a lot less. This will leave Michael and his wife alone together a lot more. If they don't work at maintaining a relationship now, what will they have to say to each other in the future? According to my readers, not much!
Michael's infatuation with his co-worker is a sign that he is focusing on external things rather than what he needs to work on within himself. The answer is not outside himself, but within. Once he realizes that then he can talk with his wife about his feelings and she can talk with him about hers as well.
Michael and his wife can come up with some ideas about how to make time for each other that is fun and regular. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for couples with children to have a 'date night.'
A 'date night' is a night once a week where couples spend time alone together and go on a date. I have spoken with many people about this concept and I have also heard a lot of excuses as to why they can't go on a regular date night.
These same couples can go to their yoga classes every week, their hockey games, their after-work meetings and their kids' soccer and ballet, but they can't set aside even two or three hours for each other. That is their choice, but how are they going to maintain a healthy relationship with their life partner if they don't give them any of their regular time and attention?
The true answer is they won't.
A lot of people take their life partners for granted. Michael's fairly innocent infatuation is only the tip of the iceberg. That is only the beginning of Michael losing focus. Over time his innocent infatuation may turn into a serious infidelity and he may lose the marriage and family life he now finds boring, which is a code word for takes for granted.
It is easier to 'believe' that things outside of yourself will make you happy than finding happiness within yourself and taking responsibility for your own life.
Michael hasn't discussed his feelings with his wife, nor suggested they spend more time together, or do something different and fun, or anything at all. He simply chose the easiest option and focused on a co-worker.
Relationships of any kind take time and effort and thought, and a relationship with a life partner also takes a lot of love. You don't just marry someone and then take for granted that they'll be there for you no matter what. Michael needs to stop paying attention to his co-worker and start paying attention to his wife and their relationship. If he chooses not to he will be denying himself, his wife and their children a fulfilling life together.
Michael and his wife have two kids and they do the traditional family things with the kids, but they only have fun with the kids. Michael and his wife don't go out alone together and have fallen into a rut.
Michael's co-worker is single and she goes out a lot and talks about her evenings out. She also travels a lot for work and it sounds exciting when she talks about the places she visits and the people she meets.
Michael isn't thinking about being unfaithful, but he is feeling as if he's missing out on life. He is concerned that his life is passing him by while other people are out exploring, having fun and having lots of adventures.
I understand why Michael is feeling as if life is passing him by. It is not uncommon that when people have young children they feel as if their life is very, very routine and lackluster. His wife may feel the same way as well.
It is important that couples work at maintaining a close relationship because when the kids get older they need their parents a lot less. This will leave Michael and his wife alone together a lot more. If they don't work at maintaining a relationship now, what will they have to say to each other in the future? According to my readers, not much!
Michael's infatuation with his co-worker is a sign that he is focusing on external things rather than what he needs to work on within himself. The answer is not outside himself, but within. Once he realizes that then he can talk with his wife about his feelings and she can talk with him about hers as well.
Michael and his wife can come up with some ideas about how to make time for each other that is fun and regular. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for couples with children to have a 'date night.'
A 'date night' is a night once a week where couples spend time alone together and go on a date. I have spoken with many people about this concept and I have also heard a lot of excuses as to why they can't go on a regular date night.
These same couples can go to their yoga classes every week, their hockey games, their after-work meetings and their kids' soccer and ballet, but they can't set aside even two or three hours for each other. That is their choice, but how are they going to maintain a healthy relationship with their life partner if they don't give them any of their regular time and attention?
The true answer is they won't.
A lot of people take their life partners for granted. Michael's fairly innocent infatuation is only the tip of the iceberg. That is only the beginning of Michael losing focus. Over time his innocent infatuation may turn into a serious infidelity and he may lose the marriage and family life he now finds boring, which is a code word for takes for granted.
It is easier to 'believe' that things outside of yourself will make you happy than finding happiness within yourself and taking responsibility for your own life.
Michael hasn't discussed his feelings with his wife, nor suggested they spend more time together, or do something different and fun, or anything at all. He simply chose the easiest option and focused on a co-worker.
Relationships of any kind take time and effort and thought, and a relationship with a life partner also takes a lot of love. You don't just marry someone and then take for granted that they'll be there for you no matter what. Michael needs to stop paying attention to his co-worker and start paying attention to his wife and their relationship. If he chooses not to he will be denying himself, his wife and their children a fulfilling life together.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sherry was at the right place, at the right time
Sherry wrote to me about an exceptional experience she had. One day, in early fall, she was walking on a bike path enjoying the sounds of the birds and watching the leaves falling around her when she heard the sound of metal on metal.
As Sherry ran ahead, in the direction of the sound, she saw pieces of debris, bike parts and personal belongings spread out over the ground in front of her. Two bodies were lying in separate directions on the path.
The first cyclist wasn't moving, he was lying flat on his back as if he'd done a somersault through the air over his handlebars. The second cyclist was breathing heavily and erratically while blood gushed out of his side. He'd been thrown into the brush and was impaled by a branch.
Two other walkers appeared that had seen the collision and one had a cell phone and was calling 911. Sherry stayed by the bleeding man trying to comfort him as they waited.
Because of their remote location on the trail it took the ambulance over 30 minutes to find them. The first man had started regaining consciousness and was able to give his name and ask what happened. The second man was dying.
Sherry staying with the dying man, holding his hand and singing to him--trying to sooth him as much as possible. The only words he said were I love you.
Sherry stayed with the man until the paramedics arrived even though she knew the man was already dead. The paramedics had to remove her hand's physically from the dead man's and she was taken to hospital in extreme shock.
Once Sherry was well enough to leave the hospital and go home she felt as if nothing made sense anymore. She'd been faced with a senseless death and couldn't understand why. Sherry found out where his family lived and went to see them. She wanted them to know that he hadn't died alone. Sherry felt somewhat better after reassuring his family but she still asked herself 'What am I supposed to learn from this? Why was I there?'
One day, when she was out watching skaters in the park, not really thinking about anything at all she realized why she'd been there, on that path, that day.
Some of the skaters were laughing and playing, chasing each other and they'd fall down and get back up and do it again. They were joyous and carefree and alive. The fun that these skaters were having was something Sherry had never really experienced in her life. She'd always avoided it, not ever feeling comfortable with it within herself.
Sherry realized she'd been missing something very vital, and the essence of life--living. She walked over to the kiosk, rented some skates and played for the first time. She fell, she got covered in snow, she laughed and she had fun playing with a family on the rink.
The lesson that Sherry learned that day, holding that man's hand, was to live. His death was not senseless or in vain. That man's death taught Sherry how to live, how to come alive, and that is what she needed.
I give my condolences to the cyclist's family and I send my love and admiration to Sherry. It took great courage to stay with that man and comfort him and help him die in peace.
Until next time,
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
As Sherry ran ahead, in the direction of the sound, she saw pieces of debris, bike parts and personal belongings spread out over the ground in front of her. Two bodies were lying in separate directions on the path.
The first cyclist wasn't moving, he was lying flat on his back as if he'd done a somersault through the air over his handlebars. The second cyclist was breathing heavily and erratically while blood gushed out of his side. He'd been thrown into the brush and was impaled by a branch.
Two other walkers appeared that had seen the collision and one had a cell phone and was calling 911. Sherry stayed by the bleeding man trying to comfort him as they waited.
Because of their remote location on the trail it took the ambulance over 30 minutes to find them. The first man had started regaining consciousness and was able to give his name and ask what happened. The second man was dying.
Sherry staying with the dying man, holding his hand and singing to him--trying to sooth him as much as possible. The only words he said were I love you.
Sherry stayed with the man until the paramedics arrived even though she knew the man was already dead. The paramedics had to remove her hand's physically from the dead man's and she was taken to hospital in extreme shock.
Once Sherry was well enough to leave the hospital and go home she felt as if nothing made sense anymore. She'd been faced with a senseless death and couldn't understand why. Sherry found out where his family lived and went to see them. She wanted them to know that he hadn't died alone. Sherry felt somewhat better after reassuring his family but she still asked herself 'What am I supposed to learn from this? Why was I there?'
One day, when she was out watching skaters in the park, not really thinking about anything at all she realized why she'd been there, on that path, that day.
Some of the skaters were laughing and playing, chasing each other and they'd fall down and get back up and do it again. They were joyous and carefree and alive. The fun that these skaters were having was something Sherry had never really experienced in her life. She'd always avoided it, not ever feeling comfortable with it within herself.
Sherry realized she'd been missing something very vital, and the essence of life--living. She walked over to the kiosk, rented some skates and played for the first time. She fell, she got covered in snow, she laughed and she had fun playing with a family on the rink.
The lesson that Sherry learned that day, holding that man's hand, was to live. His death was not senseless or in vain. That man's death taught Sherry how to live, how to come alive, and that is what she needed.
I give my condolences to the cyclist's family and I send my love and admiration to Sherry. It took great courage to stay with that man and comfort him and help him die in peace.
Until next time,
Peace and love to you all,
Jacqueline
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Andrew is eating too much
After moving to California on business, Andrew feels lost and very alone. He wrote to me about never anticipating the reaction he's had and that he feels lonely and isolated a lot of the time.
Andrew realizes that he misses his home town and his friends and familiar landmarks and faces. The culture is also different in California and he is having trouble getting used to the constant car travel. Andrew says that he's gained some weight and thinks he's been eating more because he's lonely and feeling stressed.
He's wondering what he should do.
He was very enthusiastic about moving initially and makes efforts to socialize and find new friends. He said he forgot how hard it is and how long it takes to become good friends with someone. Andrew realizes that he'd been taking his social life for granted back in his home town. In his home town he knew so many people after going to school there and working there too that he didn't realize how moving would take all that away.
He says he's homesick and flies back as often as he can, but that's getting expensive and makes returning to California all the more lonely.
Andrew is wondering whether he should stay in California or move back to his home town.
I think that Andrew probably already knows the answer inside himself, but he's not yet ready to act on it. The most important thing that Andrew should realize from his move is what his priorities are in his life.
When he moved to California he may have believed that his work was the most important thing in his life and if that were true he would probably be handling the move differently. If work had really been his top priority he would have handled the social isolation realizing that it was all part of moving somewhere new.
Andrew, however, isn't finding it any easier living there as time goes by, in fact it is getting harder and he is turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with his loneliness and feelings of isolation: He's eating too much.
Starting to rely on dysfunctional coping mechanisms is Andrew's clue that he's out of balance inside himself. He knows he has to make a decision and a good way for him to feel comfortable acting on that decision is for him to review his priorities.
I would say, from reading his letter, that his friends, social life and his home town are higher priorities to him than his work. That's not to say that his work isn't important to him, but emotionally he feels more fulfilled and whole as a person when he is with his friends and in his home town.
That is very understandable and it is important that he honours who he is by acknowledging his true feelings. The idea of moving to California and starting a new job may have been exciting at first, but Andrew is obviously not comfortable with the move from a personal, social standpoint.
He likes to be where his friends are and where his life is social and familiar and established. I hope Andrew is able to decide what his true priorities are and act on them. His life is his own and he should honour what his inner voice is telling him.
Peace and love to you all,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
Andrew realizes that he misses his home town and his friends and familiar landmarks and faces. The culture is also different in California and he is having trouble getting used to the constant car travel. Andrew says that he's gained some weight and thinks he's been eating more because he's lonely and feeling stressed.
He's wondering what he should do.
He was very enthusiastic about moving initially and makes efforts to socialize and find new friends. He said he forgot how hard it is and how long it takes to become good friends with someone. Andrew realizes that he'd been taking his social life for granted back in his home town. In his home town he knew so many people after going to school there and working there too that he didn't realize how moving would take all that away.
He says he's homesick and flies back as often as he can, but that's getting expensive and makes returning to California all the more lonely.
Andrew is wondering whether he should stay in California or move back to his home town.
I think that Andrew probably already knows the answer inside himself, but he's not yet ready to act on it. The most important thing that Andrew should realize from his move is what his priorities are in his life.
When he moved to California he may have believed that his work was the most important thing in his life and if that were true he would probably be handling the move differently. If work had really been his top priority he would have handled the social isolation realizing that it was all part of moving somewhere new.
Andrew, however, isn't finding it any easier living there as time goes by, in fact it is getting harder and he is turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with his loneliness and feelings of isolation: He's eating too much.
Starting to rely on dysfunctional coping mechanisms is Andrew's clue that he's out of balance inside himself. He knows he has to make a decision and a good way for him to feel comfortable acting on that decision is for him to review his priorities.
I would say, from reading his letter, that his friends, social life and his home town are higher priorities to him than his work. That's not to say that his work isn't important to him, but emotionally he feels more fulfilled and whole as a person when he is with his friends and in his home town.
That is very understandable and it is important that he honours who he is by acknowledging his true feelings. The idea of moving to California and starting a new job may have been exciting at first, but Andrew is obviously not comfortable with the move from a personal, social standpoint.
He likes to be where his friends are and where his life is social and familiar and established. I hope Andrew is able to decide what his true priorities are and act on them. His life is his own and he should honour what his inner voice is telling him.
Peace and love to you all,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
Monday, October 26, 2009
We all have a responsibility to ourselves
Knowing who we are and what makes us do the things we do, gives us enormous insight into our lives.
As we have seen with Joyce, behaviour is everything. Our words are empty if our behaviour doesn't follow them.
This is not only true for how our behaviour affects our spouses, friends, family members and children, but most of all how it affects ourselves.
As we grow up, we are not encouraged to learn about who we are as individuals. We are taught to conform, fit it, not stand out, be who our parents, friends and family members want us to be. Some people feel very comfortable being who other people want them or expect them to be, at least when they are younger.
And what about those kids that just don't fit in or conform for one reason or another. Maybe they look different than other people or act different, maybe their parents don't accept them because they find them strange or disappointing somehow. How do those kids feel in a society that honours conformity above all else?
When we grow up, are no longer living with our parents and have to look after ourselves, we have to make our own decisions, choose our friends, jobs and loved ones based on our own feelings, needs and wants. But how do we do that if we don't know who we are as individuals?
That is often our biggest challenge when we start our own adult lives. We are filled with a sense of dread and confusion as to what our life path should be. We know we can conform and do whatever is expected of us, but what if that doesn't feel right? What if inside we feel a sense of stress and loss when we conform to other people's ideas of us?
And what if we choose not to conform and instead be whoever we truly are as individuals? What if, when we do that, we are shunned and ostracized by our family members and friends?
Becoming ourselves and being who we truly are can be the biggest challenge in our lives.
I grew up not being accepted by either of my extended families. One side highlighted how different I looked from everyone else in the family; their subtle way of saying I didn't fit in. The other side of the family pretty much ignored me.
I learned from a very young age that I didn't fit in. I still don't, I am just too different in so many ways. I accept that, now. It wasn't always easy but I don't consider being myself, and being labelled different, a negative thing.
I am myself and I have learned that people who don't accept me for who I am are uncomfortable with themselves.
Trying to fit in and be someone other than who you truly are is damaging to your self and to your soul. How can you fulfill what you were meant to do in your lifetime if you are constantly living a life other people have set out for you? No one can know you as well as you know yourself.
As Joyce has found out, she must decide on her own priorities and live her life according to them. She must know herself, to be herself and not only her children benefit from her knowing, she benefits as well. She will work hard to live her life according to her own values and she will never regret because she's consciously deciding who she wants to be.
We all have a responsibility to know ourselves. No one else can know you better than you know yourself, some people may say they can and do, but those are only words.
It is a lifelong journey learning about ourselves, staying true to ourselves and living according to our inner selves. I hope you all feel as much satisfaction from doing it as Joyce and I do.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Until next time,
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
As we have seen with Joyce, behaviour is everything. Our words are empty if our behaviour doesn't follow them.
This is not only true for how our behaviour affects our spouses, friends, family members and children, but most of all how it affects ourselves.
As we grow up, we are not encouraged to learn about who we are as individuals. We are taught to conform, fit it, not stand out, be who our parents, friends and family members want us to be. Some people feel very comfortable being who other people want them or expect them to be, at least when they are younger.
And what about those kids that just don't fit in or conform for one reason or another. Maybe they look different than other people or act different, maybe their parents don't accept them because they find them strange or disappointing somehow. How do those kids feel in a society that honours conformity above all else?
When we grow up, are no longer living with our parents and have to look after ourselves, we have to make our own decisions, choose our friends, jobs and loved ones based on our own feelings, needs and wants. But how do we do that if we don't know who we are as individuals?
That is often our biggest challenge when we start our own adult lives. We are filled with a sense of dread and confusion as to what our life path should be. We know we can conform and do whatever is expected of us, but what if that doesn't feel right? What if inside we feel a sense of stress and loss when we conform to other people's ideas of us?
And what if we choose not to conform and instead be whoever we truly are as individuals? What if, when we do that, we are shunned and ostracized by our family members and friends?
Becoming ourselves and being who we truly are can be the biggest challenge in our lives.
I grew up not being accepted by either of my extended families. One side highlighted how different I looked from everyone else in the family; their subtle way of saying I didn't fit in. The other side of the family pretty much ignored me.
I learned from a very young age that I didn't fit in. I still don't, I am just too different in so many ways. I accept that, now. It wasn't always easy but I don't consider being myself, and being labelled different, a negative thing.
I am myself and I have learned that people who don't accept me for who I am are uncomfortable with themselves.
Trying to fit in and be someone other than who you truly are is damaging to your self and to your soul. How can you fulfill what you were meant to do in your lifetime if you are constantly living a life other people have set out for you? No one can know you as well as you know yourself.
As Joyce has found out, she must decide on her own priorities and live her life according to them. She must know herself, to be herself and not only her children benefit from her knowing, she benefits as well. She will work hard to live her life according to her own values and she will never regret because she's consciously deciding who she wants to be.
We all have a responsibility to know ourselves. No one else can know you better than you know yourself, some people may say they can and do, but those are only words.
It is a lifelong journey learning about ourselves, staying true to ourselves and living according to our inner selves. I hope you all feel as much satisfaction from doing it as Joyce and I do.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Until next time,
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Little changes and little choices are revolutionary
How is Joyce coping with not avoiding her children anymore?
Joyce wrote me this weekend and said that it has been hard. She has to stop herself from slipping back into her avoidance behaviours. She signed up for three after-work meetings last week and she said she did it automatically.
When Joyce then looked at her schedule she realized that meant she wouldn't be home one evening before supper and three evenings not until after her children went to bed. She ended up only going to one meeting and made the effort to leave the office at 5pm every other evening so that she ate dinner with her children every night last week, but that one.
She said it made her feel guilty to leave work at 5pm. The first couple of days were very hard and she really had to force herself to do it. It caused her some anxiety and she felt as if she were leaving her co-workers in the lurch, that was until she really took a good look around on the third evening and realized pretty much everyone else was leaving at 5pm too.
Then she started to re-evaluate how she was feeling versus what was really happening around her. She realized that no one at work expected her to stay late. That she had been projecting that people around her expected her to stay late because that helped to reinforce her avoidance behaviour. It helped Joyce feel justified in staying late every night, but it wasn't the reality of the situation.
Joyce has also already seen big changes in her children at home. At first they thought it was really strange that she said she was going to be home for dinner and they were cautious about believing her, especially her 6 year old. The younger child took it at face value, if Joyce was there Joyce was there, but the 6 year old was surprised that she really came home when she said she would.
The kids were clingy at first and followed her everywhere, but after the second week they wandered a bit farther away from her. Her 6 year old said to her, while she was giving them a bath one night, "I like when you work, but I like it more when you're home." Joyce said, for the first time in over a year, she could honestly respond back to her son, "Me too, Honey, me too."
It's not easy to control your dysfunctional coping mechanisms, Joyce's struggle is a good example. It can even feel as if your coping mechanisms have a will of their own and that giving in to them is easier than fighting them. In the short term it may feel easier, but in the long term giving in to your dysfunctional coping mechanisms will only pull you farther and farther away from yourself.
Joyce is fighting her avoidance behaviour and her will power is benefiting her, her children and giving her a clearer perspective on what she wants her life to be everyday. Joyce wants to be a good worker, but, above all, she wants to be there physically and emotionally for her children and she definitely wasn't before.
As she continues to fight her avoidance behaviours and replaces dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones, the avoidance behaviours will lose their strength and fall away. Joyce will need to be vigilant that she doesn't start up new avoidance behaviours clouded in something else, but if she spends time with herself, gets to know herself and what she wants for herself and her children everyday, she will be able to stay on track.
It's important to always remember that little changes and little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life, and the lives of your loved ones.
I wish you all peace and love,
Jacqueline
Joyce wrote me this weekend and said that it has been hard. She has to stop herself from slipping back into her avoidance behaviours. She signed up for three after-work meetings last week and she said she did it automatically.
When Joyce then looked at her schedule she realized that meant she wouldn't be home one evening before supper and three evenings not until after her children went to bed. She ended up only going to one meeting and made the effort to leave the office at 5pm every other evening so that she ate dinner with her children every night last week, but that one.
She said it made her feel guilty to leave work at 5pm. The first couple of days were very hard and she really had to force herself to do it. It caused her some anxiety and she felt as if she were leaving her co-workers in the lurch, that was until she really took a good look around on the third evening and realized pretty much everyone else was leaving at 5pm too.
Then she started to re-evaluate how she was feeling versus what was really happening around her. She realized that no one at work expected her to stay late. That she had been projecting that people around her expected her to stay late because that helped to reinforce her avoidance behaviour. It helped Joyce feel justified in staying late every night, but it wasn't the reality of the situation.
Joyce has also already seen big changes in her children at home. At first they thought it was really strange that she said she was going to be home for dinner and they were cautious about believing her, especially her 6 year old. The younger child took it at face value, if Joyce was there Joyce was there, but the 6 year old was surprised that she really came home when she said she would.
The kids were clingy at first and followed her everywhere, but after the second week they wandered a bit farther away from her. Her 6 year old said to her, while she was giving them a bath one night, "I like when you work, but I like it more when you're home." Joyce said, for the first time in over a year, she could honestly respond back to her son, "Me too, Honey, me too."
It's not easy to control your dysfunctional coping mechanisms, Joyce's struggle is a good example. It can even feel as if your coping mechanisms have a will of their own and that giving in to them is easier than fighting them. In the short term it may feel easier, but in the long term giving in to your dysfunctional coping mechanisms will only pull you farther and farther away from yourself.
Joyce is fighting her avoidance behaviour and her will power is benefiting her, her children and giving her a clearer perspective on what she wants her life to be everyday. Joyce wants to be a good worker, but, above all, she wants to be there physically and emotionally for her children and she definitely wasn't before.
As she continues to fight her avoidance behaviours and replaces dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones, the avoidance behaviours will lose their strength and fall away. Joyce will need to be vigilant that she doesn't start up new avoidance behaviours clouded in something else, but if she spends time with herself, gets to know herself and what she wants for herself and her children everyday, she will be able to stay on track.
It's important to always remember that little changes and little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life, and the lives of your loved ones.
I wish you all peace and love,
Jacqueline
Friday, October 9, 2009
Avoiding yourself hurts not only you but your loved ones too
Joyce was avoiding her children because they reminded her of her absent husband and her immense responsibilities as a single mom.
It is very common that people will do certain things to help alleviate their stress--whatever that stress may be. Everyone has their own form of coping mechanism or mechanisms.
Not all coping mechanisms are healthy and functional, however. We saw with Joyce that she was actually punishing her children with her avoidance behaviour. She wasn't doing it consciously, but that didn't make it any less damaging to her children or to her relationship with her children.
I can think of many examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as
These coping mechanisms can all be used as a way of disconnecting from your problems. Most people use coping mechanisms when they are under stress and they can seem to relieve stress initially. The problem with coping mechanisms is that when you use them regularly and they become a habit you are avoiding facing yourself.
Most people don't realize, much like Joyce didn't, how potentially damaging not facing your pain and fears can be. You not only lose touch with yourself when you avoid feeling your feelings, but you can hurt other people around you and actually prolong your pain, and theirs.
What if Joyce had not realized that she was avoiding her children, for example, and had continued to do so for another 10 years?
How would her relationship with her children have deteriorated in 10 more years when her 16 year old never saw her and knew she was never home? Her 16 year old might start acting out by getting into drugs, alcohol or other damaging behaviours to try to get her attention.
Joyce's reaction might have been to blame the 16 year old for being a bad seed. As a result, their relationship would become even worse and her teen could spiral out of control.
If Joyce never saw the connection between avoiding her children and her teen's destructive behaviour their relationship would be one of conflict, and her teenager would develop their own dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of being neglected by not only their father, but their mother as well.
That is just one example of how avoiding yourself affects not only your life, but the lives of people close to you as well.
Facing your fears and stresses isn't easy. It's hard for Joyce to admit to herself that her husband left, that he was not a good man and that he has left her alone emotionally and physically with two young children. That's not an easy load to handle even at the best of times.
However, not letting yourself mourn your lost husband, not taking a hard look at how you may have contributed to his leaving and not looking in detail at the type of man he was will ultimately cause more problems in the long run.
Patterns repeat when we don't know ourselves well, when we are afraid to take a good, hard and honest look at ourselves and when we escape by slipping into coping mechanisms that take us still farther and farther away from ourselves.
Making a commitment to yourself and the people you love to know yourself and honour yourself is a very important step in becoming aware and present for everyone in your life. We all have the strength within ourselves to know who we truly are and to reject the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that seem to alleviate our angst.
I wish you all peace and love,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
It is very common that people will do certain things to help alleviate their stress--whatever that stress may be. Everyone has their own form of coping mechanism or mechanisms.
Not all coping mechanisms are healthy and functional, however. We saw with Joyce that she was actually punishing her children with her avoidance behaviour. She wasn't doing it consciously, but that didn't make it any less damaging to her children or to her relationship with her children.
I can think of many examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as
- drinking to numb yourself or get drunk
- smoking cigarettes regularly
- taking drugs
- taking sleeping pills
- over-working
- excessive exercising
- eating too little
- eating too much
- sleeping too much
- avoiding your children
- avoiding your spouse
- thinking you're often sick
These coping mechanisms can all be used as a way of disconnecting from your problems. Most people use coping mechanisms when they are under stress and they can seem to relieve stress initially. The problem with coping mechanisms is that when you use them regularly and they become a habit you are avoiding facing yourself.
Most people don't realize, much like Joyce didn't, how potentially damaging not facing your pain and fears can be. You not only lose touch with yourself when you avoid feeling your feelings, but you can hurt other people around you and actually prolong your pain, and theirs.
What if Joyce had not realized that she was avoiding her children, for example, and had continued to do so for another 10 years?
How would her relationship with her children have deteriorated in 10 more years when her 16 year old never saw her and knew she was never home? Her 16 year old might start acting out by getting into drugs, alcohol or other damaging behaviours to try to get her attention.
Joyce's reaction might have been to blame the 16 year old for being a bad seed. As a result, their relationship would become even worse and her teen could spiral out of control.
If Joyce never saw the connection between avoiding her children and her teen's destructive behaviour their relationship would be one of conflict, and her teenager would develop their own dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of being neglected by not only their father, but their mother as well.
That is just one example of how avoiding yourself affects not only your life, but the lives of people close to you as well.
Facing your fears and stresses isn't easy. It's hard for Joyce to admit to herself that her husband left, that he was not a good man and that he has left her alone emotionally and physically with two young children. That's not an easy load to handle even at the best of times.
However, not letting yourself mourn your lost husband, not taking a hard look at how you may have contributed to his leaving and not looking in detail at the type of man he was will ultimately cause more problems in the long run.
Patterns repeat when we don't know ourselves well, when we are afraid to take a good, hard and honest look at ourselves and when we escape by slipping into coping mechanisms that take us still farther and farther away from ourselves.
Making a commitment to yourself and the people you love to know yourself and honour yourself is a very important step in becoming aware and present for everyone in your life. We all have the strength within ourselves to know who we truly are and to reject the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that seem to alleviate our angst.
I wish you all peace and love,
Until next time,
Jacqueline
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Practice your knowing by being
After doing the first two exercises and getting to know yourself better you need to give yourself the time to match who you are with your behavior.
I realize that it may take you some time to align your true priorities with your behaviour, and that's perfectly normal. It requires practice.
Despite what our society may try and convince us of: Life is not a race.
Changes do not happen overnight. Changes happen little by little over time with a lot of effort and time and thought. It can appear that changes happen all of a sudden when we do not remain aware of our everyday thoughts and actions, but every big change is the outcome of many small changes and choices.
And it requires practice to know your self. Old patterns are often comfortable and reassuring because they feel familiar, but that does not mean they are good for you. It may feel familiar, for example, for you to schedule up your time so much that you can hardly sit down or even breathe, but that is not a healthy way to live. It's not healthy for you to have no time to relax, spend time with your children or spouse, be peaceful or have fun.
It's important to take time with yourself because through doing so you will be able to stop the old patterns before they creep back into your life.
Old patterns come from our childhood, our formative relationships, our family history--whatever that history was. But the patterns do not define who you are, nor do they make choices for you about how you are going to live your life right now.
If you are aware of who you are and what your priorities are right now then you can make choices based on those priorities. If you take the time necessary to listen to your self and know who you really are then when you fall back into old patterns they will stand out. You will see yourself becoming consumed with work or too busy to spend time with your children and you will realize that that's not who you are or who you want to be.
Learning about yourself and truly knowing yourself is a process. It's a process that we are all capable of and that keeps us on the path we need to follow to honour who we are as individuals.
I wish you all luck with your process.
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
I realize that it may take you some time to align your true priorities with your behaviour, and that's perfectly normal. It requires practice.
Despite what our society may try and convince us of: Life is not a race.
Changes do not happen overnight. Changes happen little by little over time with a lot of effort and time and thought. It can appear that changes happen all of a sudden when we do not remain aware of our everyday thoughts and actions, but every big change is the outcome of many small changes and choices.
And it requires practice to know your self. Old patterns are often comfortable and reassuring because they feel familiar, but that does not mean they are good for you. It may feel familiar, for example, for you to schedule up your time so much that you can hardly sit down or even breathe, but that is not a healthy way to live. It's not healthy for you to have no time to relax, spend time with your children or spouse, be peaceful or have fun.
It's important to take time with yourself because through doing so you will be able to stop the old patterns before they creep back into your life.
Old patterns come from our childhood, our formative relationships, our family history--whatever that history was. But the patterns do not define who you are, nor do they make choices for you about how you are going to live your life right now.
If you are aware of who you are and what your priorities are right now then you can make choices based on those priorities. If you take the time necessary to listen to your self and know who you really are then when you fall back into old patterns they will stand out. You will see yourself becoming consumed with work or too busy to spend time with your children and you will realize that that's not who you are or who you want to be.
Learning about yourself and truly knowing yourself is a process. It's a process that we are all capable of and that keeps us on the path we need to follow to honour who we are as individuals.
I wish you all luck with your process.
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Joyce was avoiding her children
After writing my last blog about making sure our behaviour reflects our priorities, I received a letter from Joyce. Joyce went through the ten questions and then wrote out her priorities and realized a shocking discrepancy between what her priorities are and her actual behaviour.
When Joyce's children were three and five years old their father left. One day their father just never came home again. He was finally found, by the authorities, in the United States and Joyce had to come to terms with the reality that he'd deserted them all. She had been staying at home looking after the kids up to that point and suddenly found herself out in the job market once again with two kids to look after all on her own.
Joyce worked very hard and found a good job and has been able to provide for her children well. When she wrote her list of priorities her children were at the top, but when she worked out the amount of time she actually spends with them she was really dismayed.
Joyce makes enough money to pay the mortgage, own a car and pay for a nanny, but by taking this route she spends almost no time playing with and enjoying her children. She said that the time added up to less than three hours a week with her kids. Joyce had scheduled herself to the max with meetings, seminars, business dinners and so on to avoid dealing with her pain of being abandoned by her husband. She has realized, by doing this exercise, that she's been avoiding her children because they remind her of being abandoned and being a single mom. Her wish for a happy marriage and family walked out on her the day her husband disappeared.
Joyce has decided to change her behaviour. She knows that her children really are her priority and she does love them very, very much and she is going to show them that now.
It is so important to realize that old pain and hurt can turn into dysfunctional behaviour if it is ignored and pushed aside. Joyce didn't realize she was avoiding her children until she actually calculated the amount of time she spent with them. She said it was like a lightning bolt hitting her when she made this discovery. It also helped her understand why her kids are constantly trying to get her attention and why her nanny keeps encouraging her to slow down and play with the kids. Joyce always found the kids' demands and the nanny's encouragement annoying before, but now she realizes it was the universe's way of trying to wake her up.
Joyce realizes that she's missed a lot of great time with her kids, but it's not too late. Joyce says, from now on, she is only going to work from 9 to 5 and won't go to extra meetings that she doesn't need to attend. She will only go to the occasional business dinner when her presence is truly necessary. And she is going to spend quality time with her kids whenever she can.
Joyce's husband hurt her deeply and left her with two children to look after all on her own. Joyce was overwhelmed with the sudden change and the immense responsibility. She knows that those realities don't excuse her behaviour, but at least now she sees what she's been doing and why she's been doing it.
I hope Joyce forges strong, loving relationships with her children. And I am happy to know that my last blog influenced her in a positive way.
Peace and love to Joyce, and to you all.
Until next time,
Jacqueline
When Joyce's children were three and five years old their father left. One day their father just never came home again. He was finally found, by the authorities, in the United States and Joyce had to come to terms with the reality that he'd deserted them all. She had been staying at home looking after the kids up to that point and suddenly found herself out in the job market once again with two kids to look after all on her own.
Joyce worked very hard and found a good job and has been able to provide for her children well. When she wrote her list of priorities her children were at the top, but when she worked out the amount of time she actually spends with them she was really dismayed.
Joyce makes enough money to pay the mortgage, own a car and pay for a nanny, but by taking this route she spends almost no time playing with and enjoying her children. She said that the time added up to less than three hours a week with her kids. Joyce had scheduled herself to the max with meetings, seminars, business dinners and so on to avoid dealing with her pain of being abandoned by her husband. She has realized, by doing this exercise, that she's been avoiding her children because they remind her of being abandoned and being a single mom. Her wish for a happy marriage and family walked out on her the day her husband disappeared.
Joyce has decided to change her behaviour. She knows that her children really are her priority and she does love them very, very much and she is going to show them that now.
It is so important to realize that old pain and hurt can turn into dysfunctional behaviour if it is ignored and pushed aside. Joyce didn't realize she was avoiding her children until she actually calculated the amount of time she spent with them. She said it was like a lightning bolt hitting her when she made this discovery. It also helped her understand why her kids are constantly trying to get her attention and why her nanny keeps encouraging her to slow down and play with the kids. Joyce always found the kids' demands and the nanny's encouragement annoying before, but now she realizes it was the universe's way of trying to wake her up.
Joyce realizes that she's missed a lot of great time with her kids, but it's not too late. Joyce says, from now on, she is only going to work from 9 to 5 and won't go to extra meetings that she doesn't need to attend. She will only go to the occasional business dinner when her presence is truly necessary. And she is going to spend quality time with her kids whenever she can.
Joyce's husband hurt her deeply and left her with two children to look after all on her own. Joyce was overwhelmed with the sudden change and the immense responsibility. She knows that those realities don't excuse her behaviour, but at least now she sees what she's been doing and why she's been doing it.
I hope Joyce forges strong, loving relationships with her children. And I am happy to know that my last blog influenced her in a positive way.
Peace and love to Joyce, and to you all.
Until next time,
Jacqueline
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
How to Live Your Life According to Your Priorities
My journey has taught me to keep my priorities in line with my behaviour. This may sound obvious, but when I first did this exercise I found out some very interesting things about myself.
In my last blog entry I asked you to write down answers to 10 questions and keep your answers private. Bring those out and keep them beside you for now.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down your priorities in life. Your list may look something like this:
Whatever your uppermost priorities are write them down in a list like the one above.
Now, keeping in mind that every day is 24 hours long and there are 7 days in a week, calculate how much time you spend in a week on each priority in your list. That means that out of a total of 168 hours you spend maybe 56 hours sleeping, but how are you spending the rest of your time?
The important thing with this exercise is to be very honest with yourself. You may say that your husband is a priority in your life but you may only spend 5 hours a week with him in total. That's okay. This exercise is to help you see how you are actually spending your time and whether you are living according to your priorities.
Once you have calculated how you are actually spending your time take another look at your answers to the 10 questions. Spend some time reading through your answers, paying close attention to your responses to each question.
The ten questions are designed to help you know yourself better. It is very common that as we get caught up in the details of life that we forget what is really important to us and what isn't.
After rereading your answers to the ten questions do you need to revise your list of priorities? Or do you need to change the amount of time you are spending on things not on your priority list?
When I first did this exercise I had a very young son at home and my marriage was falling apart. I thought I had almost no time for my own hobbies or activities and I found that I was spending a huge amount of my time looking after my son, my husband, my dad, but spending no time on myself. This exercise helped me realize why I felt so exhausted all the time.
It also helped me realize that my list of priorities were okay, but the time I was spending outside of that list was not. I reorganized my time and spent more time on myself and came to terms with my marriage.
This exercise is so valuable because you not only see how you are spending your time, but you start to see other people's priorities as well. For example, even though my marriage wasn't good, I still considered it a high priority and I spent a lot of time on it. My husband, however, did not. He actively avoided spending time with me and I realized that for him our marriage was not a priority.
Behaviour is everything and anyone around you who is perceptive will see the discrepancies between what you say and what you do.
If someone spends the majority of their time working but claims that their wife and children mean everything to them, something doesn't ring true.
One of the important steps to finding yourself is aligning what you say with what you do.
Over the next week change the amount of time you spend on your priorities and the other details that fill up your life. This will take more than a week for most of you and may even involve some pretty big life changes, but finding yourself requires effort, time and a commitment to yourself.
Small consistent steps will bring you back to yourself.
I will be back next week to discuss old patterns and how they can creep back into your life.
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
In my last blog entry I asked you to write down answers to 10 questions and keep your answers private. Bring those out and keep them beside you for now.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down your priorities in life. Your list may look something like this:
- my children
- my husband
- work
- the house
- my friends
- biking
- gardening
Whatever your uppermost priorities are write them down in a list like the one above.
Now, keeping in mind that every day is 24 hours long and there are 7 days in a week, calculate how much time you spend in a week on each priority in your list. That means that out of a total of 168 hours you spend maybe 56 hours sleeping, but how are you spending the rest of your time?
The important thing with this exercise is to be very honest with yourself. You may say that your husband is a priority in your life but you may only spend 5 hours a week with him in total. That's okay. This exercise is to help you see how you are actually spending your time and whether you are living according to your priorities.
Once you have calculated how you are actually spending your time take another look at your answers to the 10 questions. Spend some time reading through your answers, paying close attention to your responses to each question.
The ten questions are designed to help you know yourself better. It is very common that as we get caught up in the details of life that we forget what is really important to us and what isn't.
After rereading your answers to the ten questions do you need to revise your list of priorities? Or do you need to change the amount of time you are spending on things not on your priority list?
When I first did this exercise I had a very young son at home and my marriage was falling apart. I thought I had almost no time for my own hobbies or activities and I found that I was spending a huge amount of my time looking after my son, my husband, my dad, but spending no time on myself. This exercise helped me realize why I felt so exhausted all the time.
It also helped me realize that my list of priorities were okay, but the time I was spending outside of that list was not. I reorganized my time and spent more time on myself and came to terms with my marriage.
This exercise is so valuable because you not only see how you are spending your time, but you start to see other people's priorities as well. For example, even though my marriage wasn't good, I still considered it a high priority and I spent a lot of time on it. My husband, however, did not. He actively avoided spending time with me and I realized that for him our marriage was not a priority.
Behaviour is everything and anyone around you who is perceptive will see the discrepancies between what you say and what you do.
If someone spends the majority of their time working but claims that their wife and children mean everything to them, something doesn't ring true.
One of the important steps to finding yourself is aligning what you say with what you do.
Over the next week change the amount of time you spend on your priorities and the other details that fill up your life. This will take more than a week for most of you and may even involve some pretty big life changes, but finding yourself requires effort, time and a commitment to yourself.
Small consistent steps will bring you back to yourself.
I will be back next week to discuss old patterns and how they can creep back into your life.
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
How to Find Yourself One Step at a Time
I have been on a journey for many years. That journey has been to find myself.
Somehow, through my twenties and early thirties, I lost touch with myself and who I wanted to be. I have realized through writing this blog and answering your letters that I was not alone. Many people become disconnected from themselves for their own very personal reasons.
Whatever your reasons are, you can find yourself again. Whether it was from abuse, the loss of a loved one, divorce, addiction, changing roles and responsibilities, or any other reason, finding yourself is within your grasp--it's within everyone's grasp.
I am beginning a series, starting today, of blogs that are designed to help you find yourself and help you become more aware of who your are and how to start your journey.
I would like you to keep in mind throughout this series that finding yourself involves small steps. It is a very manageable endeavour as long as you remember to take each moment at a time and not focus on what has been or what will be. If you remain in the Now, in the present moment, you will succeed one step at a time.
I will start with a simple exercise today that is an important first step.
Take the time to write down the answers to the following questions about yourself. Keep your answers private. In the next blog you will use your answers to help you decide what your priorities are in life.
Answer these questions as honestly as you can and keep them for next week. It is important for you to keep them private because these questions are about you and no one else. It is easier to be open and honest about your feeling when you are speaking only to yourself.
Have a wonderful week and see you all again soon.
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
Somehow, through my twenties and early thirties, I lost touch with myself and who I wanted to be. I have realized through writing this blog and answering your letters that I was not alone. Many people become disconnected from themselves for their own very personal reasons.
Whatever your reasons are, you can find yourself again. Whether it was from abuse, the loss of a loved one, divorce, addiction, changing roles and responsibilities, or any other reason, finding yourself is within your grasp--it's within everyone's grasp.
I am beginning a series, starting today, of blogs that are designed to help you find yourself and help you become more aware of who your are and how to start your journey.
I would like you to keep in mind throughout this series that finding yourself involves small steps. It is a very manageable endeavour as long as you remember to take each moment at a time and not focus on what has been or what will be. If you remain in the Now, in the present moment, you will succeed one step at a time.
I will start with a simple exercise today that is an important first step.
Take the time to write down the answers to the following questions about yourself. Keep your answers private. In the next blog you will use your answers to help you decide what your priorities are in life.
- What do you do in your spare time? List your hobbies, interests, exercise routine or whatever else you do in your free time.
- What is your favourite food? If you have more than one, list them all.
- What do you do for a living? This includes work you do for money and not for money.
- Do you like your work? If so, why? If not, why not?
- What is your favourite drink? List them all, if you have more than one.
- Are you married?
- Do you have any children?
- Make a list of your friends. Who is your closest friend? Why?
- Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend in your life? If yes, do you consider it a serious relationship?
- What do you do on a regular basis to relax and spend time with yourself?
Answer these questions as honestly as you can and keep them for next week. It is important for you to keep them private because these questions are about you and no one else. It is easier to be open and honest about your feeling when you are speaking only to yourself.
Have a wonderful week and see you all again soon.
Peace and love,
Jacqueline
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
To be aware you must know yourself
Doris wrote to me about her need to be busy all the time. She has a full-time job and looks after her house, exercises regularly, walks her dog every day and that already keeps her life pretty busy.
But Doris also irons her clothes at least twice, keeps reorganizing her closets over and over again, repaints rooms that are freshly painted and shops at several grocery stores every week. Doris is starting to wonder why she feels as if she should be doing something constantly.
She said it's been more than a year since she remembers sitting down and just relaxing.
I know that our society encourages people to be doing something all the time. It is implied that being busy means being important. That simply isn't true, however.
People who need to be busy and cannot relax are disconnected from themselves.
Why would Doris spend time doing everything but staying in touch with herself?
There are many reasons why people stay out of touch with themselves. It could be the fear of really knowing themselves, the fear of maybe not liking what they see or avoiding the fact that they aren't making the right choices in their lives. Every person has their own reasons for losing touch with themselves.
It takes time to get to know another person and build a friendship and relationship with that person. The same thing applies to yourself. If you don't take the time to be still and listen to what your inner-self is telling you then how can you be friends with yourself, have a relationship with yourself or love yourself?
I think that a lot of people would go to the effort for another person without realizing that they should be doing the same thing with themselves.
Doris needs to plan into her day short moments of stillness. At first it could be only five minutes to sip on a cup of tea without any distractions. Small moments at first will get her in the habit of thinking about herself without putting too much pressure on herself.
Once she gets in the habit of thinking about herself regularly she can lengthen the moments until she is able to spend an afternoon at the beach or lie out in the sun in her backyard.
As she becomes more and more still she will realize why she was avoiding stillness in the first place. She does not need to judge herself about why she lost touch, she only needs to honour herself for making the effort to find herself again.
Meditating is a great way to honour yourself while staying in touch with yourself. Meditating can lengthen your life as well. And using techniques such as Creative Visualization not only helps you know yourself, but also helps you attain what you want from your life in very positive, life-affirming ways.
I hope Doris takes the time and makes the effort to find herself again. Living a full, aware life takes a lot of energy, time and work, but it is one of the most satisfying ways to honour yourself and everyone around you.
But Doris also irons her clothes at least twice, keeps reorganizing her closets over and over again, repaints rooms that are freshly painted and shops at several grocery stores every week. Doris is starting to wonder why she feels as if she should be doing something constantly.
She said it's been more than a year since she remembers sitting down and just relaxing.
I know that our society encourages people to be doing something all the time. It is implied that being busy means being important. That simply isn't true, however.
People who need to be busy and cannot relax are disconnected from themselves.
Why would Doris spend time doing everything but staying in touch with herself?
There are many reasons why people stay out of touch with themselves. It could be the fear of really knowing themselves, the fear of maybe not liking what they see or avoiding the fact that they aren't making the right choices in their lives. Every person has their own reasons for losing touch with themselves.
It takes time to get to know another person and build a friendship and relationship with that person. The same thing applies to yourself. If you don't take the time to be still and listen to what your inner-self is telling you then how can you be friends with yourself, have a relationship with yourself or love yourself?
I think that a lot of people would go to the effort for another person without realizing that they should be doing the same thing with themselves.
Doris needs to plan into her day short moments of stillness. At first it could be only five minutes to sip on a cup of tea without any distractions. Small moments at first will get her in the habit of thinking about herself without putting too much pressure on herself.
Once she gets in the habit of thinking about herself regularly she can lengthen the moments until she is able to spend an afternoon at the beach or lie out in the sun in her backyard.
As she becomes more and more still she will realize why she was avoiding stillness in the first place. She does not need to judge herself about why she lost touch, she only needs to honour herself for making the effort to find herself again.
Meditating is a great way to honour yourself while staying in touch with yourself. Meditating can lengthen your life as well. And using techniques such as Creative Visualization not only helps you know yourself, but also helps you attain what you want from your life in very positive, life-affirming ways.
I hope Doris takes the time and makes the effort to find herself again. Living a full, aware life takes a lot of energy, time and work, but it is one of the most satisfying ways to honour yourself and everyone around you.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Father knows best, Mother knows best--or do they?
Jean wrote to me about her most recent visit to her parents' house in western Canada. She has been going for years taking her children on a long, expensive plane ride to visit her family. In previous years they had fun and stayed with her parents for extended visits.
Jean told me that on her visit this summer, however, they left early. She rescheduled her plane tickets and everything to return home with her children earlier than planned. She says her parents think that she's either lost her mind or has a brain tumour.
Why would they think that?
Jean has been in counselling for some time now and is starting to realize how some patterns from her childhood are affecting her personal relationships now. She doesn't accept being treated the same way as she did and she is finding that a lot of her relationships are evolving and changing.
It is interesting that, even when we are adults with children of our own, our parents still think that they know what's best for us. Well, at least some of our parents do. I realize that some parents are absent either emotionally or physically or both. That is a different issue altogether.
Jean is finding that her parents can't accept some of the decisions she's made about her own life. They are being very resistant to her changing and having ideas of her own. This is trickling down into their relationship with her children as well.
Her parents say things like, "I don't know what your mother is thinking carrying on the way she is," or things like, "I know your mother said not to try water-skiing until you're older, but she's being overprotective so you can do it when you're with me."
Jean's parents are undermining her authority with her own children, which they have no right to do. When Jean tells her parents that they are over-stepping their boundaries or gets angry because she finds out they took her five-year-old daughter water-skiing, they tell Jean that she's lost her mind.
Why do they think Jean's lost her mind?
Is it because she doesn't agree with them anymore?
What is more likely is that now she tells them that she doesn't agree with them. Jean likely didn't say anything before and now she does. She has moved out of her parent-child role and moved into an equal parent-parent role. So when they spend time with Jean now she sees them on an equal footing.
This would throw a lot of parents off track and they certainly wouldn't accept it easily. A lot of parents feel that they have a higher status because they can tell their children what to do and when to do it and how to do it. That so-called higher status is false, however.
Adults must make responsible choices for their children, yes, that's true. Children cannot look after themselves alone, but if parents believe that they have control over their children they are deluding themselves. Why? Because control is an illusion.
Jean's parents simply can't give up the idea of control and the misperception that they know what's best because, well, because they just know. Hmm...yes, parents just know. It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, but a lot of parents would argue that it's true.
It reminds me of that old show Leave it to Beaver where Ward, the father, would say, "Do it because I'm your father and I told you to."
Not the real world!
Children don't do things because you said so, at least not consistently. Children do what you do, in other words, they learn from your example. And if your children, adult or not, don't like what you're doing they have a right to say so. This isn't an issue of respect, it's about personal freedom. Some parents simply can't admit that their children have as many rights as they do and have their own lives, their own minds and their own choices to make--even once they've become adults.
Jean told me that on her visit this summer, however, they left early. She rescheduled her plane tickets and everything to return home with her children earlier than planned. She says her parents think that she's either lost her mind or has a brain tumour.
Why would they think that?
Jean has been in counselling for some time now and is starting to realize how some patterns from her childhood are affecting her personal relationships now. She doesn't accept being treated the same way as she did and she is finding that a lot of her relationships are evolving and changing.
It is interesting that, even when we are adults with children of our own, our parents still think that they know what's best for us. Well, at least some of our parents do. I realize that some parents are absent either emotionally or physically or both. That is a different issue altogether.
Jean is finding that her parents can't accept some of the decisions she's made about her own life. They are being very resistant to her changing and having ideas of her own. This is trickling down into their relationship with her children as well.
Her parents say things like, "I don't know what your mother is thinking carrying on the way she is," or things like, "I know your mother said not to try water-skiing until you're older, but she's being overprotective so you can do it when you're with me."
Jean's parents are undermining her authority with her own children, which they have no right to do. When Jean tells her parents that they are over-stepping their boundaries or gets angry because she finds out they took her five-year-old daughter water-skiing, they tell Jean that she's lost her mind.
Why do they think Jean's lost her mind?
Is it because she doesn't agree with them anymore?
What is more likely is that now she tells them that she doesn't agree with them. Jean likely didn't say anything before and now she does. She has moved out of her parent-child role and moved into an equal parent-parent role. So when they spend time with Jean now she sees them on an equal footing.
This would throw a lot of parents off track and they certainly wouldn't accept it easily. A lot of parents feel that they have a higher status because they can tell their children what to do and when to do it and how to do it. That so-called higher status is false, however.
Adults must make responsible choices for their children, yes, that's true. Children cannot look after themselves alone, but if parents believe that they have control over their children they are deluding themselves. Why? Because control is an illusion.
Jean's parents simply can't give up the idea of control and the misperception that they know what's best because, well, because they just know. Hmm...yes, parents just know. It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, but a lot of parents would argue that it's true.
It reminds me of that old show Leave it to Beaver where Ward, the father, would say, "Do it because I'm your father and I told you to."
Not the real world!
Children don't do things because you said so, at least not consistently. Children do what you do, in other words, they learn from your example. And if your children, adult or not, don't like what you're doing they have a right to say so. This isn't an issue of respect, it's about personal freedom. Some parents simply can't admit that their children have as many rights as they do and have their own lives, their own minds and their own choices to make--even once they've become adults.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Nancy talks too much
Jane wrote to me about her co-worker Nancy who talks too much. Jane and Nancy share a cubicle in an open-concept office and Nancy talks almost constantly throughout the day. Jane is having a lot of trouble getting her work done because Nancy is very demanding about the way she tries to get Jane's attention. Also Nancy never wants to listen to Jane talk about any of her own things. Consequently, Jane knows all about Nancy's life, but Nancy doesn't know anything about Jane.
At lunchtime Nancy tags a long with Jane without even asking so Jane never has any time to herself. Jane knows that she has to do something about this situation because her work is suffering and so is her peace of mind. Jane's work is very demanding and she needs quiet lunchtimes to give her brain a rest.
I know a man, who I run into now and then, who is very much like Nancy. He goes on and on about his things, but doesn't know anything about me and he really doesn't want to. When I run into him I tell him that I don't want to talk about work, for example, but he doesn't listen and goes on and on about work anyway. When I remind him that I asked him to stop talking about work he gets angry. The last time this happened I said 'You can get angry if you want but I told you when I came in that I didn't want to talk about work. If you choose not to listen that's your choice, but I don't want to talk anymore.'
I think that Jane needs to be more proactive about her emotional space and her time. Jane can request to have her desk moved so that she isn't constantly being bombarded by Nancy's chatter. Jane can also tell Nancy that she is trying to work and her constant chatter is too disruptive. Nancy may not listen, but it is important for Jane to express her feelings.
Jane can also tell Nancy that she needs to have her lunch hours to herself, that she needs the time to wind down and that she doesn't mind having lunch with Nancy now and then but not every day.
It is important to confront people like this because their behaviour is socially unacceptable. They are unconscious of their constant talk about themselves and the way that they monopolize every conversation.
It is almost impossible to be friends with a person like this. How can you have a conversation that is open and honest with a person that isn't interested in anyone but themselves? Quite simply--you can't.
Nancy may be insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-absorbed or lonely--or maybe all of these qualities put together. Whatever her reasons are for monopolizing conversations, Jane should let Nancy know that her behaviour is unacceptable. It is important not to 'go along' with this kind of personality because sacrificing your work quality and peace of mind for this type of person will get you nowhere.
One of the reasons why people like Nancy don't have any friends is because they make no effort to know anyone. They are not interested in other people's lives and they are unconcerned that they monopolize other people's time because they are only concerned with what they want. There is no point sacrificing any of your time for a person like Nancy.
At lunchtime Nancy tags a long with Jane without even asking so Jane never has any time to herself. Jane knows that she has to do something about this situation because her work is suffering and so is her peace of mind. Jane's work is very demanding and she needs quiet lunchtimes to give her brain a rest.
I know a man, who I run into now and then, who is very much like Nancy. He goes on and on about his things, but doesn't know anything about me and he really doesn't want to. When I run into him I tell him that I don't want to talk about work, for example, but he doesn't listen and goes on and on about work anyway. When I remind him that I asked him to stop talking about work he gets angry. The last time this happened I said 'You can get angry if you want but I told you when I came in that I didn't want to talk about work. If you choose not to listen that's your choice, but I don't want to talk anymore.'
I think that Jane needs to be more proactive about her emotional space and her time. Jane can request to have her desk moved so that she isn't constantly being bombarded by Nancy's chatter. Jane can also tell Nancy that she is trying to work and her constant chatter is too disruptive. Nancy may not listen, but it is important for Jane to express her feelings.
Jane can also tell Nancy that she needs to have her lunch hours to herself, that she needs the time to wind down and that she doesn't mind having lunch with Nancy now and then but not every day.
It is important to confront people like this because their behaviour is socially unacceptable. They are unconscious of their constant talk about themselves and the way that they monopolize every conversation.
It is almost impossible to be friends with a person like this. How can you have a conversation that is open and honest with a person that isn't interested in anyone but themselves? Quite simply--you can't.
Nancy may be insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-absorbed or lonely--or maybe all of these qualities put together. Whatever her reasons are for monopolizing conversations, Jane should let Nancy know that her behaviour is unacceptable. It is important not to 'go along' with this kind of personality because sacrificing your work quality and peace of mind for this type of person will get you nowhere.
One of the reasons why people like Nancy don't have any friends is because they make no effort to know anyone. They are not interested in other people's lives and they are unconcerned that they monopolize other people's time because they are only concerned with what they want. There is no point sacrificing any of your time for a person like Nancy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)